My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

The early years are relentless, absolutely relentless. When your middle one starts nursery, things will lighten. When you have two in nursery and one in school, you'll start to enjoy them, I think. Those were our best years, honestly. They were so funny and sweet and I had the energy and headspace to enjoy them. Before that, it's an endurance test.

The weird thing is how slowly time passes when the kids are tiny, and how fast it flies as soon as they're in school. It feels forever right now, but before you know it you'll be looking at time to yourself again.

Meanwhile, it's not you. It really, really is not you. No other role demands this from you with no break whatsoever possible. Just hang on in there. This too shall pass.

Yanbu...being a mum is totally shite at times.yyy we all love pur kuds byt let's fgs all be honest...they suck the fucking life out of us

It is also worth looking into nursery places - if you have three underfives, at least one of them should be old enough for some free nursery hours each week, if not the older two, which will give you a bit more breathing space. But, again, the essential thing is to make it clear to your H that he either starts doing his share or you will throw him out. (TBH if he won't step up, throw him out, because it will genuinely be easier, even with three small DC, if you are not also expected to indulge and service a selfish, lazy man.)

OP, can you google Home Start? It's an organisation for anyone with an under five child in the house. In my case I got a lady come to my house for two hours per week, and gave me a break by looking after the kids for me. Free of charge. Worth a look for you?

You are doing the hard yards

It does get easier, I promise. Minecarevin their 20s now.

I once went ballistic. DC were about 2.5 and 6. DH was working 60/70 hour weekssnd had developed a habit of "I'm going to foitball, playing golf tom with no consultation".
One Friday night before he opened his mouth I said "tomorrow I have plans l. Going out at 8.30 to take in a few galleries and have a day to myself."
Left instructions on the fridge. Lunch - what to give. Parties, time, where, who needed to be picked up, cards and wrapped presents left on kitcgen table.
Did the Tate, National Portrait Gallery, Harvey Nicks, Horrids. Had to eke it out until 7.30 which was nearly bedtime. Got the 22 up the Kings Road and the tube back from Putney to S Ken and the 30 back. It was misersble and really hard. Got in circa 7.45. V tired DH, DC in bed (just ish).
DH poured wine, put frozen pizza in oven. We didn't really discus it. The entitlement never reallyhappened on the same scale again.. He was absolutely exhausted .
DC are 24 and 21 now. They remember that weekend.

You can't go on like this, OP - you will break. Something has to change.

Your useless, lazy, selfish husband needs to step up and start doing a fair share of the childcare. I would go away next weekend. Book yourself into an hotel and just rest.

I'd show him this thread. Make him read what you have written. Get him to understand that you're hitting the buffers. (And if he refuses to step up, to be honest, I'd leave him.)

You are not a bad mum! You are exhausted.

I'm in North West, if you're close we could try and arrange some kind of meet up for Mums in the area. Let the kids play and the Mums talk! My inbox is always open to chat x

No advice, just solidarity xx
Stay strong!

OP, you are not a bad mum. But you do sound like you need some help.
Your husband works full time, you also work full time looking after the children.

Therefore, you should be taking turns to tidy/clean/do housework in the evenings. It is too much for have solely as your responsibility. It’s not fair and it’s not sustainable. Something has to give, and your partner needs to step up and do more, and expect less from you.

Good luck. It will get better.

Yes, Home Start is an amazing charity. They give mums in your situation some respite time. Really do think you could benefit a lot from that if they're in your area.

Oh and all these people recommending Sure Start and state interventions. Really, does that actually exist? Whdn ds was a baby snd I had infective mastitis my hv didn't give a flying fuck. When dd had mh issues at 16 the state response when she was cutting and taking od's - "yeh, use the internet, wd won't or csn't help because we can't be bovvered and are lazybastards

SABPm

@ohtheroses I'm sorry to hear you've been let down by your local services. That isn't the case in every area, or for everyone. When I had severe PND and psychosis the mental health team, my HV, my GP, Home-Start and social services worked together to help me and they saved my life. I wish everyone could have the experience I did because the support was invaluable. I do think it's worth OP asking because sometimes it is there and it can make all the difference.

Not sure if this is available in your area, but do you have a sports centre/YMCA with a creche? If you could exercise for an hour a couple of times a week while your younger two are being looked after, it would be a break. I used to take a Pilates class at my local sports centre and it was wonderful being able to focus on myself for an hour.

As PP's have said, it WILL get better, but in the meantime, your DH must help out at the weekends so you get some space - even if it's just time to do chores undisturbed. I sometimes hide in the basement and do laundry to get away from mine!

I hear you, it's utter shit xx

OP, you are clearly worn out and in desperate need of a break. It will definitely get easier as your kids get older but in the meantime, your husband needs to be much more supportive - you are the one who needs to relax at weekends. Agree with other posters re Home Start too. I used to call the under 5 stage 'the tunnel' because it's so tough but there is light at the end and it does improve.

Your husband is a disgrace!

I had 3 under 3, and so did a friend of mine at the same time. Honestly, I think the going through it together is the only thing that kept us sane. I can only imagine how hard going his is for you OP. The main thing was to wear the kids out. Staying in feels good to a degree, when you’re exhausted and stressed, but it compounds everything over time. We would take our kids out as much as humanly possible, get up get ready and get out. Sandwiches in a bag, park or playgroup, back home by dinner, clean up and swift bedtime because they’d be worn out.

My DH used to work extremely long hours, too. We agreed that he would get the Saturday lie in, then family time in afternoon, and I got the Sunday lie in. On Sunday I’d either shut myself in the bedroom and do nothing, maybe watch tv with headphones on. Or go out for a walk and get some coffee and read a book.

My DH has to have it spelled out for him like an idiot. Literally me screaming I WILL GO FUCKING INSANE IF YOU DON’T START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT!!! A few times. Again the ridiculous argument of not being able to cope with all of them - but it’s ok for me to cope with them 24/7, right? It was too pathetic an argument to stand. Once he got used to managing them, I stretched to a weekday morning of him getting up with them, and an evening where he’d come home for bedtime and sort them. I remember telling him once that if he didn’t help then I’d divorce him, and he’d always be alone when he had them, so shape up or ship out.

You need to give your DH the bottom line, actually go and leave him for a bit instead of getting sucked into doing everything, and wear the kids out for your own sake.

This would finish off most people.

You need help. Not because you're a bad mum, but because this is enough to destroy even the most upbeat of people. It's TOO MUCH for one person.

DH needs to step up, you need to tell him, but more so, he needs to experience 3 kids solidly all weekend while you HAVE A BREAK.

Then I'd think about nursery or childcare of some description. You need to for your mental health

Sorry I should add that they’re all bigger now, and life is 1000X easier. They can do activities and play together because they’re so close in age.

The early years are TOUGH (by that I mean up to about 6) you have three!! You must be super mum.

You need to start to go to bed a bit earlier. See, by nine o'clock if you feel knackered - GO TO BED. Try to get some sleep. I promise it will be easier if you get some more sleep.

Also, I agree with pp. Your husband needs to realise that he needs to lend a hand at the weekend. There is no relaxing at the weekends, you need to be spending time together. He needs to learn how to cope with his 3 dc. I love the idea of a Saturday job. I cannot abide the competitive tiredness shit.

I was on citalopram, it did not suit me at all. I then tried another couple loads and eventually ended up on fluxoutine. Maybe consider going back to your go to try something else. They will help you, you need to factor in some you time. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Sorry. Did not mean for this reply to be so long

So glad you got help @peachgreen. I didn't expect anything from ss and nhs btw and they proved themselves in spades.

They refused to admit they couldn't be bovvered because we were married. Solvent, middle class, organised, had planned dc, etc, because that might have blown their rationale that no parent plans or gives a fuck about their dc.

I was you OP. And I posted on here saying the same thing. It gets better. Much much much better. My kids are 10 and 11 now and they bring me more joy than i could ever have imagined. Xxx

"I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids."

Cindy this has worried me, please seek help. I had these thoughts (also had 3 under 5, they're all under 7 now), I ended up trying to take my life twice having never thought I would. You don't need to be in a crisis to seek help, get it now.

Yes @OhTheRoses they do help, you were let down. I was sectioned for my protection.

I also felt like you when my dc were similar ages. My 'd'h was equally rubbish, in fact more so as he didn't always work or help.

It got easier when they went to nursery.

You definitely need assistance with dealing with their behaviour as you have to nip it in the bud.

You're doing amazingly well

I feel very angry that your husband has seen you go to the GP and be put in antidepressants, to try and help you cope with a situation that would make anyone worn out and miserable, and yet he still “can’t cope with all three”.
Medicating someone who would be fine with more support, care and some time off... it is so grim that women end up like this. Humans are not designed to live like this , caring all day every day for multiple small children with no help and no-one to talk to. We are designed to live in family groups, where other people and siblings help with small children. Isolation makes most people extremely unhappy, can your DH not see how miserable you are ? Does he not care ?
He needs a massive kick up the arse OP.