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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

505 replies

Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:24

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

OP posts:
T0getherindreams · 22/08/2019 19:38

You can love someone, but if you don't find them sexually attractive then your relationship is nothing more than friendship.

People who say that looks don't matter are delusional.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:39

Mummy shark

And it’s that kind of bollocks ... set them freeeeeeeeeee
What if they don’t want the relationship to end ?
They want to stay together
They want to continue to have sex!?

OP posts:
glasshalf · 22/08/2019 19:39

This is how I feel - why would my partner find me attractive when my body is so gross and over weight but apparently he still does 18 years later- the mind boggles- or maybe he loves me for me and fancies me for me wobbly bits and all Grin

Ilikethisone · 22/08/2019 19:39

On mn there is one common theme

If man has put on weight, its excapetable for his female partner to not find him attractive anymore. It's also fine to say very negative words like, greedy, let himself go. No one ever asks OP 'I take it you are a victoria secret model/venus incarnate'.

If the male partner finds the female partner unattractive, he is shallow, doesn't respect her doesnt love her. If he uses negative terms to her, he is a cunt. Oh and he better be an Adonis/look like Chris Hemsworth.

Personally I think most people are kidding themselves, if they put 5 stone on, most peoples partners will fancy them less. They may love them, but fancy them less.

AmateurSwami · 22/08/2019 19:39

I’ve put on a lot of weight after having kids, getting postnatal depression and being put on medication. I weaned off it, lost the weight and was attacked by a student, leaving me with ptsd and back on the medication, and fat again. Not chubby, fat. If my husband left me for this I’d think he was a cunt. Not everyone is fat because they just inhale McDonald’s.

thecatsthecats · 22/08/2019 19:40

I think some people - me included - can ONLY fancy someone they think has a good personality. I can never fancy baddies in films etc, even if they're super hot.

So I fancy my husband, but wouldn't fancy him if he were a dick, but do fancy him even though he's gained weight.

Celebelly · 22/08/2019 19:41

I don't find overweight men (generic) attractive. I find my DP specifically attractive regardless.

pictish · 22/08/2019 19:41

No you’re not being unreasonable. It’s not just about appearances but also the disconnect between interests, lifestyles and philosophies.

Wale90 · 22/08/2019 19:42

It's a complex issue and not as simple as being shallow or not. Presumably we are all with our partners because we love their personality, quirks, humour, compassion, and yes looks. I would still love my partner if he gained some weight and I would expect the same from him.

However, I believe we have a responsibility to ourselves and our daughter to remain relatively fit and healthy. If he gained excessive weight (3/4 stone ish plus) for no valid medical or mental health reason then yes this negligence would bother me...not actually how he looked but the attitude to his health.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2019 19:43

If my husband left me for this I’d think he was a cunt.

Fair enough. But what if he didn’t fancy you? Would he be a cunt? He might still love you but it’s not the same thing as a lot of people have said.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:43

AmateurSwami

Erm.., your circs are slightly different
No Heath issues . No illnesses. Not been attacked.
Simply chooses to do no exercise and eat and drink loads

OP posts:
BestBeforeYesterday · 22/08/2019 19:43

I can't imagine not loving my OH if he gained a lot of weight. But I also can't imagine still finding him physically attractive and wanting to have sex with him! I don't find overweight men attractive. Weight gain makes a huge difference to someone's appearance - it's not like wrinkles, saggy skin or stretch marks. The normal signs of ageing make less of a difference than a big increase in weight imo.

EdWinchester · 22/08/2019 19:44

We are both shallow and have admitted we would find each other less physically attractive if we got fat.

TheCanyon · 22/08/2019 19:44

I'd be repulsed by my dh if he gained a lot of weight, especially through pure greed and laziness.

beccarocksbaby · 22/08/2019 19:44

Only if attraction is based solely on the physical 🤷🏻‍♀️

My husband has fluctuated in weight and so have I. He's gone from 180lbs to 220lbs and is now trying to lose it again.

