not to trust DH to look after me. What can I do.

[RainbowRobot]

No previous health anxiety but a few things lead me to suspect I'm going to be quite ill.

Had a full day in hospital on Monday, 7am to 7.15pm. DH is totally unable to appreciate that at the end of the day, I need to eat and perhaps talk about what is going on.

How can I talk to DH about getting a grip of the 'for worse' and 'sickness' bits ahead. He's really not getting it at the moment.

[Mileysmiley]

I don't think men deal with illnesses very well. I have Graves Disease and sometimes I feel too ill to get out of bed ... my husbands response ... "Force yourself Miley, all this sitting around is making you worse"
He really doesn't realise that if I could get up and walk about I would because I HATE being an invalid. He is clueless and I have sometimes wished he would become ill so he could get some idea of how I feel.

[Sicario]

I have no idea why so many men are so completely useless when it comes to looking after a sick or recovering wife. My dad was like this with my mum - absolutely couldn't handle it and went into complete denial. Nothing got done. Had this with my own husband too. It's like some kind of panic-stricken paralysis.

If you need him to look after you, you have to spell it out, chapter and verse. Even to the point of writing a list saying you will need bringing something to eat X amount of times a day. Tea, water, anything else. Tell them how long it will go on for.

This is the invisible work that nobody sees or thinks about because women do it automatically and without being asked.

[Didthatreallyhappen2]

I am so sorry that you've got this worry at the moment.

Last year, on a routine visit to my GP, completely out of the blue he told me he thought I had cancer. I disintegrated. There followed two weeks of frantic tests to confirm I had another, lifelong health concern, but not cancer. Throughout my wonderful DH refused to even countenance that there was anything wrong, and whilst he was very, very supportive, he wouldn't discuss it much with me. I have subsequently found out that he was talking to his friends about how scared he was, but didn't want to tell me because he felt he had to be strong for me.

Maybe your DH understands more than he's letting on, but just doesn't want to acknowledge it in case it makes you worry?

[Lweji]

If he is not used to taking responsibility or caring for you in any way, then I wouldn't expect him to, no.

Tell him explicitly that you need looking after. Don't try to act strong. Go full "man flu" mode.

[Apolloanddaphne]

I don't think PP are being unfair. It is hard to know what to advise OP when we have no idea what sort of thing she thinks is wrong with her or how her DH is dealing with it.

Maybe he is finding it hard to cope with the reality of a sick wife or maybe he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with you. You need to keep talking to him.

The eating thing - did he fail to get food in? Was he preoccupied with other stuff? Was he at the hospital with you or out making sure the DC were distracted and busy?

It is hard to give advice on just a few sentences.

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

I'm in hospital a lot and the last thing I want to do it talk about it in the evenings! The same with test results.

Making my own food is tiring, but it keeps things normal and at least it means I have control over the timings etc.

So it's not obvious- different viewpoints are all valid. He needs telling in no uncertain terms what to do to help.

[stucknoue]

It's possible he is scared but instead of being ultra supportive (to the point of claustrophobia in some cases I've heard) he's ignoring it in the hope that means it's not happening. When serious illness hits we all react differently from the ultra practical to burying heads in the sand. Once/if you are diagnosed, there's often support services you and your loved ones can access, for now give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's struggling to process what is happening. Unfortunately not all relationships survive serious illness (or kids with disabilities in our case) but hoping that it will for you

[Mitebiteatnite]

I have to say that as wonderful as my DH is, he doesn't just get it either. I'm quite frequently ill, I have severe asthma and fairly frequent chest infections but I usually try and push through it. Sometimes though, it gets to the point where I can't and I have to tell him 'you need to sort dinner because I need to go to bed'. He is always apologetic and says he's sorry he didn't notice me struggling and I should have said. Which is true, my own insistence on trying to carry on as normal when I should be resting means that he assumes (rightly or wrongly) that I'm OK to continue doing so.

I remember one particular occasion where I'd been making Yorkshire puddings and had somehow set the oven on fire (don't ask). While he dealt with said fire, i left the smoke filled kitchen and sat in the front garden with my chest tightening and wheezing like never before. My inhaler was doing nothing at all and I couldn't physically get up. it took him a good 10 minutes to come out and ask if I was OK. When I said 'no, I need to go to the hospital now' he said 'ah right, I didn't think about that' and then went off to get the car keys.

They need it spelled out for them sometimes OP, so try it. If he still doesn't respond, then you have a problem.

Hope you're on the mend soon.

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

So you think you've got MS (from one of your other threads.)

Why do you think this? It must be more than a bit of double vision. (also from one of your other threads.)

You must surely have mentioned this possibility to your DH. Are you sure you haven't got health anxiety? People who have health anxiety frequently think they've got MS. (among other things.) And they usually haven't.

[timshelthechoice]

Tell him what you want! Sorry, but I've had some serious health issues and am waiting for investigations and I'm worried I have stomach cancer (I used to smoke a lot). But it's different for everyone and some people don't want to talk about it in the evenings or be made food. And truthfully, there's no way to know if anyone will be 'quite ill' until it's determined what it is.

[3luckystars]

Where was he while you were at the hospital?

[justasking111]

When it is diagnosed the consultant usually talks through things with a couple, so perhaps wait until you do know what is wrong.

[justasking111]

It is annoying when OH is ill, cups of tea, something to eat, a nag to see gp when necessary is all part of my caring. He on the other hand would not realise I even needed a glass of water unless I asked. Some people need it spelling out.

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

Have you even mentioned MS to him?

[TeaForTara]

Has the doctor told you they are specifically testing for MS or is it Dr Google who told you that's the most likely diagnosis?

[RainbowRobot]

Thank you everyone.

I normally do all the house & family stuff, me being ill would really inconvience DP and he's not great when life upsets his routine.

Dr Google points to MS, I've got double vision and with hindsight a pattern of relapse & recover every 11 or so months. Three GP visits over 15 years along with homebirths so not likely to be 'health anxiety'

[BuildBuildings]

Ahh it's hard op. I have anxiety (and some physical health problems). I do occasionally have panic attacks and went through a period in the winter when my anxiety was really bad. My partner struggled to get the difference between feeling a bit worried and feeling like I was dying in a panic attack. Obviously I'm not, like the pp with asthma. But it can feel the same like you can't breathe.

Try talking to him outside of the situation, so not when he's just done the thing to annoy or upset you. Depending on what is going on for you there are websites about supporting people with x conditions.

Also have a list of things that need doing practical or moral support and explain if you're saying look I need food now or whatever it's because you know your body.
So one thing my partner would do is try to rationalise why the thing I was anxious about wasn't going to happen. This can help when I'm just worried but in a panic attack I just need to know I'm safe. So I said when I say so just tell me I'm OK or hug me and we can talk about why afterwards.

I hope you get to a stage where he gets it. X

[RainbowRobot]

So 'spell it out' come's across many of the posts. I might have to put it in writing for DH.

I'm currently focused on Swedish Death cleaning the house, to make it easier for the kids.

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

But RainbowRobot you haven't got a diagnosis yet.

I would hold back from writing anything to your DH for the moment.

There may be nothing wrong with you.

[BuildBuildings]

Oh just saw your update. I am getting better with my health anxiety and I really don't think your amount of GP visits sound like health anxiety! One of the best and happiest people I know has MS op. Obviously this isn't an indication of what it is like living with it. But there are treatments. Sending hugs.

[Lweji]

TBH, I would discuss my health concerns with DH. How else is he going to know what's up with you?
Even if it is/was health anxiety.

And I'd start making him responsible for much more house and family stuff too. Even if you are a SAHM.

[BuildBuildings]

Sorry keep cross posting. Do you think your worry about the possibility of ms is making the situation less clear. A declutter is always good in my book. But it sounds like you're preparing to be out of action from family life immediately. If it is ms I'm sure family adjustment is a huge part of living with it. So I'd wait to see what the diagnosis is.

Also if you've always been fairly healthy things can take a while to sink in.

[AmIThough]

I really think you do need to wait for the diagnosis if the double vision and relapses is your only symptom.

I have a few family members with MS and none of them would be able to clean their house alone - their ages range from 24-60.

[AmIThough]

To clarify, I'm not minimising anything you're going through and DH should still have cooked you a nice meal and ask how you got on

[Pericombobulations]

I understand completely where the OP is coming from, having been on the MS diagnosis route. Dr Google suggested I may have it, but I discounted it as my health paranoia talking. Until the actual day the consultant sat me down and said actually it is MS.

My DH was and is useless, I'm three years next week on from my diagnosis, DH will be there if I sit him down and "tell him" but there are times, I cant or dont want to, I want him to just "get it". He still doesnt despite being there with me when I was told.

So @RainbowRobot I completely sympathise with you, am happy to chat about this, but have no suggestions of how to help get your partner to be more on board as I am also facing similar and still havent worked it out. This is to the point, he was away a month ago for his hobby, and I ended up laid out in bed, hardly able to move, terrified I would be there all weekend. DH rang and was sympthetic but didnt offer to come home which is what I needed from him (not to actually come home but just to feel I mattered enough for him to offer).