My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

Your life would be easier if you divorced that man, he is no husband or father, if you divorced him he would have to parent his kids 50% of the time. He should have had a vasectomy instead of repeatedly impregnating you and wanting a rosy, smiley barefoot and pregnant little woman to service him at home.

No one made you have 3 kids; you should have stopped at one or had bigger gaps in between when you realised you didn't like being a mother. The poor discipline is down to you and your husband, I'm afraid.

The kids need to be outside running around, remove the audience (you) when they whinge, let them help you prepare food/lay the table etc. Actually play with them and enjoy them and give them some quality attention as I bet you are shouting at them all the time for random silly, unimportant things. Get some other mums as friends and let the kids play together at the park.

Tell your husband he needs to step up and be with the kids 50% of the time at the weekend. Treat yourself to some shopping time then or go and sit on a bench somewhere in the countryside and read a book!

Treat yourself to some shopping time? What the fuck am I reading here?

Go back to the drs get different medication make plans to return to work even couple of hours will make a difference to your mental health

let them help you prepare food

They're all under 5...how much 'help' do you think it would be?!

It can be hell at times but honestly it will get easier. Speak to your GP if you feel you are not coping. Take one small thing a day and try and enjoy it. Try and exercise (YouTube ? Workout), you will be amazed at how much energy you gain. Eat regular meals. Snacking and grazing can impact on mood and energy, not in a good way. Try and bring light to the day, see some funny sides. If the kids are whinging, distract them with something. Get out and about. There is no answer here on some days, I found it awful at times. I really feel for you but these were the things that got me through it.

@quizqueen How thoroughly unpleasant. OP has three children under 5, a pretty useless husband, no family support and possible post-natal depression. She doesn't need to be told it's all her fault when it's not, and she certainly doesn't need a fucking shopping day.

Your DH needs to understand you're not there to be his entertainment after pulling a 15 hour shift. Putting the house back together as you say is a shared responsibility. It's tough that you're both in such demanding jobs (Yes full time sahm to 3 under 5s is a really tough job) and no, weekends aren't for him alone to recharge.
You need another grown up in the house. You can't be looking after him on top of everything else.
It's not selfish of you to make time for your health and sanity. Not long ago a dear friend of mine suddenly died. I wish she had taken more time for herself. She wouldn't have left 2 orphans behind.

He gets the weekend to relax? so when do you relax he might think its easier but then says he cant cope with three alone- tough go out one sat/sun and say youve got the kids im having a day out and go

Otherwise whats the point of staying with him

quizqueen with all due respect, shut the fuck up.

I had 4 under 6 years old. It is tough. I had no help at all as their father passed away. You will get through these trying times. Enjoy your kids. Babies dont keep
Dont be so hard on yourself love.

No advice as such, but I was in a similar position of sorts..2 under age 2..It's gradually got better (they're 5 and 6 now) but when they were little, my life line was nursery just to give me a break. No family around. No friends really to even help.

I do hear you. You're not a crap mum or person at all. A lot of your post still resonates with me now. I also have zero time for myself even now. No hobbies. No time to make myself look nice and I"ve got to the point where I know I look like crap and I don't even really care. Piled on weight. DH also can't cope with the kids so weekends for him are about 'relaxing' doing his hobbies whilst I have the kids again on my own.

FWIW I think men in general are just crap at dealing with small kids.

You do sound very much like you're suffering from depression. I hope you go and chat to a good GP soon.

Thats a fob off Coastal men can cope fine if they bothered to do it from the start

Sounds like hell on Earth!

This is why I am petrified of having children and why I am getting my tubes tied later on this year. DH has already had a vasectomy. The small joys of children aren’t worth the drudgery!

Just want to send you some hugs and hold your hand cause it's tough and crap and so thankless being a mother sometimes. I feel the exact way you do sometimes. New medication helped me. It was actually a godsend and has made me a better mother. Asking people for help too. Joining a local mother's group. And getting out for walks most days with the kids to wear them out.

When my children were little I tried to take them out as much as possible. Get housework and dinner half prepared before 12 and then OUT! It alleviated that trapped feeling . Just parks or maybe library or occasionally visiting other Mums or mother / child groups but OUT !

@Skittlenommer Very helpful for the OP.

Gabs he was brilliant whilst they were babies and toddlers. When they turned about 4 and 3, that's when he suddenly couldn't cope. He had a shit childhood with a crap mum, and it became very apparent that he had nothing to pull on from his own experiences for dealing with small kids.

I'm reading lots of these posts and nodding. Obviously my two are at school now so I do get a rest (I work evenings 7 days a week) , but right now in the holidays..jeez. Up at 7am. On duty with them til 5pm. Then out to work. I got in at 9 tonight and both kids still pissing about, husband kicking off saying they were being naughty and I needed to deal with them and put them down. So basically, I sat down at 10pm. So a 15 hour day. That's been pretty standard over the hols.

still crap he can cope he just doesnt want to-othersie he woldnt have been able to cope when they were babies either

Babies don't talk!

I know how you feel Cindy. And women are made to feel ‘cold’ or ‘selfish’ if they don’t want kids.
It is truly shit sometimes. You really are not a bad mum. Xxxx

He can't handle all three alone but you have to, 24/7? Have you asked your DH when your time to relax is? Explain to him that if he would pull his weight - with his children - you will have more energy to talk in the evenings.

oh dear qyizquee. How utterly awful you sound.
What an unbearable know-all.

You see Cindy. I bet you didn’t think of that?
Remove yourself as the ‘audience’
Then take them outside for a run around.

Oh, and get your husband to step up.

That’s all you need to do.
Any more questions, ask quizqueen.

You are not a bad mum,wife or person. You sound exhausted. Speak to your dr and tell them how exhausted you feel. You could be run down.
Your husband needs to be told that either he helps or you will end up in hospital.

good wishes .

We have 3 of our own. Before no3 came along we had our two and my BIL’s son for 3-4 days a week. ( he was sole parent but had to work)

We did this for a while, all under 4. When our own no.3 came along we knew we couldn’t manage 4 - he had to make his own arrangements. ( and pay!)

Our ‘borrowed’ child had different rules in the 3 houses he lived in and so life was difficult at times. ( both for him and us as a family)

We eventually established a bedtime routine, tea, bit of a play, bath, story, bed. Initially had as some thought they should downstairs watching TV and being entertained/waited on.

After a few days peace reigned. We could reclaim the room - toys away - and enjoy an evening of peace and do what we wanted to do.

At times it took nerves of steel but it was worth it.

Of course, 27 years on, its easy to prescribe a cure. When you’re in the middle of upset and are tired it’s very hard to see a way out of the continual circle of childcare, noise, needs etc.

All the best.