My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

I think this is one of those where "Show your DH this thread" may be the way to go.

for you OP. Sounds incredibly tough. I wouldn't be surprised if you are depressed.

I remember these days so well
I was a single mum to 3 under 3
It was the whinging moaning breaking stuff fighting and not even being able to piss by myself
My fam where as much use as a chocolate teapot
I found just going out everyday helped-even if it was a walk to the shop
If they are washed & fed that’s a good day
Get in touch with home start-they where a lifesaver for me
And tell your bloody husband to man up-he’s happy to have you doing it all-he can’t cope with 3?tough-he needs to step up to the mark

Your post has made me cry. I often feel like this with my 3 teenage boys. Different problems but same feelings. It's overwhelming isn't it. I don't know what to say but just wanted to tell you I hear you. X

You are doing an amazing , amazing job , and your a fantastic mother

You deserve time to yourself to remember yourself and how amazing you are

Do whatever you need to do and don't feel guilty about it. Weather its putting kids in nursury, getting dh to have the kids on the weekends while you go away somewhere, or starting work again .. Anything. Even little to y things to help with your sanity.

Try & go back to the GPabout some different antidepressants.
Not every brand agrees with you straight away. They can really help take the edge off what you are feeling. They’re not a substitute for practical help, but they saved my sanity when I had a young dc and a very unhelpful husband.

You sound much like I felt when I was home with only two. In the end I went back to work - not for the money but because I needed to be me (and as you say, have something to dress nicely for and feel 'professional' for). Perhaps it's worth considering a part time job, even if if it makes no money. It would also add to your employment record. Don't be afraid of putting the kids in nursery too - it is good for them and you NEED time for yourself.
Hang in there - it does get easier.

Just read that he can't cope with three

Fuck that. Either three kids is a piece of piss, in which case he won't mind being in charge while you rest, or else three kids is so fucking hard that he should be taking the kids as soon as he gets home so you can rest

He says he can’t handle all three alone

Well that's just tough shit.

Get up on a Saturday, and go out. Just sit in a coffee shop and drink coffee and read the paper. Have a stroll somewhere. Get on a bus and just go wherever it's going then come back.

You need a rest and he needs to get a grip of his responsibilities.

And stop tidying up at 7.30pm. Have 90 minutes of doing nothing then. If your DH complains, tell him he's free to do it because you work just as long hours as he does if not more.

You have a dp problem.

*You do what he 'can't handle' thirteen hours a day and he believes you are unreasonable for not simpering adoringly at him when he comes home and lapping up his work tales with a soppy grin on your face?

Have you ever actually put it to him in those terms? Good Lord, he should be embarrassed at himself.*

This. What a selfish twat.

Mine are older now but I've been there. It's a dark, lonely, shitty place.

You will get through this and your kids absolutely need you here. Get as much help as you can, throw yourself into baby groups etc just to have more adult company etc.

Please hang on in there x x x

I have 5 dc. It’s hard and that’s WITH a fully supportive dh who literally takes over the minute he gets in and does half the night stuff helps get them ready etc before going to work

It HAS to be a partnership and your dh needs to step up. You need time to yourself and to recover as you are drained in every sense xx

I had 4 under 5. Firstly you’re not alone AT ALL. Secondly your DH is a selfish, ignorant prick. Thirdly all you need to do is hang in there I promise promise promise you much better and easier times are coming. Fourthly, you bloody better make sure you have the cool AND your DH is booked in for the snip because there is unfortunately worse than you currently have it, and that would be being pregnant while living like you are now.

Hang in there OP, the pleasure of them is around the corner, you just have to get there.

Cool = coil

I was in a similar situation to you op. I got a job in a pub one evening and one Saturday a week for the adult conversation, dh having no option but to parent his kids. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I miss those baby days now mine would rather die than be seen in public with me

I was just coming on to post the same poem, @MadameAlbert

Sympathies, OP: we had 3 under 6 and it's fucking hard. You have got to find a way to hold on to a piece of yourself - for your DC's sake, as well as your own.

Fuck that. Either three kids is a piece of piss, in which case he won't mind being in charge while you rest, or else three kids is so fucking hard that he should be taking the kids as soon as he gets home so you can rest. This. Should be tattooed on a new father's bollocks while the mother is in labour

Jez I can't blame you getting stressed out, you must be made of strong stuff to have not snapped earlier.
It will get easier as they get older, life will change again, hang in there.
I've a 6 year gap with mine they still at like preschoolers squabbling. I can't wait for the school to reopen after 9 long weeks, I can't imagine I'd manage 3 under 5.
Your DP needs to more at the weekend, you can't keep this up.
A little tip is to try get out of the house early, get them as tired as possible while the weather is okay.

My tactic would be to get them all out in the morning...park, a walk, anything. Try to wear them out.

Once home, do whatever you have to to make your life easier...if that means sticking them in front of cbeebies with a packet of crisps, then so be it.

You do need to go back to the GP, you need to protect your mental health. Your DH needs a kick up the arse. He seems to think you can handle all three and be stimulating company to boot so he can step up and do it too. If you think he would be supportive, tell him how you’re feeling. You need support urgently.

If you have Homestart locally you can refer yourself. I’m a Homestart volunteer and you would definitely be offered a volunteer ( might be a waiting list but worth it)

I have total sympathy op, I have 2 yr old twins and feel like this a lot. Are your older 2 entitled to free hours at preschool? If so, take them!!! Take them all!!

Feel for you. It's a while now since mine were little but I do remember the massive culture shock of having children and the whole of life's dynamic changing. I realised eventually that life with young children is all about expectations. If you expect to achieve loads of stuff and/or me time, it's a bad day as it doesn't work out how you'd hoped. Good days though were days when I had no expectations and no calls on my time except to be with the children. They were so much easier as I could give them all my time to sit and cuddle, play, sing, whatever. Dinner was always a casserole type thing with jacket potatoes which could be prepared while kids were asleep and put in the oven with the timer set. Everyone puts themselves under so much pressure these days; to be in amazing shape, to socialise, to be the perfect wife but the reality is that anyone who tells you they have achieved this is not being entirely truthful. In my experience, each day became easier as the children grew up and become more biddable, started school, made friends and I got used to being a full time Mum. Reach out; others will also be feeling overwhelmed and it does pass I promise. Good luck

The Saturday job idea is fantastic.

OP this is why I separated. I had literally nothing left for another adult at the end of the day and resented having to spend time with them when I was always desperate for a shower alone when they went to
Bed and on tenter hooks waiting for one to wake up. It’s just as hard now I’m properly alone but simpler emotionally. I had a child with autism though and a young baby so
a similar level of demand to your three. It’s really hard and your apple story is a perfect illustration. Your husband needs to give you a few hours to yourself at least once a week.

I have been there op. I had 3 under 4 at one point. No help to be seen from anyone. Dh working long hours and totally stressed when he was home. No friends. Its a lonely hard slog. I remember putting a poo nappy in the bin outside once and standing next to the bin for an extra five minutes nappy sack in hand just for the peace of it. They are 10, 11 and just turned 13 now. Its so much better (and it was all worth it!). I can tell you now, when you have them all in school it will be so much easier and your life will be transformed, hell, even 2 in school or nursery will be bliss. Until then I think have a chat to dh to explain you need some head space too. He has to pull his weight with the kids and the house and not see it has just your realm. Back in the kuds younger years I started running twice a week (therefore dh has to watch the kids while i am gone - yay!). Gave me space and him an insight into my life (might add I did run bit I mainly sat on a bench or walked around with my music in my ears). I also started going to a writing group once a month. I met some cool people that were not related to kids (like school run mums...where I was just talking about kids/colds/kids parties/packed lunches and savage softplay centre's in the lical area ect..), started making friends. Slowly I picked up the threads of my life and it was good. Find something that will take you out the house (once a week/once a month, anything) and book it in with dh. You can turn this around op xx