Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:
JollyHolly30 · 22/08/2019 04:39

@IfYouWannaComeBack Please let us know what happens, and when you get your little one back. I feel awful for you.

wibbletooth · 22/08/2019 05:37

@Knitclubchatter are you the ex-MIL in this situation by any chance?!

How on earth can you think that it is reasonable for somebody else to dictate that they will be taking your child away for? It wouldn’t matter if it was for an hour, a week or a year - only the child’s arenas get to say how long their child stays away with anyone.

If the PILs had offered to take their gc away then that is fine. That is a nice thing - the sensible and polite thing. But then the child’s parent has the right to say a blanket no thank you or yes please, or to say 3 days would be fine or whatever. Then the pil can say ok lovely or but we want to fly on a week’s holiday so that doesn’t work so again the parents get to say yes or now - as they feel appropriate for them and their child.

As other pp have demonstrated its alsocompletely wrong to change the time while the child is with you for an agreed few days. Saying just a day or two or three or more is wrong - because they could always say oh just another day won’t matter and extend it for a long time which would be so wrong for the child and the parent.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what the pil think it is not theirs to dictate.

Op if they do persist in saying a week, and then agree to 3 days, make sure you drop her off with only 3 days left, so they can’t extend it to a week.

And if they say but she’s 4 reply Exactly. She’s only 4 and that is definitely not ready for it.

Do you know what they did when their own dc were little - were they dictated to by ILs so feeling entitled to now as that’s what they did or was there no way they would let pil take them?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/08/2019 06:24

To the (minority of) posters saying a 4 yr old can cope with a week away with grandparents - that's not really the point. The point is that the grandparents are wilfully overruling OP's parenting decisions.

OP I would be distancing myself from them purely due to their lack of respect for you as the mother. You know what's best for your daughter - not them. You need to be more assertive - if, as you say, they start reminding you of this proposed trip, just say; "I am the parent here, not you, my decision currently is that DD is too young to go away without me for a week, I'll let you know when that changes."

Finally, I am also curious as to why they are so insistent that they must have your DD all to themselves. Why can't you ALL go away together - that would be the reasonable solution.

stayathomer · 22/08/2019 06:35

your actually being pathetic. a week is nothing and the child is 4 years not months.
Is a 4 year old code word for teenager? A 4 year old is a preschooler. I've had nieces here for two or three days and get homesick. A week is a huge amount of time for a little person. I'd agree with the people saying to tell them either shorter or you're coming along.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 22/08/2019 06:38

Just a quick update from me (sorry OP, again I didn’t mean to take over the thread).
I’ve spoken to my Ex (DS’s dad) he’s in agreement with me that they’re being way out of line, he didn’t know I hadn’t agreed to that length of time. He said he’ll speak to his mum and tell her he has to come home today, he sounded pretty angry too.

He also spoke to DS before he went to bed last night and said he’s fine but I winder if he’s been upset and missing me which breaks my heart. I miss him so much it hurts.

Mummadeeze · 22/08/2019 06:38

My DD never went away over night until her first school trip ages 9. You are not being unreasonable.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 22/08/2019 06:38

wonder*

lifecouldbeadream · 22/08/2019 06:46

At 4 my DC1 HAD to spend 4 days with my DP, that was too long for DC1 (and to be fair for DP too). There was no real avoiding it, but it was hard on everyone.

DC2 is 10 and just spent 8 days away-managed it ok, but missed us dreadfully.

BlueSkiesLies · 22/08/2019 06:47

My mum and dad have my siblings children for a week at their house every summer (different city 3h drive away). Start taking them for that long when they get to be about 3 or 4.

It’s nice for my sibling to have a week covered in the school holidays, and it’s nice for my mum and dad to get to do their own thing with their GCs, and it’s nice for the GCs to get to do things at granny and grandads house they only do there. They have their own special routine now. It’s reallt nice.

BlueSkiesLies · 22/08/2019 06:48

But that obviously only works if you have a close relationship and build up the time away gradually.

notapizzaeater · 22/08/2019 06:57

Hope Ex ILS bring him back.

OP, just keep reminding them it's a privilege to take them away not a right !

Userzzzzz · 22/08/2019 07:02

I’d be pissed off at the unilateral ‘telling me’ aspect rather than discussing it.

