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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:
mogtheexcellent · 21/08/2019 21:26

Christ no. Im in the same boat except DD has never spent the night with them. I refused after they announced they were going to start having her for sleepovers at thage of 3 (please note they didnt ask). We live less than 10 mins away and we all drive so I didnt see the need to screw up her sleeping.

DD is now 5 and still hasnt been away with them and is not likely to for a long time. I think they now respect they don't have as much time with her as they do with their other GCs but we have childcare sorted and we like spending our free time with her.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 21:28

Dh leaves for work at 2pm and doesn't get back until 11.30pm

So, dd and myself are really close (not saying that people not in this situation aren't close to their children so I really hope it doesn't come across that way) as it's just me and her from that time 5 days a week and I just don't think she would cope being away from me for so long and I know I wouldn't like it

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 21/08/2019 21:28

Er, who is the parent? You are the mum, they ask you not tell you

kitk · 21/08/2019 21:28

She would be ok and so would you, I had to let DD go away with her dad for 2 weeks aged 3, but it is your choice! You would be ok but you don't have to be if you've decided you/ she aren't ready. Stick to your guns, but maybe pretend to give it consideration to keep the peace?

isadoradancing123 · 21/08/2019 21:29

YANBU

Waveysnail · 21/08/2019 21:35

Compromise then on 3/4 nights

clucky3 · 21/08/2019 21:50

My kids are 7 and 9 and I still haven't sent them to in-laws for the week that FIL keeps talking about... ever since the eldest was about 3 he has been telling the kids that they will come to stay with PIL for a week during the holidays to give mum and dad a break. No way am I sending my kids away for a week.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 21:52

@Waveysnail I did offer 3 nights as a compromise as I think that would be doable for both myself and more importantly dd. But that wasn't good enough for them

OP posts:
ASundayWellSpent · 21/08/2019 21:56

I'm not overly protective of my DDs but DD1 (5) has only ever been away from us for 24h when her sister was being born. She goes to grannies for sleepovers but we drop her off at tea time and pick her up the following morning, and that feels weird enough! DD2 (2) has never slept away from home, so I definitely think YANBU

Starlight456 · 21/08/2019 21:57

My Ds has just been away for a week aged 12.
With scouts . I felt he was old enough and something he would benefit from . However I found it a really long week without him dispite the fact I was working.

At 4 no way ever ... stick to your guns .

Get your dh to say no and he can be clear

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/08/2019 21:59

It doesn't matter what's good enough for them OP, it matters what's right for your daughter. Parents get to decide that not grandparents.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:00

I’m in the midst of this at the moment.
My exILs (who I actually get on with very well) asked to take my 4yo DS away for a few days, I said yes and assumed it would be 3 nights as it was the last few times they’ve taken him away... I dropped him off on Friday and thought he’d be back no later than Monday. It’s now Wednesday night and he’s still gone.
I rang them on Monday to ask what time he’d be back and they replied “what do you mean? We’re here until Saturday?”

8 nights?!! 8 fucking nights?!

I said I hadn’t agreed until that and started going mental... let alone the fact that I’d only packed about 5-6 outfits (extras just in case he got messy or the weather changed).

I’m so upset I’ve cried for the last 2 nights. I won’t ever be trusting them again.

They are playing innocent and pretending they thought I’d agreed to it. Who on earth would agree to their 4yo being gone for the best part of 9 days?!!!

Derbee · 21/08/2019 22:01

It’s up to you, not them. However, I wouldn’t make an issue of it - it’s a year away and a lot can change over a year.

HappyParent2000 · 21/08/2019 22:02

I’m taking mine away on my own for 5 nights while my wife stays home to work and go to an appointment.

I can’t wait, I take him away at least twice a year on my own for a weekend and a week. Last time we had a blast even though he had just turned 3.

4 now so will be even more fun!

HappyPunky · 21/08/2019 22:06

I'd say no. You're not comfortable so the answer is no.

It also doesn't sit well that they have an issue with her clothes. Do they just have a son or sons and want a girl that they can dress up? Tops and leggings are what she should be wearing to run around to play in.

clucky3 · 21/08/2019 22:07

@IfYouWannaComeBack that's awful, I can't believe they did that to you. How is your DS?

VBT2 · 21/08/2019 22:07

For me, a week is fine. Even if you’ll both feel anxious at the time, it’s an opportunity for both of you to try it out and benefit in the long term. And great she has such hands on grandparents.

What would bother me is PIL laying the law down. Er, no, PIL, not your decision, I’m afraid. On that basis alone, I would respond with “here are my terms, ie the only ones that matter.”

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:10

@HappyParent2000 taking your children or grandchildren as I think the two are totally different situations

@HappyPunky they just had dh and bil, they always wanted a girl to dress up. They bought her a hideous tartan dress last year and I used to try and put dd in it as often as possible when we saw them, but dd just wasn't comfortable. She just wanted to be in her usual clothes

OP posts:
Benefitofthedoubt · 21/08/2019 22:10

Your choice. Tell them they’ve had their turn at being parents.

I was told by FIL that DS was going to go to a football match with him when he was walking. A ground where it’s notoriously bad for trouble. I said no. He told me I had no say.

A few weeks later he was beaten up outside said ground, wallet stolen, left in the street.

Football trip with DS never did happen...

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:11

@IfYouWannaComeBack that's awful that they've done that to you. Is there anyway you can get to where they are to collect him?

OP posts:
Weezol · 21/08/2019 22:11

YANBU. Maybe you need to take a small step back from them for a while

And as for them 'telling' you - WTAF? I would not be happy about that.

QueenOfPain · 21/08/2019 22:14

Your choice, but fwiw I adored my holidays to the seaside with my grandparents when I was little. Some of my fondest childhood memories.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:16

@pinklemonade84 @clucky3 I can’t collect him because I’m not entirely sure where he is. Obviously I know which town but they’re staying with exPIL’s friends.
I spoke to my DS on FaceTime on Monday but they haven’t let me speak to him since I lost the plot at them. I ring or text asking how he is or if I can speak to him and I’m just getting texts back.

They’re really silly because I used to let them see him as much as they want and they’d be my “go to” childcare. Not anymore. They can fuck off and only see him on ExH’s time now.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:17

Worst part is I’ve got a distraught 9yo DD who’s pining for her little brother. She’s so upset, they’ve never been separated more than 3 nights either.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:20

@IfYouWannaComeBack they've ruined it for themselves then haven't they

I'm so sorry your dd is so upset. So selfish of them to have done this to you all

OP posts: