My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

Your life sounds exhausting and keeping on the way you're going is not going to help anything. If you truly have behavioral issues with your children, look into professional help, therapy or whatever is available. Then start tackling what needs to change one thing at a time. It may seem overwhelming but look at it this way, a year from now things could have completely turned around for you or you could be wishing that you put the effort into making changes. You can really do it if you put your mind to it. As it is, you are putting a ton of effort into maintaining the status quo, so put that effort into creating the life you want. Doesn't sound like you can rely too much on your partner, which sucks, but you can do it solo. Just look at what you do now, you're all ready practically a superhero in my eyes....3 under 5yo....

Bless you you sound like you’re at the end of your tether and I absolutely do not blame you.

You’re exhausted, have no support and children of that age are relentless, hard work and it’s very lonely too.

Staying at home through necessity rather than choice must leave you feeling resentful.

You need more support from your husband. I know he works long hours, but your role as stay at home parent is literally 24 hours a day and you have no downtime.

Are you able to have a day to yourself every once in a while while he takes over?

I have no real advice other than to hang in there and it will get better. Once they’re at school/nursery it will be so much easier.

Do you qualify for any free hours of childcare?

Sorry I don’t have much more constructive advice to offer.

I also have three under five but i have always returned to work in some way, mostly to get a break and be an adult and not a mother!

I love my dc but without that break i would have lost the plot, and sometime after a rough day i will still text my dh to say i need go out for a walk as soon as you get in, and I do!

You need a break, and childcare is also your dh responsibility even though he works, so take sometime for yourself.

Also you should be having a lie in each on the weekends, that really makes a difference to me, knowing that on Saturday i will wake up naturally instead of being woke up by a small person!

Dont dispair op, you can figure this out with the help of your husband

If you are being serious and not flippant or dramatic about wishing you could die in an accident, you need help. You need help either way and you also need to give your husband a very big and prompt reality check.

I had three under five and was ill with a dh out of the house 12 hours a day so I get the long hours but there's no need to live everything at a rushed pace.

You know the time you have between 7.30 pm and when your husband gets in. Take it for you. Have a bath, glass of wine. When he starts moaning about the mess, tell him that that is how it was when the kids went to Bed. He can help you tidy up and make dinner.

I agree with others about doing some work even if it is only 10 hours a week. It will give you adult time. It will allow you to be away from your children. It will help your self-esteem. And put your children in pre-school / free nursery as soon as you can, even if just for 3 hours a day.

Your dh needs to help. He needs to realise whilst he’s at work you’re working just as hard too, so the weekend should be both of you sharing the kids and chores together.

Are you entitled to free nursery places for any of them? Many nurseries offer free hours from 2 years on if you’ve not known about that?

Alternatively can you join a gym with a crèche to give you some peace?

3 under 5 is bloody hard work.

No you husband has sucked the life out of you. Sharing care both doing part time hours sharing the weekends it’s all on you and that’s not fair

I have DS who is three and half, he goes to the government school nursery five afternoons a week. It’s been great for him, but I’ve still got DD 29 months and DS 9 months which was an accident. I wanted two kids, I only had the second as I felt I had to give my eldest a sibling. Now I ended up with three, I would definitely use double contraception from now, condoms and the pill! If I ever had the desire to have sex again though which I can’t imagibe I will.

The last time I went GP I was given anti depressants, citalopram which gave me horrific nightmares. I stopped taking them, cancelled my four week follow up appointment and that was that.

I will speak to my DH for some time to myself on the weekends. He says he can’t handle all three alone, but he will need to as I don’t get a choice.

I’m sad as I thought having my DH and children would be amazing. I was lonely as a child and I felt having my own family would complete me. It didn’t, my eldest DS has been a nightmare from the day he was born to now. My DD was a calmer baby but turned into a demon soon as she turned eighteen months. My baby is the whiniest of them all, he wants to be on me all the time. I have to crawl sometimes to leave the room so he doesn’t see me if he’s in his high chair.

I’m sad the grass wasn’t greener for me, it breaks me that I preferred my old life to being a mother and sometimes a wife. Today my DD said to me mummy sad, and it made me cry even more.

I have three too, I went back to work to get some breaks, hot teas and coffee, adult interaction, use my brain. I couldn't afford childcare until they are in school, then I pay 2-3 hours of childcare everyday. Childcare tax free top up 25% too!

Hang in there, it doesn't last forever.

4 kids six and under here. Sahm but also help out with the family business. DH is currently working 7 days a week 12 hours a day as we are understaffed due to school holidays.

I understand you. House gets messy. No one's ever happy. They eat you out of house and home and no one to listen to you.

No family or friends who can help.

But it's not forever. My second is starting school this September. Which will help. When will your eldest start school?

Was it by any chance your dh who was keen for babies no. 2 and 3 so close together? I ask because it sounds a bit as if he has - putting it politely - rather retrograde notions of the life of a husband and father and of what can be expected of you. He wants you 'bubbly and attentive'? Are those his words? What happens when he 'kicks off'?

