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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:
IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:49

They have really shot themselves in the foot with this stunt as I'm sure you won't be keen to allow them unsupervised time with him again
Yup. Exactly. I would rather cancel plans and appointments than let them have him again on my time.
I can’t leave him with people I no longer trust

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:50

@Glitterfisher to be fair, I did say that I wasn't implying that people who weren't in the same situation as myself weren't close to their children. And certainly wouldn't think that someone who was comfortable with this happening, wasn't close to their children either. I'm not really sure where you've got that impression from to be honest

OP posts:
Proseccoinamug · 21/08/2019 22:50

My dd is 4 and she wouldn’t be happy to go overnight with grandparents, therefore she wouldn’t be going. My 12 year old hasn’t spent a full week away. Just say no. The PIL sound horrible anyway.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:50

@Glitterfisher I’ve been so upset since Monday that I’ve made myself physically ill. No exaggeration, I’ve got a sore throat, a stye on my eye and I’m broken out in spots all from the stress of it.
I can’t wait to have my baby home

MollysMummy2010 · 21/08/2019 22:58

I had to drop my 9 month old at my dads for a week when I had to go back to work and was so grateful he would do it. He is taking her next week for the first time since then again next week and I am still grateful but she is now 9 you don’t get told what to do.

Glitterfisher · 21/08/2019 23:00

@pinklemonade84 I think it was because you felt you had to mention it so that suggested to me that you do really think that, I am sorry if I am totally wrong, I have obviously got the wrong impression. As I said I totally agree with you, I really think they have been totally out of order.

@ifyouwannacomeback I can totally get that, I have been like that over much smaller issues so not surprised you have become physically unwell. I bet you can't wait, I really hope he's back with no further stress.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 23:05

@Glitterfisher that's ok

It was more to explain that my situation is different to that of someone who's partner works 9-5, so I'm always there for meal times, bath times and settling her at bed time in the evening.

Dh likes to do them on his days off and on the 2nd day dd is wanting to get back to her usual routine, so sometimes gets upset, and that's in our own home. I think she'd be worse at the in laws caravan

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/08/2019 23:07

Honestly, if they can say no to you offering 3 nights, then you can definitely continue saying no to a week. Why does their no hold more weight than yours?

EverTheConundrum · 21/08/2019 23:13

Whoaaaa @IfYouWannaComeBack call the bloody Police!!!!!

Cherrysoup · 21/08/2019 23:13

@IfYouWannaComeBack

You phone them and tell them to bring him back, they know fine well that was not the agreement and you NEVER let them take him again. They are disgraceful. You do not have to let them do this. Threaten the police if they are reluctant. Do you have the address of where they are? You can call the police to say you are worried [call for welfare] and say you want your child returned to you NOW.

OP, this is YOUR child. You say no if you’re not happy and you explain nice and clearly that no, your child will not be away for that long, it will never happen and they cannot dictate to you. You’re the parent, not them. Be strong.

Glitterfisher · 21/08/2019 23:13

Regardless of whether she would actually be ok or not it's completely irrelevant if you don't want her to go IMO. I have a couple of things I don't like my DCs to do that other people find ridiculous but it's my decision and that's that.

My mum and dad used to come and do bath time at least twice a week when the DCs were little and they stayed overnight at theirs once a month probably from a few months old. It was easy to let the DCs stay with them longer as they were used to them but I certainly wouldn't have let them do that with just anyone.

I clicked on the poll to say YANBU and I am actually shocked that anyone has said YABU, I just don't see how this is something anyone can think YABU over, I understand that it's not what everyone would do but it's certainly not a right for GPs to have GCs for a week at a time surely.

Serin · 21/08/2019 23:14

They are really showing just how little respect they have for you OP.
Stand up for yourself now. Just tell them firmly that you wont be dictated to and that your DD will not be going away with them.

AngelsOnHigh · 21/08/2019 23:14

It's a year away. By then DD will be 4 and might choose to go with the in laws.

I know it's a cultural thing but in my public health work place, grandparents quite often take their DGC to the other side of the world for 3 months at a time.

The DC invariably return home full of excitement and amazement from the experience. These DC are usually 4 and 5 years old.

Having said that, when my DC were that age, there was no way in the world that my DS would go anywhere with anyone but my DD would go with anyone at the drop of a hat.

I would wait until the time comes and leave it up to DD. At 4 they are old enough to choose if they want to stay with mum or go with DGPs for a week.

EverTheConundrum · 21/08/2019 23:18

@IfYouWannaComeBack May I pm you please?

Smelborp · 21/08/2019 23:22

No way would I agree to this. They sound way too involved with their opinions already.

ClassicQuine · 21/08/2019 23:23

@Ifyouwannacomeback I think this is one of the worst things I have heard on MN.

Agreed.

Your child has been kidnapped, why haven't you called 101 already and asked them to retrieve your child? This is total madness, kick arse and make sure they never have the opportunity to do this again!

@Glitterfisher no reasons needed, your kid your rules. Practise saying No. ime controlling relatives like that get fed up of playing dress up as soon as the child is old enough to have an opinion anyway.

SimonJT · 21/08/2019 23:23

My son is four stays over night with my cousin on a fairly regular basis, this weekend he is staying Friday and Saturday night. He absolutely loves it and sometimes cries at pick up, while she would love to have him for a week, and a week off from being a Dad would be amazing, I wouldn’t do it as it would be too long for him to be away from me.

ClassicQuine · 21/08/2019 23:24

Sorry @Glitterfisher that was to OP!

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/08/2019 23:24

YANBU!

Since my eldest son was 2.5 years old I have at times been away from him for a week, sometimes two weeks, but I have been okay with that because he was with my DH. There’s no way I would have let another family member have taken him away for that long though.

However, he is five years old now now and I’m trying to imagine how I would feel if any of the grandparents wanted to take him away for a week....and to be honest I would probably let him go without too much worry.

I clicked on YANBU because you are well within your rights to not feel comfortable with them taking your daughter away for a week. You will have your reasons for not wanting this and they are no doubt completely valid.

Your child = your choice.
It is not theirs.

Glitterfisher · 21/08/2019 23:26

@ClassicQuine Grin I was a bit confused

zzzzzzzz12345 · 21/08/2019 23:28

Your call! If you aren’t comfortable, it’s a no.

Butterymuffin · 21/08/2019 23:28

@IfYouWannaComeBack another one saying report them to the police. They are way out of line and not putting your DS first.

Durgasarrow · 21/08/2019 23:29

If I were a little four year old child, I would miss my mother!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 21/08/2019 23:30

Your child, your choice. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

EverTheConundrum · 21/08/2019 23:31

@IfYouWannaComeBack PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call 101 NOW.

They're not bringing him back until Saturday, they've already said that (even though I'm concerned that they may not return him at all) and they do not have your permission. Don't feel guilty. Look what it's doing to you.... Your son could be going through the same. The longer you leave it, the more the Police are going to question why you didn't contact them earlier.

Also, it may take Police a day or two to find him. Please call them now. ThanksGin

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