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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to trust DH to look after me. What can I do.

247 replies

RainbowRobot · 21/08/2019 11:48

No previous health anxiety but a few things lead me to suspect I'm going to be quite ill.

Had a full day in hospital on Monday, 7am to 7.15pm. DH is totally unable to appreciate that at the end of the day, I need to eat and perhaps talk about what is going on.

How can I talk to DH about getting a grip of the 'for worse' and 'sickness' bits ahead. He's really not getting it at the moment.

OP posts:
Mumminmum · 21/08/2019 14:20

Tell him that needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2019 14:31

Do you have anyone else around you? Sorry to hear you're unwell. Your dh sounds unhelpful. What's he usually like when you're sick?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/08/2019 14:35

Have you told him plainly what you expect from him? DH wouldn’t want to talk if he had had a day in hospital so he assumes I wouldn’t either unless I tell him.

NoBaggyPants · 21/08/2019 14:45

You've posted this three times. Are you sure there's no anxiety?

What help are you looking for? Did you ask husband for food and he refused?

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 14:46

Tell him what you think is happening and ask for reassurance that he'll be there.

I wonder if he doesn't understand the severity because you haven't been diagnosed, maybe?

I do feel like men need to be told specifically when they need to be supportive in situations like this (not all men before I get jumped on!)

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 21/08/2019 14:47

I wouldn’t want to talk after a full day in hospital. Maybe he is the same?

Number3or4 · 21/08/2019 14:59

After a full day in the hospital, I would appreciate silence and not to be disturbed while I have a nice rest in my quiet bed. Hospital beds are not as comfortable as my own. Where there is no noise coming from machines and humans. I would appreciate snacks being at home and the opportunity to order in. After waking up.

I have texted him before what I would like, so he doesn't disturb me. Have you told your dh what you expect from him? Send him a text if it will help you.

Mintychoc1 · 21/08/2019 15:04

Do you have a diagnosis? Is it serious?

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/08/2019 15:10

I think you need to be clear with him what you need. Unless I had a definite diagnosis it's more likely I'd like to watch crap tv and have a hug. Husband is likely to need time to think things over himself and perhaps chat when we went for a walk.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 21/08/2019 15:16

I don’t really understand the “need to eat” bit- are you unable to cook for yourself and he’s not helping?

Did you get a diagnosis at the end of your day in hospital? If you have a follow-up appointment, take him with you to hear it straight from the doctors.

Sorry you’re unwell.

minibroncs · 21/08/2019 15:21

Kind of depends why you were in hospital, what's happening next, why you suspect you going to be seriously ill, what happened when you came home, what's happened since.

Was it planned you'd be there or emergency? Are you being investigated? Are you suffering with particular symptoms? Have you actually been told it could be something serious? When are you next being seen? What did he know about what had gone on? Did you ask to eat? Did you try to talk about it? Were you obviously so poorly you needed caring for or did you seem normal? Had you had day surgery?

TatianaLarina · 21/08/2019 15:24

Do you have a diagnosis? Something concrete for him?

inwood · 21/08/2019 15:26

What are your symptoms and or diagnosis?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2019 15:33

I’m chronically ill, disabled. I’ve had 2 large surgeries. You have to spell it out to them. And ask for what you want, not expect it. Men as a generalisation work differently from women. They will as a rule ask. Women tend to expect things to be seen as we’ve been brought up as carers and see things men don’t. Sweeping statements. Not always true....

So : Go and get me McDonald’s please. I need something to eat and am tired, can you make something now please. I feel unwell. I really need to tell you about my day. Can you come and give me a hug and listen to it? Etc.

Posting on here keeps me sane btw.

Raphael34 · 21/08/2019 15:34

What exactly is he not doing to help?

Rachelle11 · 21/08/2019 15:34

Do you mean you want him to cook for you?

Do the doctors suspect something serious?

steff13 · 21/08/2019 15:34

I get needing to talk if you're afraid, but it doesn't sound like you have a diagnosis yet, is that correct? If so, try not to worry too much, though I know that's difficult.

In what way is he not understanding?

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2019 15:37

Is the issue that you needed practical help on Monday? Were you there for tests? Did you ask for food and he refused?

Have the doctors told you to prepare for a diagnosis?

batedbreath · 21/08/2019 15:39

but a few things lead me to suspect I'm going to be quite ill
But what's actually up with you OP?

Myriade · 21/08/2019 15:41

I’m not sure why on Earth the OP is supposed to stay and silent and not talk about her worries ‘because she doesn’t have a diagnosis yet’ Hmm

It’s not because you don’t have a diagnosis that someone isn’t anxious and doesn’t need to talk. Think about it. You’ve just been sent for test because there is a possibility that you have cancer. I know I sure would want to talk about that possibility even if I don’t have the diagnosis yet.
Besides, talking about that possibility is probably the best thing to do because once you have the diagnosis, it might be that there will be no time to get your head around it before you have to take decisions, decisions that are life changing.

As for ‘I don’t understand the part about needing to eat’, really? You dint understand that having spent a day in hospital, being worried, having tests etc... you might want to be looked after rather than carrying like normal? You can’t understand that someone will want to feel cherish and cared for (rather than her still caring for everyone as usual)?
I suspect you’ve never been ill.

@RainbowRobot, I’m sorry but I don’t know. I haven’t been able to make my DH understand that unfortunately.
My way of coping is act as if he wasn’t there as support Nd find it somewhere else. Nowhere near ideal and not what I expected from a marriage :(

Fancyseeingyouhere · 21/08/2019 15:42

He shouldn't need it spelling out.If you are ill and need looking after then he should just bloody well know that.

Myriade · 21/08/2019 15:43

Btw, to some PP, it doesn’t matter what the OP has or might have or whatnot.

What matters is that she needs support NOW and her DH just isn’t there to give her some, as she would have expected him to do when she is ill.
It is unfortunately a quite common pattern, repeated over many threads, regardless of whether the OP is ill with a flu and in bed for a week or if the OP has a serious illness and is left to deal with it on her own.

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 15:44

@Myriade NOBODY has said she shouldn't talk about it because she hasn't been diagnosed yet...

You're very aggressive when people are just asking for a little more detail so they know how best to advise OP.

lorettalemon · 21/08/2019 15:44

My STBXH was useless and unsympathetic to the point of being nasty about my frequent hospital admissions and diagnosis of a serious condition. It made me think very badly of him.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out if someone's spent a day in hospital that they might be upset and want to talk about it and they will probably not be feeling great and you should ask them if they want/need anything, especially things like food/water

steff13 · 21/08/2019 15:46

I'm not intuitive at all with sick people. I am happy to do anything that needs to be done, but I do need to be told directly what to do. I never realized this until my mother was dying of cancer and my SIL just instinctively knew what to do, and I didn't. I'm not a bad person, I'm actually very kind and empathetic, but I do need things spelled out for me a little more than some people might. I'm the same in other areas of life, too, I seem to need people to be more direct than other people do. Maybe the OP's husband is like that?