My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

I spoke to my DH who looked irritated initially but seemed to understand towards the end.

At no point in the conversation should he have ever looked irritated.

We’ve agreed he will take the kids out every Saturday to the park for at least two hours.

How fucking generous of him. Any reason he hasn't done this before?

He will do Saturday bath time and cook

Oh wow, he's the gift that keeps on giving. Bath AND cooking, for ONE night.

he will continue to play Rugby on Sundays but will take over Sunday bedtime.

Oh well, that's amazingly fair isn't it? You do all day, he does bedtime.

He wasn’t happy about a Saturday job, but said he can’t stop me.

That has made me fucking angry. He's not happy, but he can't stop you?

I have no idea what kind of job I will look for but il do anything. He took it personally that I need to get away from him, the kids and the house.

He should take it personally, he sounds like an arse.

He’s asked for us to spend quality time together, he said he just wants time with his wife to watch a film or go for a drink.

Yeah well, wives are generally in a better mood when the other parent pulls their weight, both with the house and with childcare.

He said finances are tight but will send me to a travelodge for a weekend around November time. If we book it now it’s cheaper, and something to look forward to.

Well, he's a keeper. No offence, as we're in the same tight boat, but DH would do something a hell of a lot more for me than that. Not expensive, but with a lot more thought.

He thinks I’m mad getting excited to a travelodge stay alone with books and snacks.

Then he truly doesn't get it. Which we know anyway.

Also, pretty angry about the fact he can't look after all 3, but you can? Did he not hear that you can't?

Sorry OP, he sounds like a wanker. Really hope he gets better for you.

Sick and tired of seeing women treated like this.

And ignore any posters saying that you shouldn't have had 3 children. I have 3 children. If they were all like DS1, I'd be a smug shit of a parent. If I had all 3 like DS2, I'd have gone AWOL if DH hadn't been the equal parent.

Oh, and it's not looking after, or babysitting, it's just parenting. And why the fuck wouldn't he want to spend time with them anyway?

The thing is, you can’t foresee what your OH will be like before you have kids. You can’t foresee what work commitments or changes of career or location will impact on your situation. You can’t foresee how health issues may make things harder.
You can’t foresee whether family will help or whether you will have supportive friendships.
All these things massively impacted me in ways i could not have imagined when I embarked on parenthood. I just got through it the best way I could. Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.
Anyone who imagines you can foresee and plan for everything is deluded. Some people will have three children and sail through . Others may have a child with special needs who turns their world upside down. Money, size of house, location and jobs can all change quite dramatically during the time you are bringing up children.

nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children

There is nothing comparable

I agree with this. And I only have one child AND a DH who pulls his weight more than enough. And I have a job. Still feel like it’s a slog (and DS is a pretty well behaved toddler)

@lavenderandthyme

thanks. I said similar up thread. I love my 3 beyond measure and I enjoy them. but it's bloody hard at times. i really feel for people who are struggling due to lack of support. they've come on here for a bit of help I just don't understand why people feel the need to say anything if they don't have something kind or helpful to add.

Well done for making a plan, Cindy. It doesn't sound like you've put enough in place to help you, though. Having a break from the children for two hours on a Saturday isn't long enough to allow you to rest. And as for a Travelodge in November - my god - NOVEMBER? You don't need it in November, you need it NOW

Good luck, Cindy. I hope things improve for you. Come back and let us know how you're doing.

@Mycatisnotallthat your insistence on making your point is kind of derailing the thread and isn’t helping the OP at all.

Where are you in the country?

I’m an Ofsted reg nanny, with loads of review and parents you can talk to.

I’ll give you an evening to yourselves for free xxx

Tell your dh if you left him and got 50/50 custody you’d have a break every other weekend, so to buck his ideas up and stop
moaning when he gets in from work.

Do any of them qualify for the 30hrs childcare if it go back to work? I broke even going back after my third, but I had to for my sanity.

Lots of people THINK LONG AND HARD about children. It can still come as a shock despite the DEPTH of thinking. Stop telling people they're finding it hard because they didn't consider it well enough and find a new agenda.

They sounds very similar to my life only mine don’t fucking sleep- hence posting at 4 ok the morning. Even trying to eat my tea earlier sat them down on there little table but within 5 minutes they were both sat on my knee when I was eating. Dh moves them but back within minutes so I just gave up

@MyCatIsNotAllThat
You are spouting a lot of nonsense.

Lots of couples plan to have children, everyone of them being much wanted and loved.

That doesn't stop it being absolutely relentless at times.

