If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

I would suggest that you have a shallow relationship if this was the case. I love my DH for who he is, not what he looks like - I am attracted to him because I love him - and I am very confident to say the same thing the other way round. Things change, our bodies change - a relationship should move through that.

I'm not sure what you are expecting of MNers here . If you are talking about yourself no longer finding your DP attractive as s/he's overweight then your relationship is in trouble anyway because you're quite shallow. However if that's where you are, it's where you are.

Surely overtime relationships evolve to be much deeper than just physical appearance?

It should be the person inside that you love and find attractive not the outer shell.
That said if the wait is merely due to laziness and it is that which you find unattractive yanbu otherwise yabu

Being honest, if my DH gained a significant amount of weight, I’d still love him, but I can’t be sure I’d still be physically attracted to him - and I’m sure that works both ways.

I don’t find overweight men physically attractive, I can’t help or change that.

If my partner put on many stones and it was clearly through simple laziness, careless eating etc then it would be that slothfulness that would turn me off rather than the actual weight. It's different if the weight has very slowly crept on through age, less time to exercise, pregnancy etc.

Is it really shallow?
Is it not that if you don’t fancy fat people... you just don’t fancy them?

If there’s children involved then it’s quite a long term relationship. I find it sad if that’s what you’re feeling i’d hope most relationships have a bit more to them than that; that said if that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel...

This is so complex. I don’t believe that we can police who people are attracted to. Yet I would like to think a high quality relationship and the attraction in it is made up of more than looks and way more than one aspect of that which is weight. It’s also about the sort of life’s partner you choose, and what their world view is on relationships attraction and character is.

This isn't about reasonable or unreasonable. Desire doesn't respond to reason.
Having said that: me and DH have both changed shape since we got together and we still find each other attractive. Sometimes it's about the other things: humour, connection, shared history.

Well, if you don't find someone objectively attractive then you don't and there's nothing you can really do about that. However, as PP said, people hopefully find their partners attractive BECAUSE they love them, because of who they are and physical changes in a person shouldn't affect this.

I'm guessing you don't find fat people attractive op

I've gained 7 stone since meeting DH and carrying all his children.

DH loves me and is just as attracted to me.

Becaus ehe loves me not my body.

What about women who don't gain weight but have babies. Should men recoil at stretch marks and sagging breasts too?

What about aging? Wrinkles?

A relationship and attraction should be stronger than physical appearance alone.

I think I agree with this as attraction is based on a physical response to someone which could change if their appearance drastically changed. Loving someone and being attracted to them physically do not always go hand in hand. I would expect my partner to stick with me and be supportive around me losing weight though if I had put on a lot. I also wouldn’t be angry if they told me honestly that they were not attracted to me anymore since the weight gain.

I'd hope that love and kindness would remain regardless of how you looked (I'm thinking of things like accidents/illnesses which change a person's body/face which are entirely outside of their control). I love DH, obviously and physical attraction is definitely a part of that love.

If you're massively into keeping fit, taking care of your body and generally being healthy it's going to be a challenge maintaining a relationship with someone who cares so little for themselves/their body that they'll ruin it. It might be cold to admit it, but I can see how it could change a relationship over a period of time.

You'll be told on here that it should make no difference. A person should be loved for the person they are and not for how they look, which is true.

However, loving someone and finding them sexually attractive is not always linked.

Yes, it probably is shallow, but if someone just doesn't find a very over weight person attractive, even someone they love, that's how they feel. There's no should about it. We can't help how we feel.

If my husband gained a great deal of weight then I wouldn't be attracted to him. I don't find very overweight men attractive. I would still be supportive to help him lose weight and cook healthy meals.

I don’t know, it depends on what’s happened. Is the overweight partner miserable/unhappy or more a victim of middle age spread than the other? Had a trauma? Really more context is needed. People do end up putting on weight for a multitude of reasons. Some are much more prone to it. What has actually happened here?

It is incredibly hard to do a 'rule'.

Everyone is different. What's ok for one person isn't ok for another.

I think a good partnership needs patience and understanding from both sides, e.g. after one half has e.g. given up smoking or had a baby or become unwell - but it really needs to work both ways.

I think it is one of the most difficult dilemmas tbh to come into a relationship.

Yes, barring abuse, you should ideally love your partner whatever. But they shouldn't take the piss. That leads to the erosion of love - and with that, the erosion of desire.

I think loving someone and being attracted to them are different things - it isn't shallow it's human nature and biology - yes if partner put loads of weight on i would struggle to find them attractive and would expect the same from him if it was me

Is this about just sex or the extra weight affecting other things like how the person takes care of them self, what they’re able to do and enjoy?

I love my husband more than I can say and can’t see a change in his appearance changing that, but part of my attraction to him is him looking after himself, being able to go for long walks, cooking and eating good healthy food, and yes, swinging from the chandeliers occasionally so that could definitely change if he doubled in size.

Wow. If you don't fancy this fat person anymore then please do them the favour of setting them free so they can find love elsewhere. Then pray and hope the person you next meet won't leave you for your white hair and wrinkles. Incredibly shallow and vain.

Honestly .. I wish I was like most MN who seem to think physical appearance should have no baring on how much you want to have sex with someone..
Accident/illness out of ones control
Body changes due to pregnancy.. it’s part of having kids
Being vvvvvv overweight because you eat loads and no exercise... wish I found it a turn on!

I don't think you can control what turns you on, so no, not unreasonable to stop finding partner sexually attractive if they gain a lot of weight. Many people don't like the feel and look of obesity. Sexual desire isn't something fakeable for many people.

I find this very sad. Whatever happened to loving and valuing the person you married?

I'd also suggest that overeating can be a sign that someone is not happy as food can be used to suppress emotions. Maybe your partner would be happier without your perfect self?