I imagine when mine is school age (so 4) she might do a half term at her grand parents. I think she’d have a blast and enjoy it more than a week or holiday clubs. She’s done 2 nights but I don’t think I’d want to go from 2 to a full week at that age as they are still so little. 3-4 seems like a good number to try if you think he’d enjoy it.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 07:06

I just want to make it clear that I'm not saying no full stop. I don't mind 3 nights. But like I've said, I'm not being dictated to by them

I don't think dd would cope with being away from me for so long. When we went on our little road trip (3 nights), by the third night she wanted her Daddy and he's not even her main care giver. So imagine 7 nights away from me, not happening

If I did agree to a few days and they did dare to keep her up there longer than agreed, I can easily drive up there to get her back as I know where the caravan is

I'm tired of them thinking they get to make comments or have any say with what I do with dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 07:08

@wibbletooth as far as I'm aware, they didn't let dh and bil go away with the in laws until bil was 8

OP posts:
Troels · 22/08/2019 07:58

They are overstepping here aren't they. You shouldn't have to negotiate with them about how long or if your child goes with them. It should be yours and Dh's decision. If you say no, thats the end of it, not the opening of lets make a deal.

MintyCedric · 22/08/2019 08:37

Yanbu at all, it's completely your choice.

Fwiw my 15yo hasn't spent more than 2 nights without me!

wibbletooth · 22/08/2019 08:43

@pinklemonade84 that’s definitely worth reminding them of in that case - ‘maybe I should follow your example PIL and let my child start to go away at the same age as you let your dc go away with their in laws - what’s that you say? At 8 years? That sounds perfect and things are supposed to be scarier and more worrying now so parents are supposed to be stricter for the good of the children - so I think that we should start thinking about it when dc is 10. Perfect. All agreed - if dd wants to of course’. And then watch their faces!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 09:02

Dh made a good point just now too

We've occasionally suggested that they take her for 2 nights when they go at a weekend, but there's always been an excuse as to why they can't. So why do they think they can suddenly jump to a full week baffles him?

He's in full agreement that they're not dictating to us how long they'll take dd and he's happy to back me up on this

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/08/2019 09:09

@IfYouWannaComeBack I’m so happy your ex is on board with you on this issue. I hope your little one is back today.

lyralalala · 22/08/2019 09:28

I’m glad your husband is backing you on it.

My kids go away a lot with GP’s. My two girls started going away for a week then two weeks with their GPs at 4/5 however that was tailored round them. DD1 didn’t go for 2 weeks until she was much older than DD2 because that worked for her. That’s the key, they knew the kids so their offer/request was always acceptable. And they always asked.

No one would be telling me that they were taking my child away for a week. Cheeky fuckers. Even this year my ex’s parents asked if they could take my girls even though the girls are 16, it’s a holiday tied in with family wedding and they absolutely knew it would be fine! They still asked before booking.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2019 16:27

@pinklemonade84 Sounds as if you and DH are a united team, as it should be. I'd still just brush off the idea as 'too soon to talk about'.

@IfYouWannaComeBack Glad your ex is onside and hoping that DS is home soon. Your ex-iLs have shot themselves in the foot, big time.

justbeingadad · 22/08/2019 16:36

A couple of things.

  1. I'd suggest this is your DH's responsibility to deal with. His parents, his problem. Just make sure you and your DH are in agreement!
  1. I'd say the majority of people I know would not have an issue with their child going away for a week and your reaction about "missing them" maybe doesn't seem too logical to most - of course, you'll miss them but that's not a reason to say no. Saying you don't want them to spend "quality" time with their grandparents is essentially selfish (see below before you judge me on that though!)

Reading between the lines, it sounds more like you don't want your child to spend a week with them, and given their past interjection to your parenting, I don't blame you - the missing thing is just a "convenient" excuse. Which goes back to #1 - your DH's place to sort this!

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2019 16:38

“Wait and see nearer the time”

And repeat.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 17:05

@justbeingadad it's normally me that has the most to do with them as dh is normally at work

I do see what you're saying that missing her is a "convenient" excuse. But it's the truth, and she would miss me. And to be honest I don't trust them to fetch her back if she did get upset if she was to go for a week. Which she probably would. As, like I've said before, she gets upset with her own dad doing her bedtime routine too often

They've just popped in on their way back from town and brought it up again. I've just said we'll see how she is closer to the time

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 22/08/2019 17:12

3 nights is a good compromise. My parents have taken my nieces away for 3 nights twice a year from a similar age. The girls love it. When they were little though 3 nights was long enough for everyone.