If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

[Farrowandbrawl]

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

My ex used my weight gain as a reason for his affair and continues to use it as a means by which to blame me for his behaviour. I get it - at least superficially - why it might impact on how you feel about someone but I am far more than just a dress size! Love should be more than the way you look. Have you tried discussing how you feel and being supportive?

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m not sure really, I think I would.

I think it’s quite a shallow basis for a life together. It would depend on degree of obesity and if they were so fat they were housebound and unable to walk or get in a bath then it would be an issue for me, if I’m honest.
If we’re talking a bit of a pot belly and going up a trouser size I’d think there were bigger issues in your relationship and you were showing a decided lack of commitment. Would you give up on them if they started limping later on, went grey or needed glasses? Are you perfect?
Have you had the conversation if they’ve suddenly put on a few stone rather than a few pounds?

Because it is lazy and shows disregard of my feelings

And that's it. The relationship is breaking down outside of the bedroom. If it wasn't you would still want to shag him anyway.

Erm.., your circs are slightly different

I can’t see how the circumstances have any bearing on your question, @Farrowandbrawl. An overweight person is an overweight person, irrespective of how they came to be so. So whether it’s because they can’t put the chocolates down or for the most heart rending of reasons shouldn’t make a difference to someone who is essentially turned off by excessive weight. Which, on the face of it, it would appear you are.

I must admit, I smell a faint whiff of reverse here...

I think that if my love for my partner depends on their weight then it was never real love.

Should I have stopped sleeping with my dp because he has a chronic illness and has physically changed?

I love him, the person he is inside. I am attracted to him, regardless of the changes.

TeacupDrama

It would change my opinion I think .
Because illness etc would be out of his control.
The situation as it is is his choice

I love my partner for his mind. I can’t fathom my attraction to him being so superficial as to be linked to weight.

Most people are not amazingly attractive, yet most people find others who are attracted to them.

I think it’s fair to say that most relationships don’t develop from an initial animal lust. It’s the person’s personality, humour, thoughts etc that render them attractive and by that nature you look at them and find them attractive.

Of the relationships that do develop from animal lust at the sheer sexiness of the partner, these will not last the mundanity of daily life unless an attraction is developed to the person’s soul.

I think the reason that most celeb relationships don’t last the distance is due in part to people getting together who are very sexy but mistaking the lust for love.

If your partner becomes so obese they cannot walk far, just stay at home or in the pub I think it’s fair to be less attracted to them if these were not traits they displayed before.

I am not naturally attracted to overweight men purely on sight, but my partner who I love very much is fairly overweight. It took time for me to fall in love with his personality and from that grew my attraction to wanting to sleep with him.
He’s fun, adventurous, funny, likes having fun, days out etc. If he grew so fat he could no longer enjoy a day out or didn’t want to do anything, I would find this very unattractive.......

In an ideal, fantasy world, my partner would look like Patrick Swazey in his younger days, but he doesn’t and I’m ok with that.

Admittedly both DH and I are definitively in the chubby category now, but we both love the pants off each other.

Ive found that I am quite blinkered to other men- I can appreciate if they are attractive (hello Ryan Reynolds!) but nothing could sway me from my husband. I am attracted to so much more than his body- for lack of a better word, I am deeply in love with his soul.

And his soul is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Butchyrestingface

It’s different because ptsd/ being attached are things with you don’t choose for yourself
Massively overweight with no medical issues purely down to lifestyle choice is a reflection of how much the other person means to you

Its not your fault if you find it unattractive, but I'd be telling my partner that we need to work in his health because I don't want to be a widow.

I love my partner for who he is so it would take a long time and a lot of weight for it to get to the point where I would leave him. But you can't help it if you don't find him sexually attractive.

If he is willing to work on it, even slowly, then that would be enough for me to stay. Though I wouldn't be having sex if I didn't want it - which would probably motivate him to lose the weight tbh

I got fat when I was pregnant( more than just baby, actual fat for two years after) husband def still fancied me. I've lost it now but I love him all the more for not judging me as I judged myself! That's not helpful, sorry. Just wanted to share

Purpleartichoke

You really cannot fathom why someone wouldnt want to shag someone that has a massive stomach.!?
Really?
Really?

Then again, who really knows? My DP has a medical condition and only ways 3kg more than me at 6 foot! And I'm a size 8 so he is rather thin. I don't mind that because he can't help it and he is still broad shouldered and sexy, he just has a weeny waist.

I’m a size 18 due to an eating disorder which I’ve constantly battled with. My DH is slim, muscular and sporty. He’s makes it clear he is very attracted to me and when I’ve asked him if he’s disgusted by my body he says of course not, he is attracted to me because I’m me, no matter my size.

My DH is the best.

No you’re not being unreasonable. It’s not just about appearances but also the disconnect between interests, lifestyles and philosophies

I agree with Pictish. Sitting watching someone stuffing themselves to the point they are endangering their health is awful.

Have you tried to find put why this is happening? Is he depressed, is work a bit shit,ohas some old problem resurfaced?

Is the increase in your food budget having an impact?

And yes... obviously when pregnant I had a big tummy . But that’s a temporary thing due to growing a child ....

I gained so much weight 2 years ago..... I felt so unattractive, out of breath.. Sweaty.. No energy...

Just not in a good way. Dp stuck by me and I'm fitter than ever after toning up and shedding 4st.

I can't believe I let myself go, dp looks after himself and I fancy the pants off him.

I think looking after yourself certainly helps towards remaining the spark. Not the be all but it helps.

Being overweight and becoming unhealthy not only effects the individual but it can effect family eating habits, what the dcs see as healthy.. Chasing after the kids can become difficult...

Its not shallow if your concerned for their health.

If you’re molested as a child you’re much more likely to be obese as an adult so shut up with your “Muh lifestyle choice!!!” Is your brain that small that you don’t realise these things are more complicated.

My partner is overweight, I’m not, he’s definitely better looking that me

Something is going on besides just eating and not exercising. Your attitude, which he knows no matter what you think, probably exacerbates the problem. There is something going on with him emotionally.

The issue for me would be health, not attraction.

I don't think it's shallow. I find myself less attractive and more self-consciousness because I need to lose some weight. My husband feels the same about himself too.

There have been times when he's had an amount of extra weight that meant I didn't like him on top of me because of the weight and I didn't like to get on top of him because of the weight. It didn't mean I love him and any less but it did impact on our sex life.

Weezol

It’s happening because he eats too much.
We have a great life
He gave a shit more before kids but I suspect he knows I don’t want to disrupt kids life’s so he doesn’t have to make any effort now

I'd probably find it hard yes