You're properly in the trenches atm. It does get better, but it sounds rather as if you've been manoeuvred into a position you didn't want and I think this will end up being the bigger issue.

You absolutely do need help, because you don't deserve to feel like you do atm.

X post - answers my question.

He 'can't handle all three alone'? WTAF?

You do what he 'can't handle' thirteen hours a day and he believes you are unreasonable for not simpering adoringly at him when he comes home and lapping up his work tales with a soppy grin on your face?

Have you ever actually put it to him in those terms? Good Lord, he should be embarrassed at himself.

Your husband needs to spend time with his kids and bloody learn to look after all of them. Also, you should sit down for an hour at 7:30 just for you. Stuff the housework.

Up until ds was 3 I felt like I was in hell tbh.I didn't feel myself at all I just pretended I was fine and that was with one child so you have my totally sympathy for dealing with 3.I really hope you can get some respite somehow x

If you could guarantee that DH would have the DC 50/50, or even something close to that, I'd honestly divorce. My ExDH was a like yours (with some added dickheadishness) and honestly, splitting up was fantastic. I get time off. I'm a whole functioning interesting human with proper clothes and hobbies and a job, an I'm a good parent because I'm not having to choke down every apple I eat and actually look forward to parenting them. It's not a popular opinion, but it saved my life.

He can't handle all three of them? He can fuck right off! If you want to be nice you can say "of course you can! You're a good dad!" If you don't you can tell him to man up and that you manage 7 days a week

I have felt the despair of wishing you just weren't here. Of thinking I'm a terrible mum and shouldn't have had children. I have found acceptance that I'll never be an amazing goddess type mum but other people seem to think I'm doing ok. I HAVE to work for my own sanity. You only have 7 months til your middle gets funded hours. You can make it that far I know it. But you need to stop doing everything, no woman can do that. Your husband needs to accept he is part of the family too.

This poem always reminds me of what it's like to be in the trenches of parenting.

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if you have some residual PND from having your third. As well as that, three under five with a husband working long shifts is utterly brutal.

Your husband needs to be more understanding. When you are feeling reasonably calm, sit him down and explain how burnt out and exhausted you are,and how your way of recharging is silence and space, whereas his is chatting. Work out a schedule - you'll chat over a cuppa for X amount of time, on the understanding that he leaves you alone and takes on children duty for X amount of time.

Try and get out as much as you can, try to meet and chat with other mothers at playgroup. I know it's hard, and these groups are a mixed blessing, but even just half an hour a few times a week, for coffee and a chat with one friendly face, can make all the difference to your mood. When I had my first baby, my grandmother told me "it doesn't matter what else you do, take them out for fresh air and exercise every day, and have a proper, regular bedtime" I've stuck to that like glue, even when all else was chaos, and in hindsight it was the wisest and best advice I could have been given.

Put aside some time and money for yourself too, even if it isn't much. Claw back what you can.

I promise you OP, it does get better, and it will get better more quickly than you expect, actually. But it's a hard old bloody slog at the moment. Massive hugs.

I so feel for you op. I only have two and have felt like that.
I would imagine that it will start to get easier in the near future but if you are able to get help in the meantime, please do. I think you'll feel better when you can get back to work but I appreciate how expensive childcare is.
Please get back to your gp and try some different meds.
And your husband n2eds to step up massively. It is so much easierbeing at work than with 3 under 5s all day every day. Show him this thread if you need to!
And never get pregnant again! I also had one more than intended (but love it now but it did take a while to get there.
Big hug, it does sound tough, yanbu.

Oh you poor thing. This sounds so very, very tough. I can relate, although my life certainly sounds easier then yours (supportive DH for starters).

I have a 3y.o. and a baby. DC1 never stops talking. Literally NEVER. Constant chatter. And DC2 cries all the time. I feel like my head is going to explode and I'm incredibly irritable all the time. I don't think I am a very good mother.
I've also found myself hoping I will die too, or get sick and have to stay in hospital for a long time.
DC2 also doesn't sleep. Two hours is a good sleep. Often wakes hourly or more. I'm exhausted. We co-sleep but it makes fuck all difference and I get kicked all night even when baby is asleep.

I'm not sure what my point was when I started writing this reply, but you are not alone.

Your DH needs to step up. Having a job doesn't mean you opt out of parenting when you come home. You are a parent 24/7 whether you work outside the home some of the time or not. He needs a reality check.

@Cindy55 go back to drs and ask for escitalopram it's similar to what you were given but no bad dreams or insomnia

You are in the trenches right now. It's intense and full on. When your DCs can do more for themselves it will get easier (harder in some ways, but most people find it easier on balance when the youngest turns 3).

In the meantime you need time to yourself. An afternoon out with a friend, spa day, whatever floats your boat. Your DH will learn how demanding they are when you leave them alone for a bit.

@CatteStreet OP has said that the third child was an accident.

Bloody thing won't post. It's "In the Park" by Gwen Harwood