You certainly can't predict for how your children will be.
Things that affect how challenging it will be:

Are they sleepers.
Do they feed easily and well.
Have they a lot of childhood illnesses.
Have they allergies.
Did they respond well to being taught to self soothe.
Can they entertain themselves.
Are they bolters.
Are they prone to whining.
Are they clingy.
Do they make friends easily.
Do they adapt to change.
Do they fit into playschool, Montessori, big school.
Do they find a school work easy.
Do they have language difficulties.
Do they have any food allergies.
Have they asthma.
Do they suffer with anxiety.
Do they navigate school friendships easily.
Do they move from primary to secondary easily.
Do they settle into study and working well.
Do they prepare for exams.
Do they challenge you while teens and become argumentative excessively.
Do they abide by house rules.
Do they help around the house.
Do they respect your rules re alcohol before 18.

Then there are all the variables that happen with health, careers, family support, or lack of, childcare.

Despite all the planning in the world any of the above can make rearing children harder and I am quite sure there are dozens of others that can spring up.

To suggest you can prepare for them is silly. The best you can hope for is that you will have a kind supportive partner who has your back, is as invested as you are in the children and will be with you for the duration.

I really hope the OP gets the support she so badly needs and some empathy IRL.

I don't think that I will ever have children.

Women are definitely pressurised by sociert to have children.
If you have children - it is the norm
If you don't have children - you are asked why.
Do what is right for you, not what society makes you think that you shod be doing

Cindy55, I really do understand where you're coming from. I sometimes feel the same too. It's tough, and sometimes the daily grind just feels like it's too much to bear. I think the other thing that has an impact is the weird isolation mums often experience. It's a lonely, hard job. Do you think you should see your Dr? You might be experiencing some depression, that you might be able to get a bit of help with? I suffered from post-natal anxiety and depression after the birth of both my sons, and anti-depressants helped me to overcome it. Please don't feel like you're alone, motherhood is very tough indeed sometimes and lots of women experience low mood. You might find speaking to your Dr a help.

Yanbu
I have one and sometimes feel like you. She is very full on, demanding, talks non stop, flits from thing to thing eg gets everything out then abandons it for the next thing
(my mum says I was just like that, my mum finds her hard work too)
Sometimes I want to cry but no tears come -it’s like I’m numb
It can be such a drag..so weary. And then the man wants your attention. F that!

So basically, you should know parenting is hard. If you continue to have children, it's your own fault if you then find it hard, and as such you can't complain

People need to stop judging everyone's choices.

0 children - when are you having kids? Why not? You'll regret not having them.

1 child - when are you having more? Child needs a sibling. He'll be lonely. You're being selfish.

2 boys - are you not going to have a third? Surely you must want a girl?

2 girls - are you not going to have a third? Surely you must want a boy?

1 boy/1 girl - why are you having a third baby? You've already got a boy and a girl.

4+ kids - haven't you got enough now?

Close age gaps - oh my God, how do you cope so close in age? I wouldn't have had them so close together.

Big age gaps - wow, those gaps are huge, why? Pretty selfish having such big gaps, they won't be close growing up.

Whatever your set up, people will judge.

Find playgroups they are a lifeline.

Just go to a family venue on a busy school holiday weekend. Observe the couples. Their interactions with each other, their degrees of happiness. Watch what coupled life with the kids is really like. Forget what people say. Watch that crowd. That's all the information you need. That scene is raw, brutal honesty.

I know I’m very late to the game but just came across this post. How are things now for you? I can relate to how you feel. My child is a sullen, negative, bossy know-it-all with awful interpersonal skills, who accepts no help from anyone and just rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out. He’s on medicine and between him, my husband and myself we go to 4 different therapists. I’m also a therapist, so I guess you could say 5! Nothing is getting better. I really never thought this way until now, but I think some kids just suck and there isn’t much that can be done about it. I’ve lost all hope.

I remember feeling overwhelmed when my 2 DDs were small and there was a short age gap and the cost of childcare prohibited me from returning to work. My DH also worked long hours and did not appreciate how tough it was. Even weekends he would be fiddling about with DIY again leaving all childcare to me until I got a Saturday job and he had to step up. I would suggest that and your DH will have to learn to cope as you have. It will get easier.

You need to change the way you parent.
Implement more or different rules
Harder punishments and more structure

Cause thats all it is really
And being consequent...

it will still be hard. But doable
And healthier for your whole family

I agree about the societal pressure to have kids and that you will regret it if you don’t. It’s how a patriarchal society keeps women in their (childbearing/raising) place

I was in a similar situation, with one big difference. DH, despite his very difficult and demanding job, pulled his weight 100% with the children during the weekend. I remember waking up to a clean house too, he must have been cleaning in the night before going to work. It was still devastatingly hard for me (VERY demanding children, no family at all too, plus very difficult life circumstances) but we survived and now I’m back to work and children are nearly in the secondary. I will never forget what DH done for us, he was and still absolutely brilliant dad. You deserve the same effort. It makes all the difference.

Given that your husband has been complicit in creating 3 children that you can’t really afford, and as a result your quality of life is zero, he needs to step up and fast. In the short term, give you a break. In the mid to long term, work out a plan to get you back to work and reclaiming your identity.