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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCatsACunt · 19/08/2019 21:15

No concerns for the emotional well-being of your kids, no? More of a financial niggle, is it?

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:21

I noticed that too Cats. She's a stay at home mum raising your kids, not a member of staff you're paying.
She can date who she wants and that has nothing to do with the life choices you both made in her being a SAHM.

If you don't care about the relationship ending, why do you have a problem with her moving on?

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:21

@TheCatsACunt

Don't follow. My stbxw might be a lot of things but a shit mother is not one of them. Obviously the kids are totally abstracted from this and have no view of her private relationship. It's not like she's bringing the guy back home? Don't understand your point?

OP posts:
Kinkybutkind · 19/08/2019 21:21

“best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out” ugh, what a horrid way to refer to your wife carrying, birthing and nurturing your children. You will be financially responsible for your children even if she divorces you, keeps the house and moves her new partner in... I think your priorities are a little askew here.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 19/08/2019 21:22

the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out

TBH with your turn of phrase, Im not sure why she didn't leave earlier

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:23

@finnmcool
Well actually she's raising OUR kids. And although she's not a member of staff neither am I a slave to fund her dating lifestyle.

Thanks for your input though.

OP posts:
finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:25

Cats was looking at your priorities, not the mother's.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:25

@IAskTooManyQuestions

Because every women on here who's husband has left her and torn apart the family is spoken of in the highest, most respectful terms.

Ok

OP posts:
TheCatsACunt · 19/08/2019 21:26

It's not like she's bringing the guy back home?

So what does the fact that she lives in the family home have to do with it?

What do you think she should do- not date anyone until you want her to?

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:26

Would you have a problem if instead of dating, it was girls nights out?
You are funding her because she isn't working, she's a SAHM.
What exactly do you expect/want in this situation?

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:28

@finnmcool

Priorities don't mean I can't have other thoughts. Of course my children are the priority. As I am sure they are hers too. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to question other aspects of the separation.

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 19/08/2019 21:28

If you have a problem with it then move out?

yeraballoon · 19/08/2019 21:29

I don't follow? Is she asking you for extra money to pay for these dates?

Stressedout10 · 19/08/2019 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Croquembou · 19/08/2019 21:30

Honestly, this site. Imagine if these genders were reversed. My goodness.

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:30

Don't @ me.
Your main issue in your op was a man, hence my comment on your priorities.
Did you read my last question?

SweatyUnderboob · 19/08/2019 21:31

The thread title and initial post make it seem like the new man is involved way more than he is. She hasn't moved him in! YABU I'm afraid.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:31

@TheCatsACunt

Frustration is that we'd agreed we'd stay in the house and leave our finances as they were until at least Christmas. I personally feel that it's too soon to be putting energy into a new relationship when there are so many other important things to resolve. Still living in the family home just makes it more visible etc. Given the name of this topic I am obviously asking for an opinion.

OP posts:
finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:32

She's not doing anything wrong and she's allowed to move on.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/08/2019 21:32

I think that it's time to move on. You have another thread talking about residency etc for your children, it's clear that the current situation is untenable - so move it on. Start mediation to talk about what happens to the DCs, get the house on the market. Both of you living in the same house isn't going to work. Don't sit there and stew in it.

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:33

As are you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/08/2019 21:33

X post but why wait? She is moving on with her life (and it's not your business that she is doing so) so it's time to move on with yours.

yeraballoon · 19/08/2019 21:34

Personally I wouldn't date someone while living with my husband but I think that's a separate issue to the money.

If you had asked if you were being unreasonable to feel upset as your wife had moved on more quickly than you, you may have had different responses.

FlyingByToo · 19/08/2019 21:35

At some stage you agreed to her being a SAHM? How long ago was that? Did she give up an established career to do that? At that time you obviously felt that her being a SAHM was best for her and your children. What’s changed? Do you really think that asking your children to settle into a new regime of childcare with both parents working and largely unavailable weekdays would be in your children’s best interests while the come to terms with their parents split?

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:36

The girls night out analogy is very silly. If you're happily married and your wife goes out with her friends do you have an issue vs if she is dating another man. The context is important!

She's not asking for extra money, but she's using money I work my absolute arse off in a job I don't like or enjoy and have done so for years to enable her to be a SAHM. So damn me if I feel a bit bitter!

I didn't mean to mislead with my OP.

OP posts: