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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

204 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 20:28

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

OP posts:
Sparky888 · 21/08/2019 22:21

@IfYouWannaComeBack I’d call and text asking for the address, and warn them I’ll call the police.

OP - yours sound like we have the same IL’s! I had this exact problem a while ago and I had to say no and be firm. It just felt wrong my 4yr old being away so far from both parents. I also find it weird they’re so obsessed having the child alone, what’s wrong with us being there?!

EarringsandLipstick · 21/08/2019 22:23

OP it's a year away! Why even worry for now? Don't even think about it - no need.

coconutpie · 21/08/2019 22:23

@IfYouWannaComeBack I would call them now and tell them you want him home tomorrow or else you will call the police. They are not letting you speak to him and won't tell you where he is and they have kept him without your consent.

HappyPunky · 21/08/2019 22:24

@Ifyouwannacomeback that's shocking! They're not letting a 4 year old child speak to his mother?!

@pinklemonade84 I thought that would be the case when I read your post. She's not their dolly. Stick to your guns.

Nogoodusername · 21/08/2019 22:24

It would be a no way from me! My 5 year old has never been away from home longer than a night. I have to travel 3 days for work every now and again but would never be away from her for so long voluntarily

stucknoue · 21/08/2019 22:25

It's your choice but she may really enjoy it and a year is a long time at that age. I would just say that you will consider how long she is ready for next year

Drum2018 · 21/08/2019 22:26

Don't even bother engaging with them about it. It's a year away. When the time comes then see how you feel. If they do persist in harping on about it now tell them you won't be making any decision about holidays until next year.

Teachermaths · 21/08/2019 22:27

@IfYouWannaComeBack I agree with the pps regarding the police. Ask for an address, if they refuse then go to the police. No way should they have done this.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:27

@EarringsandLipstick because it's been playing on my mind all evening that they just told me that this IS what they'd be doing

They're the sort of people who will keep mentioning this every so often to remind me

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/08/2019 22:28

ifuouwannacomeback I second telling them you will call the police and they will never see your children on your time again for 3 seconds much less the 3 days they’ve had in the past if they aren’t back tomorrow.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:28

@IfYouWannaComeBack I agree with the suggestions about the police too. They lied to you about how long they were taking him for. Won't let you talk to him. They're bang out of order

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/08/2019 22:30

I don’t think you need agree. My ds is 4 and has had 3 days with me away and a few weeks with dh away but not both at the same time! He did have 3 days at in laws this year but dh wasn’t around and I had gastro plus a baby to look after, luckily he was with pil when I came down with it so they kept him and he stayed healthy :)

EarringsandLipstick · 21/08/2019 22:34

I know @pinklemonade84 but it's not happening now or even soon.

Let them mention it, or say it's happening. Ignore it, say nothing.

In a year's time, deal with it then, if it's an issue.

I can totally see why you don't want your 4yo heading off for a week - but it's not a problem now and honestly, I think you are making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:36

Honestly I am tempted to threaten them with the police.
We’re going camping on Friday for the bank holiday weekend so I’ve made it clear he has to be back tomorrow or I’ll be reporting him as abducted. No way is DS missing his trip with his sister and I.

I know why they’ve done it, that’s the worst thing. DS starts school on 6th September and exMIL said to me recently “We’re going to take him to “XX” theme park that week because some of the other schools will be back so it won’t be busy”
I said no. I’ve booked that week off work so I can spend a bit of quality time with him on my own before he starts school. DD goes back to school on the 4th so I thought I could have 2 days of one on one time with my baby boy before he has to become a big boy.

ExMIL wasn’t happy and huffed and implied she wanted to do the same, so I made a point of pointing out I’m his mother and these things are special to me.

They also asked if they could collect or take him to school on his first day. I said no, again because I want to do these things with him seeing as I’m his mum and I’ll be emotional too.

I’ve lied and told him he starts on the Monday because I suspect they’ll just turn up. Selfish of me I know, but I want to enjoy hearing him talk about his first day and reassure him on my own.

HangryPants · 21/08/2019 22:36

I was the child in a similar situation, but a bit older. It wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it definitely had a bad impact. And my mother never forgave her in-laws.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 21/08/2019 22:37

Uhhh maybe if they'd 'asked' you! even then at 4yrs hmmm

at 5yrs i did leave mine for 5 /6 days but bc I'd asked and tbh wasn't that comfortable and felt guilty but a friend had paid for a surprised trip to NY so I went ahead but felt guilty. Not that you should feel guilty but it is a MASSIVE deal and they are minimising! and guilt tripping

IfYouWannaComeBack · 21/08/2019 22:38

@pinklemonade84 basically (without intentionally derailing your thread) be firm and just say no. Say no repeatedly or you could end up being completely railroaded like I have been.

Cabezona · 21/08/2019 22:42

DD is almost 8 and I still wouldn't be comfortable with a full week.

It's your choice. I'll never understand why some GP are so forceful when it comes to these things.

Pollywollydolly · 21/08/2019 22:44

@IfYouWannaComeBack
I would definitely call the police. You were expecting him back on Monday, you don't know where he is and you are not being allowed to speak to him. A visit from the police would ram home just how unreasonable they are being.

pinklemonade84
You need to make it clear now that your DD will not be going anywhere without you for a week this year, next year or any other year until YOU decide she is old enough.

Glitterfisher · 21/08/2019 22:44

YANBU if you don't want her to go. Personally I would have let my parents do that but they would have asked first of course (they did in fact have them for best part of a week when they were 3.5 and 1.5 and we were all on holiday - long story).

I do find some of your comments a bit odd, I am close to my DCs, I was a SAHM for 5 years so with them all the time but I was still comfortable with them being away, I don't think it means you are not close if you are happy to be away from each, it was important to me that they felt comfortable being independent from me also.

That said, just because some people would be comfortable leaving their DCs is really isn't unreasonable for you to say no. Do you think your DH would want them to? Obviously if he does it makes things a bit tricky for you.

NChangingAgain · 21/08/2019 22:46

Just tell them you'll see how you all (inc DH & DC) feel nearer the time. Repeat likea cracked record.

Also - get your DH to deal with them. They should be his problem, not yours.

Drum2018 · 21/08/2019 22:46

@IfYouWannaComeBack please make sure to follow through on your message about reporting them. Send a message in morning asking what time they are due back to your house. If you don't get any responses from them I'd be inclined to report them anyway, giving their phone numbers so a police officer might call them and tell them to get Ds home asap. They have really shot themselves in the foot with this stunt as I'm sure you won't be keen to allow them unsupervised time with him again.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/08/2019 22:47

@IfYouWannaComeBack don't worry about it. I'm glad that youve been able to post and get some support too
I really hope you can make some progress tomorrow and have him back soon

OP posts:
Sobeyondthehills · 21/08/2019 22:47

DS is 7 and has only just done 4 nights, I don't think he cares, but once the novelty of a quiet house wore off, I really started to miss him, so at the moment, that is probably our longest

Glitterfisher · 21/08/2019 22:48

@Ifyouwannacomeback I think this is one of the worst things I have heard on MN. I am so sorry you are going through this, you must be so upset. I hope they get him back tomorrow to you. They are so silly to have ruined everything by doing this.

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