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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:
Gobbolinocat · 22/08/2019 17:14

If you wanna come back

I am profoundly shocked. I would have driven to the town and said I'm here meet at blah now or I call police. Rude, nasty, disrespectful, Vile and what about a 4 year old being held not allows to speak to his mother. Shock

justbeingadad · 22/08/2019 17:17

@pinklemonade84

It's a complicated topic (beyond your immediate issue - which for the record I think YANBU).

Children will (if you have a good relationship with them) miss their parents when they don't see them. This is a positive emotion.

Introducing this emotion earlier in life is (in my opinion) crucial to their success and maturity later in life.

What happens when the child is in year 6 at school and they go away for a week on the school trip. This is the first time (or its a rare event) they've ever been away from their parents for so long and are an emotional wreck - or worse still, they don't know how to behave without the presence of a parent there - it's not a healthy environment for a 10/11yo to be experiencing this emotion for the first time (I saw this first hand on my year 6 trip and the parents had to come and collect the child 250 miles away and he was significantly "bullied" back in school as a result).

As I said, YANBU in this instance as it seems your PIL don't respect parental boundaries (although I think that's pretty common), but I'd stop using the "missing / upset" argument as it is arguably not all that logical

Gobbolinocat · 22/08/2019 17:24

If you wanna come back I'm thinking call non emergency police number anyway.

Get it logged in case you need to refences this at later date. Your Mil getting jealous because you want to have some days off with him, and now not only kidnapping him but not allowing you to speak to him.

Call non emergency no and tell them what's happened Nd ask them what they they can do. Get it logged.

NavyBlueHue · 22/08/2019 17:40

@IfYouWannaComeBack is he back yet? I’m enraged for you Angry

@pinklemonade84 you need to lay down boundaries with these people. I would never allow DD to have been away from me that long at 4 as I didn’t like it. Your child your choice. Nobody else’s business.

Blubluboo · 22/08/2019 18:54

ifyouwanna
I really hope your son is home now.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If you think your child will miss you then a week is obviously too long.

Just to add to the mix though from the child's point of view, my grandparents on my mum's side of the family lived 6 hours away when I was a child and from a young age i would spend 1 week with them in the summer, my parents would meet my grandparents halfway. I would be a bit teary on the drive but nothing major. The actual week was the best. They are some of my favourite childhood memories. I feel so lucky and happy that my parents let me have those holidays in my grandparents, it was a really special time, made even more special that it was just me. No brothers, no parents, just pure quality time with my loving grandparents. And this was back in the day with no facetime so I'd only hear their voice on the phone occasionally and they would try to visit 2-3 times a year.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but just wanting to give a different point of view.

Drum2018 · 22/08/2019 19:03

@IfYouWannaComeBack also wondering the outcome - is ds home? So glad your ex was just as enraged and hope he gives them a bollocking when he sees them. I'm sure you'll be fit to throttle them too.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 22/08/2019 20:11

He’s home!!! But poorly Angry that’s probably why they wouldn’t let me talk to him. Ex brought him home, I’m guessing exPILs couldn’t face me knowing how angry I am.
Enjoying cuddles in my bed just DS, DD and I ❤️❤️❤️

Gobbolinocat · 22/08/2019 20:16

He wasn't bloody well and they still denied him access to his mum.

I hope you stipulate to your ex no access to these uncaring nasty nasty feckers for years until he is a very big boy who can defend himself.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2019 20:30

I'm so glad he's home @IfYouWannaComeBack

All's well that ends well.

BenjiB · 22/08/2019 20:31

Tell them to bog off. She’s your child, not theirs.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 22/08/2019 20:37

@IfYouWannaComeBack I'm so glad he's home now, but absolutely fuming that they would try to keep him away from you for even longer when he's poorly

OP posts:
BenjiB · 22/08/2019 20:59

Knitclubchatter - the point is she’s not their child. They didn’t ask if they could, they told the OP that’s what they were doing. They are the grandparents not the parents. The age of the child and length of time are totally irrelevant, it’s the assumption that they can do as they please.

justilou1 · 22/08/2019 21:23

@IfYouWannaComeBack - very late to this thread, but I’m about ready to start building you a new patio!!!

IfYouWannaComeBack · 22/08/2019 21:37

@justilou1 I may need you 😂

Weezol · 22/08/2019 21:46

justilou1 & IfYouWannaComeBack I'll make the Brew and hold the torch.

Jengnr · 22/08/2019 21:50

I’m usually pretty happy leaving my kids with anyone (husband, parents, PIL) when I go to festivals or away with mates or husband. But Friday to Monday is about my limit. I couldn’t leave them any longer. And they wouldn’t like it either (and they are very comfortable with Daddy or at either set of parents houses.

YANBU.

@IfYouWannaComeBack I’m so glad he’s home. Has anything been said?

Dragongirl10 · 22/08/2019 21:56

Dig your heels in, NO repeated enough times with no explanation should do the trick

IfYouWannaComeBack · 22/08/2019 21:59

@Jengnr no, nothing yet.

Cherrysoup · 22/08/2019 22:03

IfYouWannaComeBack, I hope your ex has read them the absolute riot act. Wankers.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 22/08/2019 22:09

I’m too tired and run down to argue right now.
I’m just enjoying my little one being home (he’s sleeping in my bed tonight).
But I won’t let this lie. I’m fuming

timeisnotaline · 22/08/2019 23:25

ifyouwannacomeback I hope you don’t let them see him on your time for a year or until they grovel. That is shit Angry.

SE13Mummy · 23/08/2019 01:29

My DC have stayed with grandparents for a week from the age of about 20 months. At 5, DD2 stayed for ten days which included being taken away by them to stay with other relatives. They've always been extremely well looked after, able to speak on the phone if they were keen and so busy enjoying what they are doing with grandparents that missing me or DH hasn't been an issue. I've missed them whenever they've been away but knowing that they're happy and having a brilliant time makes it worth doing.

The biggest difference in my situation and yours is that no one is trying to tell me that my DC is going away with them. Your DH is supportive and your DD still very young so I'd perhaps respond to any further pressure by replying that a year is a long time in the life of a not-yet-4-yr-old so you won't be making any decisions about holidays with grandparents in a year, or respond by saying that maybe a longer time away with them is something DD can work towards button the future but she'd need to start some weekend visits with them before the discussion goes any further.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/08/2019 02:09

So relieved to hear you've got DS back, IfYouWannaComeBack. That was very disturbing and I could entirely understand how upset you were.

Glad your Ex stepped up. Your PIL have wildly overstepped the mark. I wouldn't be allowing them to take DS anywhere any time soon.

As for you, pinklemonade84, I'm glad you are enforcing your boundaries. My MIL wasn't well enough to look after my DC alone so the situation never arose. My own DPs were very close to my DC from the outset. They came for the first week after both my DC were born. They ran the house while I nestled with my newborn but they never suggested taking the DC away without me because frankly it's a weird thing to do. It would never have occurred to them.

TiggerOfThigh · 23/08/2019 02:18

@IfYouWannaComeBack I’m really late to the party, but I’m glad DS is back, hopefully illness is nothing serious. I hope he isn’t too traumatised.

@pinklemonade84 YANBU. My maternal grandparents were my second parents, my parents worked full time, occasionally a second job, and we used to holiday as a family, all 5 of us, once a year. They wouldn’t have dreamed of taking me away alone for that long.
On the other hand, my youngest cousin used to join us every other year, it was the only time she spent with them and loved it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/08/2019 07:46

@pinklemonade84 I agree it's odd that they have passed up the chance for two nights before and now suddenly want a whole week. Do they have friends who already have their young grandchildren for a week and now feels like they look like uninterested grandparents?

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