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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HauntedPinecone · 20/08/2019 13:01

Misogyny is laced through every post this OP makes.

It is SEX, not gender.

The women who 'white knight' for male posters on here - what do you get from it? Do you think that these MRA types see you as a better sort of woman? They don't you know. They might throw you a few crumbs from the table, but they don't see you as any different.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2019 13:08

You aren’t paying for her to date. You’re paying to have someone managing your family home and looking after your children, just as you were before you split. Your issue is that you are a misogynist, who thinks he was paying for sex.

This is how I read it too.

NameChangeNugget · 20/08/2019 13:20

She sounds like a right piece of work.

YANBU

Upanddownandroundagain · 20/08/2019 13:21

I agree with previous posters - separate financially. Pay the mortgage and bills until the house is sold, which needs to be ASAP, but don’t give her anything else. No spending money. Yes fine she wants to be a sahm, but she isn’t in a relationship any more, she doesn’t have that luxury.

AngryFeminist · 20/08/2019 14:04

@justbeingadad you are being unreasonable in some respects, but it's kind of reasonable to be unreasonable when you're ending a relationship - your emotions are all over the place and it's hard to work out where to put them. The way I see it from what you've said:

1.yanbu to be very hurt by her starting a 'relationship' while still living as a family. In your shoes, it would feel so callous and I'd worry her energy was going into something way down the priority scale from the most important relationships right now, ie you as co parents and your kids (that's without considering all the practical matters).

  1. You cannot let any of the above cloud what you need to do now, which is to centre your kids. You know this, you've said this, but you really do have to separate out the emotions from what is best for them in the future. As part of that, accept that you did make the decision for them to have a sahp together, and that regardless of how 'nice' it made your wife's life, the principal beneficiaries are and were your children. Be proud that you gave them that.
  1. You have a broken heart and a dented faith in humanity. Neither will be healed through a connectionless fuck with someone you hooked up with on godforsaken Tinder, especially if you only joined because she did. Delete the app, get your family and friends around you and a good therapist. Work through all the shit and come out the other side. Don't do what she is doing and try to distract yourself with someone you selected like an online shopping product.

Good luck to you.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 14:21

@AngryFeminist

Thanks. All stuff I knew I guess, but nice to have it reaffirmed and rwmmed down my throat again. It's hard to lose sight sometimes of what is important.

OP posts:
Scorpiovenus · 20/08/2019 14:35

Be liberated then she found someone else. not emotionally manipulate her with money as she is going on dates AND most men pay for the first couple of dates anyways so you are being unreasonable and not as ok as you say you are with it.

Pumperthepumper · 20/08/2019 15:27

I don’t understand how her working results in you being able to cut your hours back and no longer travel. She would have to make up the deficit in your salary plus childcare, which would be a significant salary for someone who doesn’t have a career.

fotheringhay · 20/08/2019 15:51

I've been in the mirror image of this position - xh moved on to another woman immediately while still living in our house, me paying the bills.

I was gutted to be honest, felt rejected, broken-hearted and absolutely emotionally lost. However, I could see that morally he was doing nothing wrong.

greenyellowredblue · 21/08/2019 05:38

The women who 'white knight' for male posters on here - what do you get from it? Do you think that these MRA types see you as a better sort of woman? They don't you know. They might throw you a few crumbs from the table, but they don't see you as any different.

Agreed. The misogyny is likely a huge contributing factor in the breakdown of their marriage.

Coyoacan · 21/08/2019 05:59

Stop sharing your money with her. Pay for everything for you and your children, but she doesn't get any of your money to spend on herself

That's not the way it works. The woman in question is a SAHM of two small children. If she can't look after them because she has to go out to work, the OP would have to pay someone else to look after them. Also, even if she has never been ambitious, she still would be earning more now if she had stayed in work, rather than what she would earn just starting.

Basing myself on the OP, she is doing nothing wrong, but even if she had been unfaithful during the marriage, that would not affect what she is legally entitled to.

dustarr73 · 21/08/2019 08:27

That's not the way it works. The woman in question is a SAHM of two small children. If she can't look after them because she has to go out to work, the OP would have to pay someone else to look after them. Also, even if she has never been ambitious, she still would be earning more now if she had stayed in work, rather than what she would earn just starting.

But she doesnt have that luxury anymore.SHE LEFT THE MARRIAGE
Sorry for shouting,just people seem to ignore that fact.She cant carry on being a sahp.The relationship changed,thats just the crux of it.

Plus if she got a job,the op says he could change his work.So maybe he could be home more.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/08/2019 08:37

The misogyny is likely a huge contributing factor in the breakdown of their marriage.

Absolutely this. From what's been posted on here the attitude of OP is probably a huge portion of why things deteriorated. He appears to feel that his earnings were his, neatly forgetting that she enabled him to work by doing the childcare he would otherwise have had to fork out (a damn sight more) for.

It's funny the amount of people who regard the person they once loved as a financial burden. You chose to have children. You chose to marry this person. Resentment building up like this means your future co-parenting is going to be a huge challenge and to be brutally honest, you're allowed to dislike her, you're allowed to never think highly of her if you like, but your DC will grow up knowing and seeing how you treat one another and it will impact upon them.

Tit for tat and unkindness will eat away at you both. Make sure your desire to control her actions doesn't come before your children's happiness. I cannot tell you how happy my 13 year old is when his Dad and extended family is able to spend Christmas with us, or on his Birthday when both families are able to spend time together celebrating the boy we all love.

Applejack5 · 21/08/2019 08:43

Surely if she can't look after the children because she has to go to work then OP has to pay half of the cost of childcare (not all of it), because they're both parents' responsibility and they're not in a relationship any more. She is not legally entitled to have OP pay all the bills forever because she's been a SAHM while they were in a relationship.

They did agree to carry on as they've been financially until Christmas though, so can understand her not getting a job yet etc. That's why it'd be best to split it all now.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 21/08/2019 08:52

@FudgeBrownie2019

If any of what you said was true, I'd wholly agree with your attitude towards me.

However this isn't about money. She's never ever been a financial burden. She's always been able to freely spend what she wants and I've never ever tried to stop her. The money absolutely was not mine. It was ours. We had equal rights to it.

Now that we're separated, we agreed this would continue until Christmas. I had no concerns or issues with this arrangement and it's a lot more laid back and amicable than a large proportion of men would be in this situation.

What I felt was unreasonable was her entering into a new relationship and by proxy extending our family income to her new relationship. We had clearly agreed that we would maintain a family unit, although not a marriage, until at least Christmas.

I have a very pragmatic attitude towards the financial settlement and I am not looking to come out of it with any capital really.

I am unsure what you've read but clearly I do not have these opinions you suggest.

OP posts:
RonnieScotts · 21/08/2019 08:52

I'd get the finances sorted and get yourselves into separate homes ASAP. It is pretty toxic to be dating so soon under your STBXH nose. Don't play control games because you are hurt, be fair, decent and put the DC first, once you have extracted yourself from this environment you will begin to heal.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/08/2019 09:23

her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage
I have no respect for my wife now. She deserves none
Why can't I hate my wife?
It's a vile situation because her having a bf now taints every judgement I make.

These are your words. Yours. You obviously don't like the woman. So leave. Proceed with a divorce. But don't sit there on your cross pretending to be the victim without any power or choices; you have plenty.

The whole "but I wanted to do this" is moot because it's not worked out that way. The reality right now is she's in a relationship even if it's not what you wanted and you have to make decisions based on what's happened, not on what you wanted.

Figgygal · 21/08/2019 09:30

Christmas is going to feel like a really long time away if you continue with this arrangement. I think you need to consult your solicitor now as the arrangement is no longer working for you need to look at separating financially as quickly as possible and she needs to start thinking about how she is going to finance this out once that has happened has she discussed getting a job yet? I agree with others she no longer has the luxury to remain a stay at home parent so needs to make long term plans but yes while this situation continues she canspend her money how she pleases

MarshaBradyo · 21/08/2019 09:37

Your arrangement won’t work

Once the marriage is over it’s difficult to hold people to promises

Move forward and separate

beccarocksbaby · 21/08/2019 09:46

You say that you think it's too early to be investing time etc into a new relationship but you're on tinder because she's dating? So you don't "miss out"? Sounds quite tit for tat and petty tbh. Why not stick by your own principals?

Most times when people break up someone has moved on mentally already: not necessarily to someone else but just that the end is nigh. They tend to move on faster as they've already grieved.

Have some dignity and follow your own path here. You're not missing anything. You're likely to screw up anything you do jump into as you're not ready (which you alluded to yourself) and the main people who will suffer are your children whether you realise it or not.

If you feel you're bankrolling her dates then you need to start considering your finances as that's an very controlling statement. Your wife gave up her chance at an independent career to raise the children, whilst you had the opportunity to develop yours. You'll be supporting your children via her for a long period of time. You don't get to say what she spends that money on or how she sees fit. It's likely even as primary carer you would end up supporting her in some way. That's overlooking that she would have rights to claim spousal support.

You either need to detach your brain from the money situation or change how you're dealing with it or you're going to have it eat you up.

Breakups are hard on everyone but they don't have to be this competitive

beccarocksbaby · 21/08/2019 09:47

Oh I missed the bit about her not having a career/wanting one. I guess in that case you knew what you were signing up for. If you couldn't tolerate it essentially the marriage was incompatible for a long time.

beccarocksbaby · 21/08/2019 09:52

right now, she gets absolutely all the positives and more and I get zero. She gets all the same benefits of a SAHM, she gets total financial freedom, she is out of her "shitty" marriage, she is seeing some new guy, she literally has no negatives now.

Do you genuinely think having no control of her financial situation and knowing that you could take it away at any second is not a downside? Or living with someone who clearly feels very aggrieved by past decisions he's made not eliciting utter commitment from her?

Your financial contribution is just that. It doesn't give control over her actions. If you're not happy with it change it. I know you said that you'd leave everything till Christmas but as you've seen from marriage, things change. If it's not doable then it's not doable.

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2019 10:05

Plus if she got a job,the op says he could change his work.So maybe he could be home more.

This has been asked a few times but never answered - how can the OP get a new job or reduce his hours by his ex getting a job? Her job would have to pay enough to cover childcare PLUS any deficit in his wage. OP said she doesn’t have a career. What is this job she can magically slip into that ticks all those boxes?

magoria · 21/08/2019 10:27

She is trying to do what is best for her. The agreement doesn't work now.

Go and get some legal advise. Start the ball rolling on the divorce, selling the house and financial separation.

You don't have to wait for her permission to do so plus it is going to take time.

Work out what you need to pay for the house, bills and for the DC and put the rest of your salary into your account.

The status quo can't continue. She needs to make her financial decisions based on her income and child support. As long as you provide for your DC and they are looked after she is now her own responsibility.

dustarr73 · 21/08/2019 10:45

This has been asked a few times but never answered - how can the OP get a new job or reduce his hours by his ex getting a job? Her job would have to pay enough to cover childcare PLUS any deficit in his wage. OP said she doesn’t have a career. What is this job she can magically slip into that ticks all those boxes?

Because he wont have to work away as much.The op explained this.Anyway dc are entitled to free childcare as they are 3.Also the dc have been going to paid childcare already.

She hasnt had a career because she didnt want one.Thats down to her.