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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:

Wehttam · 23/08/2019 07:56

Whilst it is your choice I think you are being slightly overprotective. My neice will be 4 next year and she’s coming away with us, then again my sister can’t stand clingy children and my neice is very much an ‘independent woman toddler’ so she is always willing to let us have her haha.

queenMab99 · 23/08/2019 08:29

We took our grandchildren away for a week in our caravan, when they were 8 and 4, both parents were working over the summer half term, they were fine and we had a great week, but came home a day early as the 8 year old was a little homesick by the end of the week, and we had agreed if they were not happy we would come home.
Entirely irrelevant to this thread, but my husband, who had been having tests at hospital before we went, was obviously unwell soon after we got home, and died a few months later. I am so glad we had that holiday, as he loved his 'step grandchildren', he had not had children of his own, he said he had never wanted them, but grandchildren were a revelation to him and made him so happy!

PrimalLass · 23/08/2019 08:33

my sister can’t stand clingy children

Lucky she didn't get one then.

Neither of my children would have been happy with a week away from me at 4.

Blondebakingmumma · 23/08/2019 10:00

I think it’s a different case when 2 children are going away together. They have each other for a ‘home’ comfort

ElizaPancakes · 23/08/2019 10:15

It doesn’t matter if they brush away what you say, she’s your child and in the end it’s not going to happen if you don’t want it to.

I suggest you implement the ‘we’ll see’ technique (works well with kids too ) and when you get closer to the time then set down some rules.

Don’t sweat it now. There is literally no point.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 23/08/2019 11:13

Part of my reluctance is the fact that they've only had her overnight twice and suddenly want to jump to a week. Plus the obvious fact that they're trying to tell me what's happening

They're going away this weekend for 2 nights, there was nothing stopping them trying to take her to start building things up. But they came up with an excuse again when dh mentioned it last weekend.

They've popped in again (3rd time this week) on their way to the caravan and fil said to dd that shes going with them for a week next year, and before I got chance to say we'll see, dd shouted "no" at him 😂

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2019 11:17

I would honestly try not to worry about it. The smile and “we’ll see!” line is the best. Don’t let either you or them escalate it now. You all might have changed your minds by next year anyway! And if you haven’t- then the broken record “Thank you but not this year” is firm, clear and keeps your options open.

SeptemberSoon · 23/08/2019 11:27

I can understand you wanting to make it clear now. People like this can turn around and say silence means consent and even twist it to a narrative that you said yes.

Your instinct is completely natural for your child and I find it quite awful the way they are trying to take over your choices. Please always listen to your instinct.

Definitely don't let her go for a whole week. Poor little mite! 4 year olds need their Mum and especially in a strange place. It's one thing if you can't be there but quite another if you're well and functioning and have no reason to let her go like that.

Blondebakingmumma · 23/08/2019 11:41

I would be having strong words now that that they have told your dd that she is going. That would be red flag to a bull for me. I hope you questioned why they would considering you haven’t agreed

Twinklycandlelight · 23/08/2019 11:43

My friends parents took her 4 year old abroad, booked without asking her, and when she complained, said they’d booked it.
She was kind of forced into accepting it, but wasn’t happy.
I’d have refused point blank.

Nobody looks after, or cares about your child, as much as you do, no even grandparents

Twinklycandlelight · 23/08/2019 11:44

not

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2019 12:05

The thing with closing it down completely is that next year she might love to go. My pils asked if dd wanted to go away with them every year and she said no. Then when she was 7 she said yes and had a lovely time.

Don’t let them be pushy. But there’s nothing wrong with her knowing there’s the option- so long as she knows she can say no.

Gobbolinocat · 23/08/2019 12:06

Twinkly that's dreadful, so what if they had booked it! Tough.

Op it's just awful being pressured like this. Very amusing that your dd shouted no. Dc don't like these overbearing creatures either.

We should all have free will and decide what we want. And the constant pressure is annoying.

Weezol · 23/08/2019 12:09

Good work DD!

So they won't do two nights but think a week is ok?

Still a No from me.

Gobbolinocat · 23/08/2019 12:13

Ah great insight there Bertrand. Out of interest they asked once every year or they asked constantly, sometimes like op three times and in one week for a week visit once a year?

Like op said... Did they ask you, or did they just tell you?
Did they undermine you and put emotional pressure on you or try and manipulate your dc into saying yes on a constant basis... Or were they reasonable, rational laid back people who were fine being told no and left it at that?

