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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:
FuckFacePlatapus · 21/08/2019 23:36

Yavu, this is all about you not your DD. Its a holiday with her GP's, not a one way ticket to hell.

Bookworm4 · 21/08/2019 23:43

If you feel it’s too long say no but for PP whose kids have never been away from you it’s really not healthy, these are the kids who are hysterical on their first activity school trip with daft mothers demanding nightly phone calls. An overnight with granny is good fun, do none of you have a social life or are you all tee total and collect the kids at 10pm?
Raising clingy kids will bite you on the arse but again there are mums who live the ‘look how much he/she loves me’

FuckFacePlatapus · 21/08/2019 23:46

A compromise could be you go with your DD on holiday, lovely break for you all?

FuckFacePlatapus · 21/08/2019 23:50

@IfYouWannaComeBack is your ex on holiday with them? If he is and he has PR the Police will not get involved, however if its just the GP then the Police can force them to return.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 23:50

@FuckFacePlatapus they've made it clear that they expect to take her on their own, so I don't think I would be welcome to be honest

I think I'm being fair in even offering them a compromise of a few nights and I certainly won't be dictated to by them

OP posts:
indisposed38 · 21/08/2019 23:54

Nah I wouldn't have been happy about that. Do they think your dd is their child cos they are acting like they do? I appreciate your offer however.....Thank you.

FuckFacePlatapus · 21/08/2019 23:58

I think 3 days is definitely a compromise, might be good for her independence in preparation for starting school. I would suggest to them she is only going if you are with her.

Tonnerre · 22/08/2019 00:08

when I object and say it's too long, they brush my objections away as if they don't even matter

The point is that it is their wishes that don't matter here, because they can't get what they want without your agreement. Keep that firmly in mind.

Knitclubchatter · 22/08/2019 00:18

your actually being pathetic. a week is nothing and the child is 4 years not months.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 00:22

@Knitclubchatter bearing in mind that they've only had her overnight twice before now, that they suddenly expect me to jump to their demands is pathetic

I'd be happy to compromise, but I'm not being dictated to by them

OP posts:
Knitclubchatter · 22/08/2019 00:25

not like they have never had children and don't know what a child needs.

HaileySherman · 22/08/2019 00:29

Yanbu. Some people are ok with that stuff but plenty are not. I wouldn't be ok with it. One night is a break, at that age a week would likely be miserable for you and her. And either qay they have no business making directives regarding your child.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 00:31

@Knitclubchatter I think if I'd flat out said no to them taking her then I'd be more inclined to think I was being a bit ott about this. But if they're not willing to accept a compromise that I think dd and myself will be more comfortable with, why should I bow down and give in to them?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2019 00:38

@pinklemonade84 At this point I think I'd just raise an eyebrow and say "Well, that's a year away. DH and I will discuss your request closer to next summer". Put a BIG emphasis on the word 'request'.

@IfYouWannaComeBack That's just horrible! Have you spoken to the children's father or is that a hopeless cause? If you know what town they're in I'd call that town's police, explain the situation, and give them your parent's phone numbers AND their friend's names. They're not going to ignore the local station calling, not when an officer could be at the door in a trice!

EverTheConundrum · 22/08/2019 00:50

@AcrossthePond55 @IfYouWannaComeBack No don't call that town's local Police - you must call your OWN local Police. Who will then instruct that town's Police to act on their behalf. Sounds odd but that is how it works. Trust me

3luckystars · 22/08/2019 00:50

No way.
Just say you are coming too and don't be bullied.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2019 01:04

@EverTheConundrum

Thanks for the info. I'm in the US. Where I live you're normally referred to the jurisdiction where the incident happened/is happening.

Knitclubchatter · 22/08/2019 01:14

OP your using your insecurities and making excuses for your little one who probably would have a blast with the grandparents for 7 days.
i'm sure it could be a great learning experience at this age.

Toneitdown · 22/08/2019 01:31

I don't think it's inherently bad for a 4yr old to go away with just grandparents for a week. I'm sure that some people would be ok with that. But the point here is that it is YOUR CHOICE. You and DH get to decide what is and isn't ok, not the in-laws. Their opinion is totally irrelevant. And it's not even as if they asked/suggested it - they have demanded it. That's a really bad sign.

They sound very overbearing and tbh I'd stop asking them for lifts and favours. Make them less involved in things and then when they say stupid things like "we will be taking her away for a week" or "she looks ridiculous in those clothes" you can smile and say "mmm, sure. Whatever" and continue doing as you were. Don't pander to them and don't let them get inside your head.

1forAll74 · 22/08/2019 02:58

You have to be your own person,and make your own decisions about your daughter.And I would be saying no, to them taking your daughter away for a week, especially as they seem to be making all their own rules about you and your young daughter.. Best to stop them dictating things right now,or else they will always carry on being the same..

choli · 22/08/2019 03:11

OP let it go. By this time next year you may be very happy to let them have her for a week.

Such drama...

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 22/08/2019 03:25

Don't pander to them and don't let them get inside your head.

Excellent advice.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/08/2019 03:43

I wouldn’t be comfortable with a week either. I think your being generous offering 3 nights, especially if your dd has only had 2 overnight stays with them in 3 years. They have no respect for dd’s feelings.

“I understand you would like to take dd on a trip for a week and I really appreciate you wanting to spend time with her. At this stage she isn’t ready to go away for that long. She can handle 3 nights or you can wait a few more years until she will be able to manage a week.”

StoppinBy · 22/08/2019 03:49

It would be a big fat no from me too.

TimeForNewStart · 22/08/2019 03:56

They sound awful!