If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

@Italiangreyhound

Thank you for asking
I feel much today. Have had weekend with friends so quite a nice time!
Did spend time out today looking at number of dads out there playing with the kids , who manage to be not massively overweight.
It always feels easier when I’ve got them anyway as I don’t have to worry about walking too far which he never likes.
I’m feeling like it’s not resolvable with input from me. I can’t do anything about food in the house, as even if there are healthy options he just picks up stuff on way back from work.
Yesterday I saw how he struggled to put on his shoes and socks . He’s not an elderly or disabled man. It’s hard to watch.
On the lovely day it was yesterday he sat on the sofa watching some shite on tv . If I had a day to myself without the kids there would be loads id want to do!
I don’t think he would change for me .
When kids go back to school I’m going to have a conversation regarding separation . I have no idea how I’ll make this work but the thought of continuing like this is too depressing.
Re thr money side of things . On D.C. in specialist school so need to remain in area close enough for getting there, and to work and ideally without moving other D.C. I’m not sure a flat would be ideal with ASD child due to sometimes having horrific meltdowns .
Anyway I’m feeling more positive now.
And really do appreciate the time complete strangers have spent offering advice and support. It’s very kind x

I hope it works out for you, the problem I think with any issue that involves food is that it is often masking something else and it's that something else that needs to be resolved. If he wants to help himself and seek help then I think it's a bit harsh in talking of separation but if he refuses then it's hard to continue with someone that just won't help themselves. For his own health I hope he does sort this out, but there is no easy road and if he does seek help honestly he is going to need all the support he can get. I wish you all the best of luck with this.

Attraction is more than just body size surely? I like to think in theory that I would help them if they wanted help. I'm single though, and not usually attracted to overweight people. But if someone becomes overweight during the course of a long term relationship, that's different.

Op. I'm going to ask you a question. Feel free to ignore. This is only a forum. It's just that when men behave like this towards their partners and start complaining of no longer being attracted to them, it's what comes to mind.
Are you attracted to someone else in your life/ having an emotional affair?

Most people don't find obesity attractive. That's the honest truth.

Good on you for considering making a change. I don't have autistic children so sorry if this is a stupid question, but do you have/could you make contact with other parents of ASD children, especially single parents? When I was separating from my exh it was really useful to find other divorcees, simply to see how they'd dealt with things and how they were faring a few years on. In your case I imagine that it could also be quite useful to compare with parents of ASD chidren.

Glad you are feeling better.

All the people saying they would still find their partner attractive if he put on a lot of weight might be answering a slightly different question!

They might be answering ... Do you hope you would still find your partner attractive if he put on a lot of weight?

Because if it hasn't happened to you, how do you know?

I was pretty biggish when dh met me, so he has never known me slimmer. Would he fancy me more if I were slimmer? I expect he would!

Would he love me more! Who knows!

Would I be around longer to be loved by him? Maybe so!

Maybe the OP's husband should be answering the question, what am I willing to do to save this marriage?

Not read the replies.
Just the OP.
If either of you feel like that, then surely there's something deeper going on?
I mean, I know I'm about 3st heavier and definitely more unfit and blah since marrying 20 years ago. I know he still wants me as me regardless of weight.
Appearances are surface.

I found this thread so, so sad. People have been very quick to judge this man, in a way they wouldn't have if his appearance had changed for an accident or something similar, this is because overweight people are judged harshly in our society, obesity is seen as a character flaw, a moral failure.

We know today, if you bother to look at the science, that this is not the case, there are a number of complex factors that explain it, that we do not even fully understand yet.

One just has to look at the size of the dieting industry to realise losing wight and keeping it off for good is very, very hard.

OP, if you don't love him anymore, are not attracted to him anymore, fair enough, of course you have to leave, you have a right to be happy. But if you think he must not love you because it would be so easy to make a change but he won't, I don't think that's true. It is not easy to make the change. All I am saying is, don't take it as a sign he does not care about you in itself. Of course, for all I know he may be a selfish prick nevertheless, only you know that!

Obese people wear the signs of their struggles on their body for all to see, they can't hide it, this makes them really vulnerable, and opens them up to judgement immediately upon meeting, that in itself becomes a burden.

People have been very quick to judge the OP and make excuses for her husband. I know all about over eating and yes it is very complex.

I've looked for counselling and help for the problems. Making excuses for the husband doesn't really help him!

I wouldn't fancy my dp if he was very overweight and i would want a fit and healthy role model for my kids

He is aware that you are not actively looking for sex, that you are not keen, that you are not enjoying or feeling turned on, yet still he does this?

This is very unpleasant, at best grim

You have tried all you can, and you should never have to try that hard

You never have to have sex with someone. Sex is something you actively want to do before engaging in it. How does he even enjoy this, or how can he treat you this way?!

If he is not doing anything to improve things, and you have done more than was healthy for you, its time to stop, yes.

The weight turn-off (and it is a huge turn-off for many), was really about an awful lot more in the relationship.

I hope you can make some good plans for your futures, and that he can be a decent partner about it. People often use relationships as emotional props, as well as food. Sometimes the emotional prop hinders a person getting help for themselves, as often happens with alcoholism.

They rely on others instead of facing up to their issues. From what you've said, this rings true.

@Blueandredandblue

Interesting question...
No I’m not . But I have...I’ll don my hard hat
3 years ago I had I suppose an EA with someone I found very attractive and lovely and funny who was unhappily married. He did make me feel great about myself and more confident. I did consider very deeply splitting then but then I thought it’s only because of having head turned.
However now I see that splitting up would likely mean a lifetime on my own and actually I’m not really scared about that.

OP what happened with the guy? Is he still unhappily married?

Does your dh know about this other guy and your attraction to him?

OP this thread has really encouraged me. Managed to avoid sweets today.

@Italiangreyhound

He’s divorced now and happily with someone else. And I don’t ever think ‘what if ‘ with him as it wouldn’t have worked. His ex wife is also with a new bloke. I think much as there marriage might have run its course they are quite sensible and civil with each other which helps

My dh doesn’t know.

And I’m pleased for you ! If some good can come out of my moaning on this then that’s a good thing!
😊

I felt attracted to a man at work once, he was not as good looking as my dh, or as successful, or (to be honest) amazing as my dh. But he made me feel good about myself! If men could only work out that this is GOLD for women, more men would do it.

Please can I suggest an honest chat with dh and suggest again if necessary counselling to save your marriage. Maybe flatter his ego, worry about his health, I'd give it one more push yo get him into the counselor's office and into the gym if you love him still and think it is worth it. Xx

Yes.. that feeling of feeling good about yourself is so precious.

I think I’ll wait til school starts before raising anything. I’ve thought a lot about stuff over last few days. Not sure counselling would help now- if he even did agree.

I will hopefully update on this x

All the best.

Good luck OP. I'm very overweight. My exH refused to have sex with me and I got heavier and heavier.
It stung that he no longer found me attractive. Especially considering he was and is grossly overweight himself. No doubt his feelings were not as binary as I took them to be.

Our marriage was toxic. He's a very difficult man. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I got out. I've lost some weight but still feel deeply unattractive. I guess it's a hangover from the marriage, and I very much hope it will pass.

It's excruciatingly painful emotionally to be so overweight. Everything is pre-judged through an "I'm fat" lens; the clothes I wear, the risks I take, the life I don't live.

I think you were brave to post. I expected to feel defensive reading the thread but I haven't, and that may well be the a significant step in my recovery. Ex didn't have the balls to talk things over with me. He didn't actively support me to lose weight (not sure he was able) and yet he was happy to stay married because it suited him. You're taking steps to resolve things which is admirable. Hope I'm making some sense.

aufaitaccompli I really wish you all the best getting to be where you want to be in life. With eight and relationships.

My DH has gained a lot of weight and has recently been diagnosed as having high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes which he has started on medication for. He's 48 and I'm concerned about his health. I'm still attracted to him, as I always have been, but part of me is a bit cross that he's not making that much of an effort to lose weight, he knows he needs to, I don't nag at him or get at him. I don't want to lose him at a younger age and we have a 7 year old DD.

weight and relationship!

@Italiangreyhound
Thank you