NellieEllie · 23/08/2019 12:14

She is your DD, not theirs. It is unacceptable for them to announce they are taking her for a week. That’s irrespective of whether it’s reasonable for her to go away with them for a week. Tackle that first. “I was really taken aback by you telling me you are taking my daughter for a week. It’s unacceptable. If you want to take her on a trip you must ask, and I will think about it.”
As to whether she should go. Well, to make the point, I’d probably say no this time, because you need to stamp on their interfering behaviour now, and I’d be unhappy about someone looking after my child who has undermined my parenting. Generally a week away with grandparents at 4 would depend on the child’s relationship with them, how close and trusting. But it’s totally your call, and quite reasonable for you to say no, that’s too long. A weekend maybe.
You don’t mention the father? What’s his take on this? If he is around, he should be the one telling his parents to back off.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2019 12:17

“Ah great insight there Bertrand. Out of interest they asked once every year or they asked constantly, sometimes like op three times and in one week for a week visit once a year?”

Did you see the bit where I said don’t let them be pushy? Obviously not.

blackcat86 · 23/08/2019 12:19

Great then DD has made her decision backed up by you. Perhaps if they made an effort with her to build her trust in overnights she would be excited and happy to go. My PIL are often more interested in the idea of DD than the reality. They constantly go on about her sleeping until 8am but equally talk about having relatives babies from 6 weeks but not DD - she's 1, we consider 6:30am with no wakes a lay in and the more they go on the less I trust them. They aren't considering the needs of the child, just their own weird GO fantasy.

Gobbolinocat · 23/08/2019 12:36

No, I did see that Bertrand but I'm asking you a question, my goodness you ask enough on here .

Were your in laws pushy. Do you know what it feels like for a mum to be under that stress?

Your in laws asked, did they ask or 'tell' you, your dd was going? Did they come by three times in one week to 'tell' you?
Were they reasonable people, or very pushy un reasonable people?

It's just I'm interested because... Causally saying... Don't let them be pushy... Rolls so easily off the tongue of someone who doesn't actually know what it feels like to be bullied by pushy in laws.

I'm interested to know more the context of your own kindly shared... Dd staying with in laws situation?

needsahouseboy · 23/08/2019 12:38

I'd have not had a problem with this if they asked but to state it and then dismiss your feelings is wrong.

Choufleur · 23/08/2019 12:41

What about your DD? Would she be happy going? DS at 4 would have been ecstatic about going away with my mum but not ILs.

ultimately though it's your decision not theirs

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2019 12:51

Yes, they did mention it- can’t remember how often. No, not in a particularly pushy way - but it was certainly something they very much wanted to happen. And they asked me/dd a couple of times every summer. I just kept saying “Sorry, she’s not ready yet”. Until she was.

And I know it’s easy to say “don’t let them be pushy”. But if they are pushy the only way to deal with it is to rise above it and broken record it. Otherwise it will escalate and get messy and grim and if you do want a relationship then you’re screwed. Obviously if you don’t want a relationship then all bets are off! And if they keep harping on about it to the child then they need to stop that. But it sounds as if her reaction will have done that.
All i’m saying is don’t burn boats or bridges unless you want them burnt. Everyone will be different people in a years time. Or two years. It’s usually a mistake to be categorical so far in advance.

Gobbolinocat · 23/08/2019 12:59

So they were reasonable people who didn't actually make you feel uncomfortable or put you under emotional pressure, enough to start a thread about it. They didn't come round to tell you, three times in one week and put you in an agonising position because, whilst one wouldn't want to be rude or burn bridges, when people don't 'ask' it's them who are actually causing the issue.

Unless you have been put under the same kind of pressure and have felt that... Which there is no way you would forget, I don't understand how you feel qualified to comment on on this 'specific' issue? Which you do on every single Mil, pil thread?

I do feel you think its OK for a mother to be bullied, have her mental health put at risk because she gave birth to a baby. Perhaps women are just vaginas pumping out babies to you, and they loose their rights as humans to live free, happy lives?

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2019 13:09

“I do feel you think its OK for a mother to be bullied, have her mental health put at risk because she gave birth to a baby. Perhaps women are just vaginas pumping out babies to you, and they loose their rights as humans to live free, happy lives?”

No of course I don’t. But the OP of this thread has not said she felt bullied or that her mental health was at risk! She was talking about how to manage this particular situation. And I talked about how I managed a similar one.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2019 13:16

And I talked about keeping options open because the OP perfectly understandably can’t imagine being parted from her dd at the moment- but it’s very easy to forget how quickly they grow and change and you have to be ready for that.

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