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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mooncuplanding · 19/08/2019 22:45

Just crack on with the divorce. There's no need to drag it out.

She'll have to get a job once you separate your lives, spousal maintenance will be very limited for her these days.

Christmas might have been the original plan, but things change.

FWIW I don't think YABU, but also classic 'separation behaviour' - people go a bit mad! Just get going on the divorce.

justasking111 · 19/08/2019 22:45

Maybe now is the time to take stock of your career. You are not happy there either. Find something that you do enjoy getting up in the morning for, it may not be as well paid, but hey no pockets in shrouds as an old farmer once told me. Your wife can then either work to develop her business or get a job doing something else.

If you were a new product I would be doing a five year marketing plan. So think of yourself as a new person and do your own plan.

MaeveDidIt · 19/08/2019 22:50

I think it is totally understandable that you are very upset by her actions given the very quick turn of events.
I hope you have read Elieza's posts - he/she gives a very insightful and positive view on your situation.

Palaver1 · 19/08/2019 22:50

People deal with the death of a marriage in different ways.
Would responses be different if it were a woman writing this about her stbxh.
I understand where your coming from but there isn’t anything much that can be done.she a free spirit if you get what I mean.
Best to get a divorce

howyoulikemenow · 19/08/2019 22:51

If you're still living in the house and sharing finances it's going to be difficult for her to have entirely her own money isn't it? She could claim benefits as a single person even though you still live together but I'd personally feel worried to do that as it sounds a bit suspect, and I'd be scared that I'd get the benefits people on my case.

The only real solution is someone moves out so you can both move on and there's no bitterness about money. Or she does the above, then you cant accuse her of being 'paid' by you.

Muzzyarker · 19/08/2019 22:51

You are going to get mainly negative responses. According to the majority on this site all men are dicks, pricks, bastards and worse and women should LTB at first sign of male partner not being under the thumb. If a woman posted this she would get massive support. I feel for you. Maybe you should move on also.

howyoulikemenow · 19/08/2019 22:53

People who move on quickly are not necessarily just scared to be alone, it can just be the fact that the marriage was dead for a while and so when it comes to separation they are already ready to meet someone new! Lots of people struggle on for years trying to make dead marriages work, I know I did.

userxx · 19/08/2019 22:58

I get that but is it really necessary to start dating so soon? Why not wait until you are living separately and things are a bit more sorted.

AllosaurusMum · 19/08/2019 22:58

If I were you I’d start looking for a job that won’t have you away so much. She’s left the marriage, she needs to sort out her own finances now. I also wouldn’t wait until Christmas. It sounds like you’re used to her calling all the shots, but you don’t need to do what she wants. It seems like it only benefits her to delay filling.

Hithere12 · 19/08/2019 23:03

Everyone who hates on dad's who critique SAHM fail to miss one critical piece of information. In a large protion of situations, the man does not want to be the sole provider. He does not want the insanely extreme pressure of the financial responsibility

Actually a lot of (decent) men are happy to provide for their family. If you hate your job maybe don’t have kids until you find a career you’re fulfilled in? You’d hardly be better off with two kids in full time nursary financially anyway!

Being a SAHP is not a hobby ffs!! My sister went back to work for a rest after finding being a SAHP too much.

You sound like a nightmare tbh I don’t have kids yet but I’d run a mile with someone with your attitude.

justasking111 · 19/08/2019 23:05

I think no matter how dead the marriage is it is normal to grieve OP. We all start with such high hopes when young and in love.

MarshaBradyo · 19/08/2019 23:06

One side dating will hasten things no doubt, best to move on as you can

WhyBirdStop · 19/08/2019 23:17

@Hithere12 the nineteen fifties called, they want their attitudes back. Being a sole provider is not what makes a 'decent man'. No one should ever feel obliged to be a sole provider just as no one should ever feel obliged to be a SAHP. Maybe if she worked and the OP could've worked closer to home for less money, their relationship wouldn't have fallen apart. Men are not cash machines. I have never and would never expect a partner to financially support me, especially in a situation where it made them unhappy and took them away from their children.

Hithere12 · 19/08/2019 23:24

the nineteen fifties called, they want their attitudes back

You think looking after young kids and not shoving them in nursary is the “nineteen fifties” 😂

I have never and would never expect a partner to financially support me

Congratulations 🎉 except he has two kids and she had no career so it would have likely cost them MORE to use childcare than for her to be a SAHP. You do realise she’s looking after their kids and not a lady of leisure?

He made the decision to have kids with a woman with no career who wanted to be a SAHP, if he wasn’t happy with that arrangement then he shouldn’t have agreed to it. You can’t be bitter about it years after the decision.

Swellerellamoo · 19/08/2019 23:30

I'm sorry you're going through this op. It is a horribly difficult time and not made easier by dating while living in the shared home.

I'd come off tinder and try to be the bigger person till the house and contact arrangements are sorted.

It is awful but she is free to date, if pretty inappropriate timings imo.

Moondancer73 · 19/08/2019 23:35

You're asking for an opinion, and getting one! Why ask if you then object to those opinions? Since you deem it fit to speak of the mother of your children in such a derogatory fashion I'd say she's well shot and that her dating another man already could only be a positive thing - she can get a life of her own. Maybe if you don't like it you should just move out and let her and the children do their own thing?!

73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 23:35

I really hope that everyone who has hated me on this thread can understand why her now abusing (in my opinion) that luxury to date other men so so soon after leaving is beyond painful from my point of view.

I thought what you said was horrid but I do not hate you. This is also a horrid thing to say though. To suggest that if you had made different decisions about your finances (Yes, you made the decision re: SAHM too) it would be OK for her to date but because you 'are funding it' it's not is really awful. Can you not see that? This would be the same if the gender roles were reversed and I say that as the main breadwinner (and woman) in my husband and my relationship. I do not fund him. We are a partnership.

I have empathy for you in terms of how hard is must be to have your ex dating someone else when it's such early days and you did not really want the split. This must be horrid but this does not give you the right to talk about the financial aspects of it like this. I think if you could see that and talk more respectfully about your ex you would find a lot more sympathy here. If you do want to use this forum to better yourself, I really urge you to take a step back and look at what you're saying.

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhyBirdStop · 19/08/2019 23:40

@Hithere12 DH and I are managing to both work full time, consolidated hours and only need to 'shove' our child into nursery one day a week. The OP was clearly unhappy at being away from his children so much, I would never expect my husband to be away from our son so I didn't have to work, SHE chose not to have a career prior to having children, which is her call, there are plenty of unskilled jobs and paid for childcare. They may only have broken even but at least the children would have time with their father.
It would've been ok for her to say 'being a SAHP isn't for me, I'm going back to work I need your support', so it should also be ok for him to say, 'being sole provider is too much for me and I miss the children, working away so much, so I need your support'.

Swellerellamoo · 19/08/2019 23:42

Sorry @justbeingadad that's just plain ole misogyny.

I'm sure you're hurting but please take a look at the way you're talking. It's just not ok.

73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 23:45

there are plenty of unskilled jobs and paid for childcare. They may only have broken even but at least the children would have time with their father.

But often in unskilled work the family are no better off if someone works and has to pay childcare during their working hours. So would this have made a difference really? I guess if the OP had been willing (or able, I know it's not always possible) to work part-time that may have been a potential scenario but he has not said that this was an option which she refused to consider. It appears that he was happy enough with the arrangement until his ex started spending money in ways he does not consider appropriate.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 23:45

@73Sunglasslover

We were a partnership. She has made the decision to leave the marriage and at the moment accepted none of the consequences of that decision.

I have no respect for my wife now. She deserves none. I do have respect for her as a mother though. The two are unrelated in most contexts.

I never ever "funded" her when we were together. She wanted to go on holiday with her friends, great, book a holiday, enjoy yourself. Sadly I missed the part about saying sleeping with other guys wasn't appropriate but I assumed that was a given Grin

Why can't I hate my wife? She has torn apart our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 23:48

@Swellerellamoo

Where's your outage at the people on the first few pages of this thread?

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 23:49

You can totally hate your wife and many people in your position would. She has hurt you. People often hate others who hurt us in order to protect ourselves.

You can hate your wife and still talk about all of this in a respectful way.

You are in the very complicated stage of starting to separate our your finances more. This will take time. Whilst that is being sorted this kind of situation may arise. You can intensely dislike it. You can hate it. You can see it as something you would not do yourself. But that is all very different than saying you are funding it.

And the sleeping with other guys - that started after you separated from what you say. It's not being unfaithful as you are not a couple now. That's a harsh thing to hear I expect, but I expect that you also know that to be the truth.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 23:50

@73Sunglasslover

No shit! I wouldn't have issues with her spending money in ways I thought were appropriate would I!

OP posts:
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