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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are overweight you shouldn’t expect partner to find you attractive

505 replies

Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 19:24

If you have become very overweight during course of your relationship ( no health issues) is it unreasonable for other partner to no longer be attracted?
Context . One partner very very overweight unfit . Other slim and fit .
Both work . Both do equal childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 20:03

Winterlife

Do you honestly think people cannot be fat through lifestyle?
Does there have to a problem?

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 22/08/2019 20:04

I think it is not unreasonable to find you DP unattractive after a big weight gain. Either way.

I met Dh at 13 stone, he went up to 20. Not good,

On a plus side he is now down to 16, still dont find him attractive but we are working on it, does that make me shallow?

MaxNormal · 22/08/2019 20:04

@Lebou I'm the exact same as you. If I'm in love with someone then how they are is attractive to me.

Ilikethisone · 22/08/2019 20:05

Why do people keep mentioning love?

People get married and 'love the bones of each other's and then one day realise they love the person but the attraction is gone.

It happens all the time. For men and women. The relationship has threads, almost daily about 'how to get attraction back' or 'love him but the spark has gone'

You can still love someone but not fancy them.

My dp like me the size I am 12/14. He isnt in to very slim women or very big women. Works well for me because this the weight I am settled at.

If i decided to go back to body building and get down to 17% body fat, like I used to be, he would fancy me. That's ok.

Sometimes the love is enough to keep you together. Sometimes it's not. So many people split because the spark has gone. The passion. But they still love eachother.

IABUQueen · 22/08/2019 20:05

I think it’s the self neglect/relationship neglect that you find unattractive. Can’t blame you.

But if it’s a visual thing then I think it’s shallow. Because I don’t see the difference between gaining weight through pregnancy or illness in this sense.. if it’s abiut the wobbly belly and so on, then it’s shallow.

If it’s about lifestyle ethic, then yanbu. But perhaps It’s an area u need to discuss

OhButMyDarling · 22/08/2019 20:06

I can honestly say that my partner (married 30 years) putting on weight has never made a jot of difference to how lovely he is to me.. I have put on a lot myself and if its bothered him he has never once said in 30 years. So yes, YABU.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/08/2019 20:08

Please don't compare being obese and being pregnant. Pregnancy does cause weight gain but it's a fairly unavoidable part of the condition...

CTRL · 22/08/2019 20:08

I dont necessarily agree but I do understand where your coming from.

I would find it shallow if my so to be partner stop fancying me because I had gained weight. I have to say I would understand it though as obviously if they fancied you when you looked a certain way and you then end up looking completely different yers later and it’s not typically the look his attracted to; it’s not his fault either. He just isn’t attracted to how I look...

Example if I met someone who looked after themselves - health wise and looks wise I married them and years later they ended up looking like a different person (unkempt and mabey twice the size they were before) and I just didn’t find the new look attractive - I don’t think I would be bad. Im just unfortunately not attracted to how they look now.

I definitely don’t believe marriage and long term partnerships should be based on looks. However I do think it’s important to at least try and take care of your appearance even when you have settled down and not get comfortable and complacent.

Jeffter · 22/08/2019 20:08

I think it's not so much the weight in and of itself that's the issue here, it's the reasons for it.

Life happens, people get old and wrinkly and saggy and put on two or three stone, no issue, still the same person.

But gaining several stone through idleness and greed would be an issue for most, even the nay sayers here I reckon. Its the attitude, the life outlook that's the problem isn't it? You want to live an active healthy lifestyle to some degree and your partner doesn't. It'd be an issue for me, I don't mind admitting. Medical issues (and I include poor mental health here as that has been the cause of my own weight problem) aside obviously. But there would need to be a willingness to make changes so that the lifestyle matched up more.

EdWinchester · 22/08/2019 20:08

It's not about love, it's about physical attraction.

If my dh became fat, I'd still love him, of course. But would I find him as physically attractive? No way.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 22/08/2019 20:10

It doesn’t really bother me my partner has put weight on but it bothers me a lot that I have - but not enough to try hard enough to lose it I guess. I’m getting the sense he doesn’t fancy me as much because of it but more because it represents a weaker version of me who sits and eats, miserably. More than the fat itself. And I get that. So OP’s husband is less attractive to her because of the weight but I also think because of what it represents. We all (well most of us) gain weight with age but it’s in the extra weight on top of that gentle rounding of a body which isn’t as attractive to me, on myself. Because I know I’ve let myself get this way. I hate it and this makes me project a less attractive version of myself

IABUQueen · 22/08/2019 20:12

Please don't compare being obese and being pregnant. Pregnancy does cause weight gain but it's a fairly unavoidable part of the condition...

