If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

It's absolute sexist bollocks that women don't care about appearances. Some of us do very much indeed. It's this idiotic idea that a woman should be happy with a fat sloth or else she's shallow that's utterly ridiculous.

The very idea of being crushed by a fat, sweaty, huffing and puffing man whilst having sex makes my vagina shrivel up. It'd be like a collision between a fiat 126p and a steam engine. Just. no.

Love and sexual attraction are not the same thing. If my DH gained 7 stone then no I would not find him sexually attractive and I would not want to have sex with him, I would still love him though. If I gained 7 stone then I wouldn't expect him to find me sexually attractive either. In fact I'm still carrying about a stone of extra baby weight and I know full well that dh probably doesn't find me as attractive as he would if I lost the weight.

I actually agree with you. Some people get cosy in a relationship and stop trying. I don't think it's shallow at all, we should look after our relationships.
Neither me nor dh finds the other attractive if either of us our over weight, by much. Our love is very deep and we are celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary in a little while.

When we got married my husband and I were slim and fit. Forward 10 years and my husband is still slim and fit, I am not. It is impacting our sex life and my husband doesn’t find it attractive.

This is a pointless thread. It doesn't matter what we think because it's YOU who has to live with your dh and share a bed with him. No one here can convince you to fancy him can they? We can't make him lose weight either.

I didn't marry for looks, neither me or dh are models, we are very ordinary looking, we've both fluctuated in weight over the years.

I like and fancy dh for who he is and the things he does rather than what he looks like.

This is very complicated. As others have pointed out upthread, loving someone and being sexually attracted to them are not necessarily the same thing and you don't always have control over what does or doesn't turn you on.

I think if you really genuinely loved someone through and through and particularly if their personality was what drove the initial spark weight gain would be less of an issue than if it was an attraction that was primarily physical. I think if you really felt that person was your soulmate you could still find them physically attractive through significant weight gain.

But saying someone is shallow for not fancying a partner who has put on significant weight is a bit naïve. Massive weight gain does very significantly affect not just your looks but your movement, your fitness, your ability to do things. It's also often indicative of a certain sense of having given up on things and people stopping trying.

If my other half put on a shed load of weight (like multiple stones) it would be a problem for me tbh.

Honestly I wouldn't find it attractive and it would put me off sex. I dont have any help in how you fix it though. Maybe a Frank discussion with him.

Pikachusmum

Fuck off
Partner having a roving eye... 🙄
He doesn’t and why would you think anyone else would want to fuck him ...
Although there appears to be a hoard of mumsneters who simply cannot accept being fat is usually as a result of eating more than you burn off
And bring massively overweight makes sex s bit shit

It's absolute sexist bollocks that women don't care about appearances. Some of us do very much indeed. It's this idiotic idea that a woman should be happy with a fat sloth or else she's shallow that's utterly ridiculous I agree

@Luckybe40, I'm not faulting her for not being physically attracted to him. But it is wrong to believe this is just a matter of a lack of willpower, or gluttony.

YANBU. I would find it off putting as to have enjoyable sex I need to be attracted to someone, and I find laziness and over indulgence really unattractive characteristics.
Obviously, if he was overweight for medical / mental health reasons, it wouldn’t put me off as the weight gain wouldn’t be because of the personality traits.

if all these people who would fancy their partners no matter what size they are ask them if they met their partners in a bar when they were single and their partners were 4-5 stone overweight, would they have been interested in them sexually?
Having dated after the age of 45, I am so glad that I like a "bear" type. Sure, there were a few skinny men in there, too, but all I was avoiding was the ones with moustaches :)
Now, if my bf grew a moustache that would definitely be a sign that he was trying to get rid of me...

@Farrowandbrawl

I think I answered that in the 2nd half of my sentence.

Have you actually sat him down and asked him if he's okay? Had a real heart to heart as to why he is suddenly feeling like he wants to eat so much and do no exercise? Presumably he ate better and exercised when you first met? How long ago was that?

I speak from experience, I put on a load of weight, comfort ate and just didn't want to move when I had depression. When people asked me if I was okay I said yes, at first I honestly thought I was but I really wasn't. If he has recently started to eat more and move less, then yes, there is a real possibility he is depressed or even has a thyroid condition. There is usually a trigger for suddenly eating more and not exercising. Maybe you could help him work out what it is rather than just judging him. Failing that, leave him and let him find someone who will love him even if he is a bit bigger than you find attractive.

And for those that ask what I wanted ..,
I suppose some kind of understanding that by choosing to be overweight knowing that it impacts on your partners sexual enjoyment is unfair

But I think everyone on mn who is overweight knows for a fact their partner wants them just the same

Do you honestly think people cannot be fat through lifestyle? Does there have to a problem?

Issue is more the word. If he's as extremely obese as you are making him out to be, there are always reasons why people do the things they do. Always.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen

Why do you think I’m a troll
Because I’m frustrated at the prospect of having a rubbish sex life and unfulfilling relationship?

I suppose some kind of understanding that by choosing to be overweight knowing that it impacts on your partners sexual enjoyment is unfair

It's kind of like a paradox though. He will know you only want to use his dick when he's thin. Therefore, it's not "him" you love. Just how thin he is. But you are only attracted to him, and want to have sex with him, when he's a healthy slim size. Which he's not. So, he'll feel like just a piece of meat.

What can you do? If he is not mentally ready to get help for his obesity, there's not much you can do. You're not attracted to him when he;s like this, but, for whatever reason, he is eating so much he is obese. He will see you only want to shag him when he;s thin, and that probably make him see you in a completely different light. You're both stuck between a rock and a hard place - and complaining on a public forum isn't going to really change anything, unless of course it serves to make you realise that the posiition you are in is untenable and you leave, because you want a slim man who can turn you on, not one who is obese and is not ready to help himself become healthy.

Are you actually in a relationship with someone who has gained weight because (in your opinion) that person is lazy, greedy and stupid?
If that's the case (and bearing in mind that there are a variety of reasons for substantial weight gain and anyone who thinks it's just a matter of eating too much and doing no exercise is a fucking idiot) then I can sort of understand it being a bit of a turn-off. If someone is constantly eating while gawping at the television, and shows no interest in the relationship and no willingness to contribute anything, then, yeah, that might be unappealing. But that's often not what;s going on. Don't forget that we live in a world where fat people are hated and despised, and many very fat people started off as mildly chubby, but were bullied and shamed until they bought into the toxic and useless 'slimming industry. Dieting pretty much invariably leads to longterm, persistent weight gain because it messes with the metabolism.

I'm not an expert on maintaining sexual desire in longterm relationships, OP, because I have no interest in longterm relationships in the first place. But those who do participate in them often seem to be fairly happy with one another and still mutually attracted: desire is not always about body shape or appearance. Again, remember that many, many people do not look like models or celebrities but they still manage to have sex lives; their desirability isn't particularly to do with their body shape in the first place.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, you don't need anyone else's permission to end it. And it doesn't actually matter if your reasons for wanting to end it might seem 'trivial' to other people - it's up to you who you have sex with or find desirable. But it is a bit of a mistake to focus solely on 'sex appeal' as being a matter of thinness, youth, fashionableness, clear skin etc. You may never get FAT yourself, but you will get old. Will you be happy to accept that your sex life is over because other people judge you to be no longer fuckable, when the day comes?

It sounds as if his attitude (laziness, disregard for you etc) is as frustrating as the weight gain, and that although this perhaps wouldn’t be a problem for some people it is for you. What can you do?? Guess you have to try to discuss it and find some form of solution or, if that doesn’t prove helpful, think about whether this is a relationship that doesn’t work for you anymore.

If you are starting a thread like this there is no relationship left.

Set him free. He will be someone’s type. Many people don’t mind a fuller figure at all.

You can fuck men you fancy and you’ll both be happier.

Issue is more the word. If he's as extremely obese as you are making him out to be, there are always reasons why people do the things they do. Always.

Yes and sometimes that reason is they think their partner should just put up and shut up. Sometimes it may be that they think their partner can't leave them due to finances/nowhere else to go/because they don't want to be a single parent etc.

Sometimes the reasons are utterly selfish, which I think is what the OP is trying to get at.

It's not unusual for some people to lose lots of weight and start to take care of their health/looks/diet/hygiene, only when their partner has left them and they need to start dating again.

Because I’m frustrated at the prospect of having a rubbish sex life and unfulfilling relationship?

Then leave. Stop moaning, and leave. He's obviously not ready to change his lifestyle/happy as he is, and you want a slim man, so just leave, or put up and shut up, as they say, and wait for a time when he may realise it;s time for him to become healthy again (but not so his partner can want to shag him again for HIM, for HIS sake, no one elses).

Failing that, leave him and let him find someone who will love him even if he is a bit bigger than you find attractive.

Why do you think he wants this ?
He does not want to split
He does not want to be with anyone else
He wants us to be together

YouJustDoYou

See you are right
Id have to initiate split because he can’t be arsed to lose weight