Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

[justbeingadad]

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

You haven't bought her OP, you don't own her in any way.

The mistake IMO was continuing to live together - often disastrous.

Dating someone new is a good distraction and fun after leaving an unwanted/dead/negative relationship.

You can pay maintenance and childcare instead if it makes you feel better.

I think it's quite soon to start dating anyone and I definitely don't think its a good idea for either of you to be dating whilst living under the same roof however you are not together and so you can both do what you want.
I think you need to arrange one of you moving out sooner than you had planned.

converseandjeans Mon 19-Aug-19 22:11:25
YANBU
I think if you were a woman posting you would get a different response. It seems unfair she has refused to work since you had kids - why should you work away doing a job you hate so she can stay at home? It is much easier being home than working

But apparently that's not true? she has her own business that the OP failed to mention until a poster brought it up from a previous thread of OP's. She's saving OP hundred's of £££ in child care fees - he wouldn't be able to work full time unless hiring a childminder/nursery. Absolutely pees me off so much how lowly SAHP worth is ridiculed - I was a single parent who worked full time from my son being 2 years old - I thank my lucky stars I had my parents to take care of him while I worked as I absolutely wouldn't have been able to afford the child care.

You don't even like her.
In fact, you clearly greatly resent her as a person and I doubt that's new.

Of course she's dating other men.

She probably felt like it was time to climb off your dusty shelf and get living.

Maybe her date is paying?

It sounds like you’re angry at her that she never thought your marriage was good enough no matter how hard you tried, you’re envious of how quickly she’s moved on and how unfair that is while you’re still stunned and hurting, and to add to it she’s having what appears to be a jolly good time with some dude while not working and spending your hard earned cash.

Lots of heavy duty emotions there.

But the reality is that shes perhaps never been the one for you. Did you consider that she’s just dating this dude so she doesn’t feel the pain of splitting up her marriage? It won’t work though and she will face the pain eventually. Probably when this rebound relationship is over and she’s alone. At which point you will have emotionally moved on and will no longer be hurt by her so it won’t matter. Start thinking of this as an opportunity. You will no longer have to try and please her and watch her never being satisfied with things. You can do what you want. You have a fresh start. This is s beginning. Once the children and money is sorted you will feel much less aggrieved. Don’t rush out and date women yet though please, that would be wrong as you’re not in the right headspace. You will just use them and could hurt them. They don’t deserve that. Just get to grips with being temporarily on your own and use the time to improve yourself. Physically and mentally. Even if it’s just a walk round the park after work on the way home and stop eating crap. That works for me when I’m fed up or hurting emotionally. Ps improving your fitness is not to make your ex jealous. We could all improve ourselves and physical exercise can release endorphins that benefit our health. Things will sort themselves out. Who knows, this could be the best thing that happens to you.

OP, I think the problem is that you are all still living together. I think as long as you are all living together this is going to continue to be an issue for you. Why are you waiting until Christmas? What are your plans after Christmas?

@mummmy2017

I appreciate what you're saying, but I look after my children more than enough to fully appreciate how hard a SAHM role is, I also spend more than enough time away from them to know that no matter how hard SAHM is, its less mentally draining than realising you're missing critical parts of your children's life and watching your children beg you not to go away is soul destroying.

I'm very fortunate that I get to spend lots (relatively) of great quality time with time. I was away all weekend with them for example.

Like dropping a slab of meat in shark infested water and expecting it to still be there a day later. 🙄

My god I m totally done with mn. Reverse the sexes and would pp,s answers still be the same. Not on your life.

I really feel for you OP.

It sounds to me as though you really could do with not living in the same house. Christmas seems too far away in this situation.

What are the actual plans at Christmas?

OP, try and ignore the kicking you're getting. If the genders were reversed you would be getting nowt but sympathy.

You need to move on the divorce as fast as possible. And don't moan about how much you hate your job, men always do that when they grudge paying for their children - not a good look.

boopboop he has made it clear he isn't especially keen on his job. He would rather they both work do he could be home more. So it's not the case that he is chasing some big career to suit himself. More that he has agreed to do this job to enable his wife to stay home as she wanted to.
If they both worked then they would just use childcare like the rest of us.
Why should he spend time away from home to make more money when he would be prepared to work for less money and be able to be home more with his children?
Why do people assume SAHM are forced into being one?

I personally feel that it's too soon to be putting energy into a new relationship

You don't get to make that decision on her behalf.

Sounds shit all round, I think it's harsh of her to be dating already.
Hope you are looking after The kids

@boopboopeedoop
Let's get some terms straight here....

In one breath my salary is equally hers to spend.

In the next breath, she is saving me money in child care. Surely she is saving US money?

Everyone who hates on dad's who critique SAHM fail to miss one critical piece of information. In a large protion of situations, the man does not want to be the sole provider. He does not want the insanely extreme pressure of the financial responsibility.

He does not demand or expect his wife to be a SAHM.

Regarding my wife's business. I neglected to mention it for various reasons, but mainly because

1. Its not profitable and the joint family money set it up, and funded it and she never paid anything back yet keeps the proceeds. It was always done and started as a hobby which may not make a total loss.

1. She keeps all the earnings herself yet takes the same money from the joint account each month as she did before the business and regardless of how much she makes each month.

She essentially has a paid for hobby. She is certainly growing it in the right direction towards being a profitable business, but until now, that's simply not the case.

I just can't accept she has done it so quickly and while we're still, sort of a family unit. In the early days of our separation we did lots of things still as a family for the children, however since she met this guy she literally won't be in the same room as me. I genuinely feel its had a negative impact on the family

I absolutely get that OP - but you're really doing yourself no favours saying you're funding her dates and you're the sole provider. You're not - whether you agree or not, and you seemed to agree, she's a SAHP. When she goes out to work you will be equally responsible for childcare. You've also omitted the fact she has her own business and I'm sure that some of that income would benefit your children.

My DH is a STHD
I hate my job, literally hate it. But I want my DH to be happy, he’s never had a career as such.
He’s left me, and started dating someone else whilst we are still together.

Is he a cockloger? Or is he someone whose sacrificed his life for his family.

Look at the end of the day, you’re not suited. You need to physically separate ASAP.

You sound like a peach. Pushed our babies out. Nice.

Wonder why she left?

@Supersimpkin
Definitely not my intention not to pay for the kids. You'll see if you read another thread that I said I'm uninterested in how much money I come out with after the divorce as my ability to grt back ony feet far outweighs hers and the kids need two decent homes. Regardless of what I think of her.

I think your feelings are understandable, because splitting up is a traumatic time that throws up lots of difficult emotions. But wondering about whether they are ‘reasonable’ isn’t a fruitful way to spend your time. The two of you need to live separately and finalise finances and child residency arrangements ASAP. Living together when you’ve split up is a really bad idea, unless you are in the unusual position of being completely amicable, which the two of you clearly aren’t. It increases bitterness and anger and this is likely to be disastrous for your children. Your tone is very bitter, which as I said above is entirely understandable, I sympathise, but it is also worrying and gives the impression that your relationship with your ex could boil over into frightening conflict.

I really urge you to move on so you can both form new relationships and rebuild your lives.

*justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 22:31:27
@boopboopeedoop
Let's get some terms straight here....

In one breath my salary is equally hers to spend.

In the next breath, she is saving me money in child care. Surely she is saving US money?

Everyone who hates on dad's who critique SAHM fail to miss one critical piece of information. In a large protion of situations, the man does not want to be the sole provider. He does not want the insanely extreme pressure of the financial responsibility.

He does not demand or expect his wife to be a SAHM.

Regarding my wife's business. I neglected to mention it for various reasons, but mainly because

1. Its not profitable and the joint family money set it up, and funded it and she never paid anything back yet keeps the proceeds. It was always done and started as a hobby which may not make a total loss.

1. She keeps all the earnings herself yet takes the same money from the joint account each month as she did before the business and regardless of how much she makes each month.

She essentially has a paid for hobby. She is certainly growing it in the right direction towards being a profitable business, but until now, that's simply not the case.*

Drip feed but yes, agreed after that it is unfair. I'll echo previous posters in that you need to formally separate, you need to move out get financial advice of what maintenance you're expected to pay.

You're really not coming across well!

I see that the situation is hurtful for you, it seems it would be best to try and sort out a more formal and physical split asap. You'll both benefit. It's not rocket science, she's probably thinking the same. Talk to her?

But you seem very entitled & hectoring, and whingy & sorry for yourself, all at once.

Pp had a good point about emotional labour.

The really sad thing is, until about a month ago (after she started dating but before I found out) things really were amicable. We had dinner together a lot, I'd cook, we'd have days out at weekends together. We'd watch TV together in the evenings and we'd be content. Sad that it had come to this, but at least content we were able to be mature and create a healthy environment for the children. Once she started dating her attitude significantly changed.

I think it's wrong of her to be dating already, some people just can't be on their own.