I’m not but, visually it has the same end effect. So if this is based on someone being repelled by change in body shape, then a lot of us pregnant ladies (myself included) who had unavoidable changes to their body would feel insecure.

The idea here is that the looks of a person causes attraction or not and it’s not in the partners control whether they’re attracted or not. I don’t see how context matters in this argument.

So you are Saying you would stay with someone who gained it without having control but you will lose all attraction to them ?

IABUQueen · 22/08/2019 20:13

I somehow would’ve hoped that attraction merged with love over time

daisyboocantoo · 22/08/2019 20:13

Well, I put on a lot of weight with four back to back pregnancies and am struggling to find time to shift the weight. But I am trying and DH is very supportive (as much as he can be, we are both very bloody knackered).

That said, I can see your point, but more to the point that I wouldn't want to build a future with someone who disregards his health to a point where it would actually disrupt our future. If I was you, I would have to sit down and have a blunt discussion, but I wouldn't come at it from an 'I don't find you attractive' angle, more 'I'm worried about your health and we need to find a way to address this'.

SimonJT · 22/08/2019 20:13

You can’t help what you find attractive, I wouldn’t find my party sexually attractive if he was fat, I also wouldn’t if he had a body builder type body, or if he smelled.

But attraction and love are two different things.

IABUQueen · 22/08/2019 20:15

So are partners of pregnant ladies not attracted to them ?!!!!!

(Insecure pregnant lady here).

LaVieilleHarpie · 22/08/2019 20:15

He gets fat - I walk.

Sex and physical attraction is kind of a big deal for me in a relationship (it's the reason why I'm in a relationship ffs. If I wanted a sexless relationship I'd stay single and hang out with friends.)

Wouldn't find a fat person attractive in the slightest. Aging and wrinkles will happen to all of us (hopefully), and is beyond our control. Weight is most definitely within our control, and I fully expect my partner to take care of his body for as long as possible.

Teacakeandalatte · 22/08/2019 20:15

You can't help how you feel so it's not U but then the fat one shouldn't feel bad for preferring cake to being sexy for you either. They can't help how they feel any more than you can.

Mumtotwo82 · 22/08/2019 20:16

I would say if it were me and my partner put on loads of weight due to eating and drinking lots with little exercise. I would be worried for his health first and foremost before looks. If it's purely because he doesn't think it's a big deal or doesn't care it is selfish as you could be slowly killing yourself, you have kids.and people love you. So it is selfish.
But if it's because of mental health such as depression or a physical illness then I would do my best to support them but hope they would try get help or help themselves too. Think health should come first and I be worried for that.

Skittlenommer · 22/08/2019 20:16

I think if you’re in a relationship and especially true if married you have a responsibility to look good for your partner. There is no excuse for letting yourself go and if you do you can’t blame them if they no longer find themselves attracted to you!

EdWinchester · 22/08/2019 20:18

So are partners of pregnant ladies not attracted to them ?!!!!!

But you're not fat when pg! (Hopefully)

firstimemamma · 22/08/2019 20:20

I'm not overweight by any stretch but don't you care who you upset or offend with your thread title? Really insensitive.

DuckonaBike · 22/08/2019 20:20

Surely the important thing is whether the person has "let themself go" or is still making an effort to look good and stay healthy? If you can't be bothered to look after yourself, that's quite disrespectful to your partner.

IABUQueen · 22/08/2019 20:21

Wouldn't find a fat person attractive in the slightest. Aging and wrinkles will happen to all of us (hopefully), and is beyond our control. Weight is most definitely within our control, and I fully expect my partner to take care of his body for as long as possible.

So we settle for the fact that the attraction of our partner towards us diminishes with age ? We can’t control it so let’s accept it?

I think I’m naive, I thought my partner would still be attracted somehow

Original poster
Farrowandbrawl · 22/08/2019 20:23

firstimemamma

It’s AIBU

It’s a thread about being overweight not genocide

OP posts: