not to trust DH to look after me. What can I do.

[RainbowRobot]

No previous health anxiety but a few things lead me to suspect I'm going to be quite ill.

Had a full day in hospital on Monday, 7am to 7.15pm. DH is totally unable to appreciate that at the end of the day, I need to eat and perhaps talk about what is going on.

How can I talk to DH about getting a grip of the 'for worse' and 'sickness' bits ahead. He's really not getting it at the moment.

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

You are swedish death cleaning but even worst case scenario its MS your death is not in any way imminent

This. I don't know much about MS at all, but other posters obviously do. Please don't think you're going to die. Firstly it upsets people who are, and secondly and much more importantly, life is far, far too short. Leave the house. It can wait. IF it is MS then it can be managed, and you will deal with all of that when the medics have done their bit and diagnosed you.

[tuberr0se]

I don't understand either. When I had my tests and subsequent diagnosis neither DH or I knew what that to do! You can't prepare for things like this, you just can't. I didn't know how to react myself , let alone DH!!!!

[TitianaTitsling]

Pedantic but how did he take call from friend if the phones were flat so you couldn't search for a chippy?

[Tennesseewhiskey]

I think the issue here us that by ops own admission she has got this diagnosis from Google.

No any medical person. Nor has she actually said that any medical person agrees with her. So I can only assume they dont.

She is focusing on SDC, which is bizarre as even if it was MS her death isnt anymore likely to happen very soon.

If my dp was ill, diagnosed himself with something serious via google, that no has agreed with, that he had some test, still no medical person saying its was the condition he is certain it is and he wanted to talk about how the whole family can support him when he is diagnosed and talking about how to prepare for death, I wouldn't want to discuss it, either.

[tuberr0se]

I should say though that I don't have MS. It's a potentially life threatening condition though.

[tuberr0se]

Sorry, this isn't about me

[bluebluezoo]

What matters is that she needs support NOW and her DH just isn’t there to give her some, as she would have expected him to do when she is ill

She isn't actually ill at present though, as I understand? So her Dh is reacting as if they've had a tiring and difficult day, where he just wants to get home for the day. o/p seems to be reacting as though she's been told she is terminal, is planning how to deal with her death, and is expecting her husband to know this without being told.

She talks about "we need to eat" as if the've had some huge shock, in the same way people often advise hot sweet tea in times of crisis, as if they need to bolster themselves for hard times. Then not picking up the kids and "talking" again as if they've had a massive disclosure.

It's clear o/p has a completely different viewpoint to her DH, and both are reacting to the level of perceived seriousness of o/p's illness.

o/p needs to communicate her level of worry. She could have started a conversation at any point, rather than trying to engineer a formal "talk" and/or wait for her DH to ask.

Likely he is simply thinking the same as most on here, o/p os going for tests, it could be something serious, but she's relatively well at the moment, let's cross that bridge when we get there. o/p has self diagnosed already and is planning a severe decline and death, which the dh knows nothing about!

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

I don't think you are being direct enough with your DH. I'm finding your description of your conversation a bit baffling. Does he have a clue what's going through your head?

If it were me I'd be saying, "I'm really scared I've got MS" and I'd probably be crying a bit too. I'd expect a proper conversation to open up from that.

[bakebeans]

OvertiredandConfused ms can go from being very well to very iLL. My parent was diagnosed after what they thought was another stroke. They had 2 ‘strokes’ two years apart in which completely unable to move left side of the body but completely recovered within a couple of days. CT scan and MRI scan showed nothing. Lumbar puncture showed a damaged myelin sheaf which confirmed a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.

[ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule]

I'm really sorry you're ill, OP, and it sounds as if you wanted him to make all the decisions and actually, it was probably quite hard for him to do that. I'm not minimising how you're feeling, and it definitely depends on what the consultant actually said, but if he's just heard things that deeply worry him and then you suddenly want him to feed you, that might've been too much. Or he may not have noticed what you were hinting at because he was so preoccupied with the appointment and just wanted to get home. The wandering round and not deciding what to eat speaks volumes, I think. My DH would do the same if his head was all over the place. It doesn't mean he's not going to support you, but if you've both just been told there's a diagnosis on the horizon, what to eat may have been one of those micro decisions that just didn't seem important enough to him.

It sounds from your update like you did eat a meal, so perhaps you wanted him to take charge of the situation and drive you somewhere good to eat. Unfortunately it seems his head wasn't in the right place for that, and while I have every sympathy for what you're going through, part of 'in sickness and in health' and the 'worse' part of 'for better or worse' means understanding that you're both going through this. He's watching you being ill. And he's powerless. That's not easy. Ask him for a huge hug and explain what you might need, then he'll know for next time.

[Supersimpkin]

Dear me OP, you're getting a bashing.

Since when did 'health anxiety' become an explainer for everything? We all know the MNetters who trot this out like sheep aren't medics (you don't say) but even if an OP was Hypochondriac of the Year, she can still get ill.

I hope you haven't got MS. I don't think DH was much use tonight, to be honest. When you are feeling better, talk to him and tell him what you and his family need. And if he's not going to pamper you, have no hesitation in arranging it for yourself without him.

[Supersimpkin]

Incidentally, Dr Google diagnosed my DF correctly in 5 seconds when the NHS sent him home from tests four times. It's a fatal illness.

[Supersimpkin]

Well, it's a fatal illness for DF now. NHS told him he was fine 4x over two years - too late now for treatment.

[NoBaggyPants]

How did you drive sixty miles with double vision?

Having scanned your other thread, comments like "after not initially dying" do suggest that, whatever your diagnosis is, you are overreacting.

[TooMuch87]

Was he there for the whole 12 hours while you had tests and spoke to the doctors? If so I think that’s actually very supportive and kind of him. He drove you home and stopped to get you food. You’re annoyed at him because he wanted to get home to see the kids and because he ‘disappeared’ for work the next day (did you expect him to take a day off?). I think you’re being unfairly harsh to him.

[Apolloanddaphne]

Tbh I think you are being a bit melodramatic.

[LifeIsGoodish]

Sounds a bit like my dh. Not that he doesn't care, but that it doesn't occur to him that we may not want the same things, emotionally. Also he may be hiding, not wanting to face up to a scary situation. When presented with a problem, men often feel that they have to find a solution. He knows that he cannot sort out your illness, and that knowledge adds to the stress he's already feeling about your illness.

Sure it would be lovely to have a dh who responds instinctively in the way you need! But he's only human.

My dh often needs me to spell out what I want from him, eg:

Not to solve any problems, just to listen.
To listen and ask questions, but with or without making suggestions.

For me to present him with a problem that he can solve, eg: I am/will be unable to cook/do laundry/do school run. What can he do to sort this out?

(After dc2 was born, every day dh made me a massive plate of wonderful sandwiches - salad, meat, cheese, fish, jam, peanut butter - on chunky homemade bread, so that I would have good food immediately to hand throughout the day. That was his way of solving the cooking issue. It worked )

[sheshootssheimplores]

Can people stop talking about MS being a terminal illness FFS! Lots of us on here are either living with it or have loved ones who live with it and do very well.

There is relapsing remitting MS and progressive. Sometimes RR can turn into progressive but often it stays RR for life if the patient finds a treatment that suits them. There are also some promising treatment with stem cells that are helping dole (not all) so things are not quite as doom and gloom as it’s being made out.

[sheshootssheimplores]

*some

[Disfordarkchocolate]

And there are some of us @sheshootssheimplores with relatives who dying a long slow death who are struggling to cope. For some people, it's a truly terrible illness.

[Butterymuffin]

I get that this is very difficult and frightening for you, but you also seem to be quite fatalistic about it and have already assumed the worst. Dr. Google can be very variable in its medical accuracy. Please bear that in mind. That said, I think you should be direct with your partner about your needs, saying 'It would really make me feel supported if you...' rather than wait silently and then be disappointed.

[Flerkin]

The majority of people with MS live long as people without MS.

The problem is that OP is clinging on to the Dr good diagnosis. Despite drs ruling anything 'catastrophic' out and is convinced she will be one of the minority who dies an early death.

She is planning for it already, despite the fact it might not be MS and is more than likely able to live long time.

Yes sometimes people find Xr Google has diagnosed correctly. More often than not, its incorrect.

[RainbowRobot]

Thank you everyone.

The Swedish Death cleaning was a throw away comment, decluttering, simplifying part of ' what can I do' A bit of disaster planning but I'm suddenly aware of what happens to a family when one part stops working. (Am I really the only one capable of moving a new toilet roll six feet from cupboard to holder?)

I have n't asked Mumsnet 'what is causing my symptoms' I'm looking for answers to ' how can I get DH to look after me when I am ill'. An important part of that is not minimising what is going on and it might be useful to reflect on the past (energy levels, unexplained issues)

[ThatCurlyGirl]

OP firstly I'm sorry you're having such a stressful time.

Can you see that you're expecting the worst to an extent that is causing you trauma now when your fears might not be realised?

I promise that isn't meant to sound patronising, just trying to get a gauge as to whether you can step back for a minute and not let yourself automatically assume the worst.

Your OH may just be assuming the worst won't happen, while you're assuming it will. This is actually a pretty good balance in the time between tests and results. Kids pick up on these tensions so easily so for now you may be doing them more good to focus on normality and routine rather than doing things like the SCD and trying to fix things that aren't yet broken and may never be.

I had a horrific accident which caused brain damage among other things so I do understand the feeling of panic when waiting for results but it does sound like you're spiralling and causing yourself extra stress - please try not to do this.

Your DH may be wired like my family, if I say I want to have a talk they run a mile but if I tell them I'm scared and want a cuddle they desperately want to make me feel better and I get a big hug.

Some people can't read between the lines while some have huge natural empathy - try to give him some leeway if it doesn't come naturally to him, everyone is wired differently and it can be good to have someone on your side who doesn't panic or assume the worst.

Hope you're OK and manage to get a good sleep tonight, sorry again you've had such a horrible week.

[ThatCurlyGirl]

Sorry OP cross posted so hope my post still makes sense x