I've gone from 220lbs to 300lbs and down to 160lbs and gaining (pregnant).

We are both tall.

We've not lost attraction for one another because whilst the physical is there and ever changing, we engage each other's minds a lot. We've had dry spells mind because being overweight sucks the life out of you sometimes.

AmateurSwami · 22/08/2019 19:44

@thecatsthecats I’m exactly the same!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2019 19:44

Is the issue OP that he wants to have sex but you don’t fancy him? Or just struggling with for you yourself feel about his excess weight and lack of self care?

Lebou · 22/08/2019 19:45

I’ve had very conventionally good looking, fit partners and also partners who are less so, and some who probably most people would say were not good looking at all and very overweight. When I was in love with them I found them very attractive regardless of their appearance, and when I fell out of love, I didn’t fancy them at all, including the one who looked like a model - I couldn’t bear him near me. So for me, it comes down to whether I’m in love with them or not. I can’t speak for anyone else.

AmateurSwami · 22/08/2019 19:46

@Farrowandbrawl I’ve just realised I completely by your head off and you didn’t deserve that so I apologise. I just find it so hard to adjust to being overweight that I was projecting onto you.

poolblack · 22/08/2019 19:46

Is it not that if you don’t fancy fat people... you just don’t fancy them

No. It's a case of loving the absolute bones of the person you are with. I'm rather fat, several stone overweight according to the NHS but my DH still fancies me. If anything I think love deepens and intensifies over time. If it doesn't you have to question what you had in the first place.

BlueCornsihPixie · 22/08/2019 19:47

With a life long partner you can't really expect that their body is going to remain physically attractive their whole life though

Right now my DP is 25 and stunning (I think anyway) but I know he's not going to be like this forever, he will age, he'll loose his hair, he might even get fat! He could get ill etc. His body is going to change a hell of a lot. I love him and am attracted to him for who he is not his body, I am with him because I find his sense of humour, his kindness etc. Attractive not because he's got a good bod

In the same token, I've already gained a fair amount of weight since we met, I'm currently covered in spots and I look like shite atm. I like to think my DP will be attracted to me no matter what, because he loves me. My body is going to change more and I really hope he doesn't go off me if I gain some weight or whatever

I think you are entitled to find someone attractive no matter what, however I think it sad for the person who's partner isn't attracted to them for who they are. And I think it's best your honest with your DH so he can find someone who does find him attractive for him.

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:48

AnneLovesGilbert

Both really.
I find it sexually unattractive as he’s so overweight. It’s uncomfortable as he’s overweight.
He very much finds me sexually attractive (I doubt he would if I was massively fat)
But it’s also just the laziness it represents. Because it is lazy and shows disregard of my feelings

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 22/08/2019 19:49

I can sort of see what you mean but if weight gain was due to a medical cause ( I know it almost certainly isn't) would you still not fancy him? Would you still fancy him if he needed a colonostomy
When you promised in sickness and in health did you just see that as something in the distant future what did that promise mean to you?

Could the reason behind the change in physical appearance change your response to it?

BlueCornsihPixie · 22/08/2019 19:49

Not that the things imn the post will necessarily make anyone less attractive

What I'm saying is through life we change, and you can't just be attracted to someone based on their looks and body

I personally think it's unreasonable to pretend you want to be with someone for life and then also not be attracted to them as a person. That's not fair on them

poolblack · 22/08/2019 19:49

Accident/illness out of ones control
Body changes due to pregnancy.. it’s part of having kids
Being vvvvvv overweight because you eat loads and no exercise... wish I found it a turn on!

So it would be ok if there were a reason?

In that case the love isn't enough. The reaps. The person no longer finds that last example attractive isn't just about the weight; they have negative feelings towards them anyway. I would suggest the sexual attraction is lost because something is breaking down in the relationship.