not to trust DH to look after me. What can I do.

[RainbowRobot]

No previous health anxiety but a few things lead me to suspect I'm going to be quite ill.

Had a full day in hospital on Monday, 7am to 7.15pm. DH is totally unable to appreciate that at the end of the day, I need to eat and perhaps talk about what is going on.

How can I talk to DH about getting a grip of the 'for worse' and 'sickness' bits ahead. He's really not getting it at the moment.

I'm looking for answers to ' how can I get DH to look after me when I am ill'. An important part of that is not minimising what is going on and it might be useful to reflect on the past (energy levels, unexplained issues)

But you might not be 'ill'

You say when you are ill. You have no idea if you are. But you are talking as though you definitely will be.

And the SDC (rather than just having declutter) specifically to make it easier for the kids when the time comes, really shows which way your mind is going.

Dh probably doesnt know what to say if you are on the road of 'I definitly have x MS AND it's going to kill me so we need to prepare'

I think CurlyGirl that DP may indeed be wired like your family. Thank you for drawing my attention to asking for an action rather than empathy.

And other PPs I am reading your comments, digesting whilst sorting out DCs, thank you.

HEALTH ANXIETY - to anyone flicking through Mumsnet who is behind on their smear tests, has found a weird lump or noticed a mole changing - please go and get it checked out. That is not selfish or attention seeking you will cost society less if you catch it early.

For anyone in the middle of diagnosis, tests etc the NHS direct and the NICE guidelines provide factual, accurate information. Use the science you learnt at school and the common sense as an adult to filter information. Forums and specialised websites often have a skewed view.

I think, in direct answer to your question, your DP hasn't shown he isn't looking after you, he's just shown he does it in a different way to the one you expect. You need to communicate the way you want him to look after you. If you want him to cook, you need to ask him to cook.

I'm looking for answers to ' how can I get DH to look after me when I am ill

Maybe tell him when you are ill?

It sounds like your symptoms are those vague on/off type which are difficult to pinpoint (and therefore hard to diagnose from). If you aren’t typically “ill”, how is your dh to know which days you feel ok and when you don’t? You will need to tell him you are having a bad day.

I don't know how ill I have to feel to ask for advice on AIBU but can I just reassure everyone I'm feeling pretty fucking poorly. I'm minimising it for the DC and not telling you lot the whole story but this is not a normal level of service.

OP, who else can you talk to IRL about this? Even if your husband was doing everything you wanted at this time, it makes sense to spread the load in terms of looking for support.

*HEALTH ANXIETY - to anyone flicking through Mumsnet who is behind on their smear tests, has found a weird lump or noticed a mole changing - please go and get it checked out. That is not selfish or attention seeking you will cost society less if you catch it early.

For anyone in the middle of diagnosis, tests etc the NHS direct and the NICE guidelines provide factual, accurate information. Use the science you learnt at school and the common sense as an adult to filter information. Forums and specialised websites often have a skewed view*

Words fail me.

Op, I think the most concerning thing is that on your other thread you also mention preparing your children, which just seems a such a bizarre and needlessly disturbing thing to do when you don’t have any facts or diagnosis to tell them yet. Along with the Swedish death clean and other preparation, which teens will also notice. I don’t think that’s acceptable when at present there’s no reason to assume you are, or will be ill.

Hi RainbowRobot - waiting for test results is a really difficult time. When have the hospital said that you are likely to hear back?

Once you have test results and a treatment plan it is much easier to make plans, so it may be easier to have those conversations with your DH then.

In the meantime, I have found a direct request for specific assistance works best - it takes a bit longer to “frame” but is usually more effective in the long run!

No-one can really judge whether your DH is BU or not. We don’t know whether you actually have the illness you fear, where you are in the investigation/diagnosis process, the feedback from the doctors at the hospital. It’s entirely unclear what is going on from your posts, which is I guess why people query health anxiety.

It is honestly coming across as though you feel a bit poorly and therefore everyone has to drop everything and start scurrying round second-guessing your every whim. Your H came with you to the hospital, waited with you all day, agreed to stop for food because you said you were hungry (though he, by the sound of it, wasn't particularly hungry) - how is this not looking after you? His 'crime' seems to have been wanting to get back to your DC. Maybe he's trying to maintain some normality for them in the face of you insisting you're next in line for the wooden overcoat despite no evidence as yet that there is anything seriously wrong with you.

I get that you're scared - it is scary to have to go for tests and wait for the results. (I had a lump in my breast, which was fortunately found to be benign, but I was very frightened at the time.) but if you have DC, you have to try to keep things as normal as possible until there is a genuine need for change.

Never diagnose yourself looking up your symptoms on Google. Your DH is not a mind reader. Communicate with him.

I'm looking for answers to ' how can I get DH to look after me when I am ill
You communicate with him, he isn’t a mind reader. If you need to talk, tell him instead of faffing about at a service station. Say hey DH I’m starving can we grab something quick and sit somewhere we can talk?
People often deal with situations how they would deal with it, not how you would. My DP isn’t a talker but he knows by now that I am. If not I ask him to put his phone or whatever down and listen so I can get it off my chest. Often I try and keep busy to take my mind off things, sounds like your DH is doing the same.

As an aside, an MS diagnosis isn’t always worst case scenario. My mum was diagnosed with MS around 15 years ago now (when I was about 10). She’s had a couple of relapses but her current treatment is the best so far. She’s completely mobile and you would never know her diagnosis if you met her. Unfortunately she now has Secondary Breast Cancer so her body is fighting a losing battle on all fronts. But the MS hasn’t stopped her living her life. I hope you have a good outcome from your tests.

@LtJudyHopps Hope your mum is doing well she sounds like a fighter

OP you're hardly making any sense. I'm feeling fragile and shorter fused today because my best friend, 30, fit and healthy, has been told today she has a brain tumor.
That needs some real planning and 'preparing' people. You don't even know if you're ill yet, let alone have a diagnoses.

@Okurrrrrrrr

Fuck, I'm so sorry to hear that about your best mate. Couldn't just see your post and then read and run

I’m still stuck with the flat phones that suddenly worked.

And the ‘different consultants’. Consultants are booked solid, so seeing even 2 different ones on the same day is a level of logistics I’ve yet to see in anything but life threatening emergencies. Did you go to A and E?

I’m unsure why you’re being so vague with your symptoms - nothing you’ve said points any more to MS than dozens of other things. What is relapsing/remitting? With MS this is very specific new, noticeable symptoms that then stop. Distinct from feeling rough for a bit, or developing an achey finger.

You say you feel very unwell - in what way? What specialists departments were you seen in, what tests? People are questioning your AIBU because you sound like a perfectly well person demanding her family treat her like she’s seriously ill and is processing terrible news.

If you are seriously ill I have found no punches are pulled, they give you all the facts as soon as they have them, without sugar. And generally things move at such a speed, Dr Google is redundant. I’m still yet to fully believe I’m now a cardiac patient with a damaged heart from a massive heart attack in April, and can’t wait until everyone stops acting like I’m ill!

Well BunnyFinger I think you're quite right.

Bad news is never sugar-coated in hospitals.

I hope your friends and relations soon stop with the unwanted sympathy. It is very annoying.

Do you know when you should expect the results of your tests?

Thank you so much @ThatCurlyGirl

Op, was your DH with you all day at the hospital? If so, I can see why he didn't want to keep going over it after 12 hours

As to him going to work the next day, that's good, it helps keep normality for the kids, and would be expected by his employer.

okerrr I have had a brain tumour recently (have other things too) and it was 4 days between diagnosis and going home! I had surgery and SRS. If someone told me I was going to be so well afterwards I would not in a million years have believed them. I really hope your friend gets well looked after and is realising trashy magazines on the sofa really soon. She obviously has great friends and that is worth millions. Look after yourself too.

I think you're thinking the worst here when all this could be a very minor thing. Chill out (easier said than done if you're prone to worrying) and stop worrying that you're getting really ill or dying.

Gosh. You really are catastrophizing. That sounds quite difficult for you.

How you deal with the situation as a parent has a humongous affect on your mental health and the mental health of your children. I’ll give you a couple of examples so you can maybe see what I mean.

My dds friend came to my house and was talking about how worried she was about her mother. She had an unexplained event several months prior to this discussion, which might have been a stroke and a the few weeks off work due to her feeling fatigued. Nothing came up. I think she is getting more tired now, definitely more grouchy from what her dd says, but nothing, which is stopping her from working in a demanding job and cleaning the car by hand of a weekend and going on active holidays. She about 50 and works 12 hour shifts a fair drive away, has older children and is an active grandma etc. She actually told her tween dd she may have MS but this was ruled out. I don’t understand why she had to prepare her children for something, which never happened. This poor kid has been really impacted and from the way the girl talked I think she is constantly monitoring her mother as if she’s going to die.

I sat there wide eyed because the girl was talking about how worried she is about her mum as if it is some kind of massive trauma because of dr google. Meanwhile my dd is dealing with me, a mummy, who was incredibly ill last year that by the time I had major surgery I literally didn’t care if I died on the table - not that dd knew of course - and got all my affairs in order half hoping to die. I have since had a second extensive surgery, been chronically ill, often bedridden for so long dd cannot remember me another way.

My life is and has been fucking tough. I’m disabled and the recovery from the second surgery is totally fucking with my mental health in a way the first didn’t. Yet my dd lives a relatively normal life. Yes, she monitors me a lot because there is a very real danger I’ll be ill on a short shopping trip. She saw a child psychologist some years ago because my health was affecting her and as a result dds mental health is now pretty robust now.

If you do have MS, you are obviously both going to need to make adjustments and come to terms with a diagnosis. However it will be really helpful for everyone including yourself if you could find away to stop your damaging and intrusive thoughts.

I’ve had a lot of therapy. It sounds like you need to talk this through in a way that your dh cannot. Therefore I think it would be a good idea to find a therapist to talk this through. Do you have the funds to pay for one?