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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 19/08/2019 21:36

How are you funding her dating life? Are you giving her date money to take her out? She is going to date whether you like or not and in her free time. Just like you are free to date during your free time

namechangetheworld · 19/08/2019 21:37

Wow, sorry you're getting such kicking on here OP. I imagine if the gender roles were reversed the replies would be somewhat different.
YANBU.

Starlight456 · 19/08/2019 21:37

She is single and free to date .

If you can’t deal with it then it is time to sort of separating formally.

Chloemol · 19/08/2019 21:37

I think it’s time to move on, she can leave as it’s her who’s dating, you can then have custody of the kids and start a new life without her

CmdrCressidaDuck · 19/08/2019 21:38

Boy, would I love to hear your XW's version of your marriage and separation.

She can move on. You didn't buy her when she became a SAHM and you don't own her now. If the living and financial situation is no longer tenable, change it through the appropriate channels, including mediation, but her dating life is up to her.

Leaannb · 19/08/2019 21:38

What money is she using?

TheWildAndTheCurious · 19/08/2019 21:38

In your other post you say she has her own buns ness and makes a few hundred pounds a month. Maybe she's using that to 'fund her dating lifestyle'. You've come across as very selfish in both threads you've posted today.

Starlight456 · 19/08/2019 21:38

Just a question if you met someone would it be ok for you to date as the bread winnner?

TheWildAndTheCurious · 19/08/2019 21:38
  • business
yeraballoon · 19/08/2019 21:39

@Chloemol seriously? You don't think the parent that has had primary care for the children should continue to look after them?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 21:39

Hi OP

If the children arent affected then YABU. If she has introduced him to them or is dumping them all the time while she meets him then maybe youd have a point. Or if she was bringing him home when they were in bed and shagging him so you could hear, that would be a bit harsh.

But your post doesnt show that's the case, it actually seems to show that you think you can control or should be able to control her actions, because you bring in the money.

Presumably you will be paying her spousal maintenance and child support. This is legally required and partly for her benefit, as presumably you agreed between you for her to be a SAHP and this impacted on her career while giving you more flexibility and more earning power. And for the children's benefit as they need money to bring them up.

As long as she is a good mother and the kids are being well looked after then what she does with the money is absolutely none of your business. I dont know why you would think otherwise. You have split up, it's nothing to do with you.

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:40

My analogy was not silly. She can socialise with whoever she chooses to. Or are you putting conditions on her spends?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 21:40

*then YANBU the first paragraph should say

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:41

You still haven't said what you want/expect in this situation.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:42

@TheWildAndTheCurious

Yes you're correct, she does, however none of this money ever goes towards the family expenses. The way we've always split money has been we've allocated set amounts each, each month, she gets this still so she is actively taking money from the family to fund her dates.

I overall just think that given she's still living in the house and it's only 4 months, it's pretty unreasonable. Evidently I'm wrong though.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/08/2019 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

yeraballoon · 19/08/2019 21:44

Op looking at a post you put on a thread about tinder it seems like you're on tinder so I'm not sure you have a leg to stand on here?
You're jealous and that's fine but making it about money is silly. You've said she's not taking any extra money.

Choice4567 · 19/08/2019 21:44

Seems like you started another thread about the same thing because people didn’t give you the answer you were looking for. Doesn’t seem to be working on this thread either

Elieza · 19/08/2019 21:45

I agree with Lonny above. Sort out business with the house and children etc. That’s your main priority.

Personally I wouldn’t date someone while living in the family home ten seconds after I split with my husband, but not everyone is the same. Who knows what your ex is thinking but I think rebound relationships can be short lived. Id recommend to anyone being yourself for a while before dating to get your head straight but perhaps that’s just me.
Get stuff sorted out and get on with your life and don’t get dragged into her drama and letting it make you angry or bitter. It won’t help. She can date whomever she wishes as long as she keeps the children safe and away from any partners until the relationship is well established and doesn’t bring dates home to the current family house. Finances are something you need advice on. I wouldn’t be impressed if she was spending hundreds on fancy hotels for her fancy man, but if it’s not much and she’s working hard all day caring for your joint children she must be ‘earning’ something from the community budget the two of you have.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:45

@Starlight456

I absolutely would not have dated anyone while we still lived together, no. Now she's moved the goal posts I don't see why I should miss out, but it does feel somewhat wrong.

OP posts:
CmdrCressidaDuck · 19/08/2019 21:45

So she's using her own discretionary funds, except now they're not her discretionary funds in your opinion, they're for you to administer.

No. