Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

[justbeingadad]

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

If you feel so strongly then cut off the extras. You could use CMS to work out the bare minimum to give her for the kids and supplement the rest when they are with you, or take her to court for 50/50 contact and not pay anything.

@Teddybear45

I wouldn't do that, that would just cruel and nasty and spiteful of me. She's perfectly entitled to a life and a social life and I have no issue with that coming from joint family money. I just don't feel spending that money on dating another guy so soon is appropriate. I can't and wouldn't stop her doing it, but that doesn't mean I need to agree with it.

How much exactly do you think she is spending op on this guy? Have your outgoings increased?

Because he wont have to work away as much.The op explained this.Anyway dc are entitled to free childcare as they are 3.Also the dc have been going to paid childcare already.

How much free childcare do they get at three? In Scotland it’s 15 hours. Has the OP said he’s going to stop travelling and become a SAHD for the rest of the week? Who picks them up/drops them off? Can the OP suggest a job that works around childcare, can be done after a career break of six years and provides enough money to make up a deficit of a significant wage cut?

She didn’t want a career, fine. But staying at home with your children is still a job, that’s why it’s so expensive when you pay other people to do it.

She didn’t want a career, fine. But staying at home with your children is still a job, that’s why it’s so expensive when you pay other people to do it.

I know its a job,i do it myself.But if dp and i broke up i would have to get a job.I wouldnt have the luxury of being able to stay home.

Seems like the op pulls his weight with the kids.So they would just have to work around it.Like everybody else does.

Seems like the op pulls his weight with the kids.So they would just have to work around it.Like everybody else does.

That’s very easy to say, but actually, the practicalities of it are not that simple. My point is that her getting a job doesn’t automatically lead to him being able to drop his work hours, or change his job. But the OP won’t answer any questions about it, or acknowledge it.

How easy would it be for you to go back to work next week? Do you have family that can pick up the childcare? Do you have the earning potential to cover any childcare costs plus run a house and cover bills/food alone? Can your husband afford to drop time at work to get significant custody of his children? I think very few SAHP can just jump back into it, and the ability to do that gets harder with every passing year.

I see you dodged my question as to whether you had consulted with a solicitor. You have been advised wisely on here to get that underway.

You want to be a doormat and just vent on here that is fine. I do wonder if that is one reason why your relationship failed because you vacillate so much. You wouldn`t be a civil servant would you?

It's perfectly reasonable human response for the OP to feel that it's really shitty behaviour....the STBXW going on dates, possibly 'treating' her new boyfriend to a meal, or maybe treating herself to a new haircut, outfit, bikini wax etc. To impress her new BF, all with money from their joint bank account, earned by the DH. It's a very bitter pill to swallow. All this going on while she's living under the same roof, their family home (probably leaving the children in his care while peruses her new man)

His head tells him it's family money, she looks after his DC and deserves money for herself, but in the throes if a break up, and only 4 months in! It's perfectly understandable that he's finding this hard.

Personally I think the STBXW is playing games and trying to duck with his head.

Forget waiting until Christmas, that isn't working. Move on now - as she has done. See a lawyer and get everything settled.

Firstly, get legal advice. Initiate divorce.

I feel you should separate finances. Set up a separate account and put money into joint account for mortgage, bills and for the children.

It is not your responsibility to pay for her leisure activities and I don't believe you should be funding her SAHP lifestyle any longer.

Living together is no longer feasible.

*However this isn't about money. She's never ever been a financial burden. She's always been able to freely spend what she wants and I've never ever tried to stop her. The money absolutely was not mine. It was ours. We had equal rights to it.

What I felt was unreasonable was her entering into a new relationship and by proxy extending our family income to her new relationship. *

You made it about money in your first post here. I don't think anyone else would have mentioned finances if you hadn't talked about it first.

And can you clarify why you think that she is paying more than her fair share on these dates? If they go out for a drink and buy a round each, she's paying for 2 drinks and drinking 2 drinks. What makes you think your family income is in any way subsidizing the new boyfriend?