not to trust DH to look after me. What can I do.

[RainbowRobot]

No previous health anxiety but a few things lead me to suspect I'm going to be quite ill.

Had a full day in hospital on Monday, 7am to 7.15pm. DH is totally unable to appreciate that at the end of the day, I need to eat and perhaps talk about what is going on.

How can I talk to DH about getting a grip of the 'for worse' and 'sickness' bits ahead. He's really not getting it at the moment.

[Flerkin]

OP, what tests did you have in the full day of tests?

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

Surely I can comment on both threads if I want to?

I'm sorry you're so worried but I think that you really have got yourself worked up about something which hasn't happened and may never happen.

On your other thread you say that the more catastrophic things have been ruled out.

I would have thought that MS was pretty catastrophic, personally. Has that not been ruled out, then?

Why are you so sure it is MS? You can't think it is just because of diplopia (double vision.)

[ittakes2]

I'm sorry you are feeling unwell and anxious but your post was rather thin on the ground in information - maybe you are also not telling your partner all the information for him to understand and respond?

[Flerkin]

OP do you really believe focusing on swedish death cleaning, so it's easier for your kids when you die, is a natural response to occassional double vision and some tests at hospital

I suspect you want to keep talking about how you have MS and plans you need to make for when you can not do anything and for when you pass.

If it is MS why are you preparing for death?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Have you at any point actively asked your partner to provide you with what you need (eg see to dinner, discuss plans for managing if you do become unable to work/look after DC)?
Because it's' clear from what some PP have said that people react differently to their own illnesses, let alone those of a family member: some want to be waited on hand and foot whereas others want to carry on as normal for as long as they can.

It may be the case that your relationship has always been based on you providing all domestic service and childcare and him never having to think about it, so if you're not visibly ill but just worried, he may see no need for anything to change until there is a diagnosis. But it might also be that you are not only catastrophising but expecting immediate 100% pampering and indulgence without having asked for it.

[timshelthechoice]

What was the full day of tests? Did you need to fast? I have to fast for one of mine and one of the others is colonscopy with the prep for that. All pretty fast as on a 2-week pathway.

[TitianaTitsling]

OP did you have consultant led tests at a clinic or did you self present and wait about a lot?

[Aprillygirl]

I'm so confused. If you need to eat and talk about what's going on what is stopping you doing those things OP?

[Myriade]

Oh fuck off to the people who say that until there is a diagnosis there is nothing to be done.
If the OP needs some tests, that’s because she has some symptoms that are still unexplained and she needs tests to understand. But clearly those symptoms will have an impact in her and her wellbeing. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that those symptoms might mean some d’ajustements BEFORE she gets any diagnosis.

Eg: I have ME and was totally exhausted, fatigued to the point I couldn’t up the stairs. It’s jot because I didn’t have a diagnosis yet that those symptoms didn’t mean I needed some adjustments and help. It also didn’t mean that I could just go about my life wo being worried because I didn’t have a diagnosis yet. When you are feeling so crap, there are many things to have a chat about, incl what to do if those symptoms are here to stay.

[tuberr0se]

OP? Are you there? Hope you are ok.

[Myriade]

@RainbowRobot I’ve been in that situation, where I was ill but DH didn’t do fuck all to support me. Had decided it was better to out his head in the sand. Or in my case to decide I was clearly lazy because there wasn’t anything obviously wrong with me (if you think that someone who visibly struggles to go up the stairs, can only walk very slowly etc... are not signs obvious enough and your partner saying they are not feeling well are not good enough signs for you to actually do something and step up).

I’m and at the number of people who think that not having a diagnosis is a good enough reason to ‘not see’ that someone is struggling. Once the OP will have a diagnosis, do you think her symptoms will changed or will have got worse that suddenly she knows what’s going on??? Either she needs support now or she doesn’t, regardless of the diagnosis.

[RainbowRobot]

Aprillygirl I think the eating & talking moment was what highlighted how out of his depth DH was. We saw the last consultant of the day and walked straight out the hospital. I said "we need to eat, do you want a sandwich or something hot" DH couldn't give a straight answer, so I said the services (it's never going to be great but under the circumstances, lots of choice...)
DH whilst driving decides a chip shop, gets cross because both phones flat & no obvious chippy in sight.
Carry on, Stop at services, I order a meal for myself, DH wanders round, can't find anything in McD's, Subway, M&S, etc (he's always fussy) then takes a phone call from friend. After 20mins sits down, he still no food. I'm ready to go.
We leave & I say' those places are always grim, we should just go for a pub next time then we could have talked over the day'.
He says he wants to get back for the kids, I say in these exceptional times they would have been alright for half an hour more and I could have done with the space to find a happy face.
So it all stalled, he got back watched something and next day disappeared for work. Have now had 2 five minute conversations mostly about holiday logistics.
I need a DH for the difficult moments not just the good times.

[CTRL]

I get that your upset and needing somebody but I’m curious about how your DH feels ?

Must be difficault caring for someone and possibly juggling work (if he does work).

Maybe he just wants some ‘Me’ time also and probably just wants to rest after a long day - probably 7am - 7pm aswell.

Do you have any friends you can talk to ?

[Flerkin]

What did the consultant actually say?

@Myriade the OP is focusing on swedish death clening for when the time comes. She isnt focussing on needing some adjustments for now.

But making plans for her death. It's totally understandable the dh doesnt want to talk about her dying, when so far its only google that says its MS.

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

WTF is Swedish Death Cleaning?

[tuberr0se]

What is with the Swedish death cleaning? There isn't even a diagnosis? I'm really confused!

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

Okay - I have looked at SDC.

Op - even if you have MS ( and I hope you haven't) it does not mean that death is imminent.

You're catastrophising in a big way here.

[NoBaggyPants]

Given your update, you do sound rather dramatic. You got food, it was him that chose not to. Nothing to stop you talking in the car.

I'm probably more used to hospitals, but nothing sounds particularly exceptional.

[CTRL]

I’m either confused or I’ve gotten it right and I’m starting to think your possibly a slight hypochondriac if you haven’t been diagnosed with anything life threatening but you have decided to get your family used to when you pass !?!

If that’s the case - I’m not sure weather I would want to talk about it either right now as it’s not something that need to urgently be discussed.

[LaLoba]

There’s something kind of off here, that I can’t articulate in a way that doesn't sound completely unsympathetic. I don’t doubt your fears, but something about your wording gives the impression that you’ve decided to be ill. Your husband’s apparent lack of understanding may be his way of preventing the catastrophising from getting out of hand? I don’t know him, so can only guess.
A day of seeing various consultants doesn’t sound like any part of the MS dx process. If you haven’t had an MRI and/or lumbar puntcure, I’d say you and Dr Google are the only ones who think it’s MS. I’m sorry to sound so blunt, you clearly are in some distress about this.

[toxic44]

Came home on Monday from a hospital day, tired and nervous like OP. DP hugged me, made me a drink and floated because, he told me when I asked, he felt awkward, incompetent and in the way. You have to tell someone in very direct, simple terms what you need, like, 'Comb my hair out of my face and get me into a clean nightie, please.' Say you want to talk, tell him you're nervous, ask for his support. Many men don't know what to do but want to help if you will spell it out for them.

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

I hoped that wasn't what SDC meant as it is in pretty bad taste given how many of us are actually planning for the worst and have diagnoses we really don't want

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

I'm confused, you did eat? Is that right?

YANBU to think that service stations are grim btw.

[toxic44]

Another point is lots of men are frightened by the thought of the woman being ill, so they either flap or ignore the topic. Unless a man is a congenital whinger, he is hard-pressed to discuss his own illness, never mind yours.

[BlueCornsihPixie]

I dont really understand what your DH did wrong there

You can't magically expect your DH to know that you want to talk without the kids

you wanted to eat so you ate, he didn't want service station food so he didn't eat?

Hed had a stressful day too and wanted to go home to see his DC, dont think theres anything wrong with that

It sounds to me like you want to fnd fault in him, whether thats because you are stressed, but no one is a mind reader. If you want some space and time to talk tell him ffs!

You are swedish death cleaning but even worst case scenario its MS your death is not in any way imminent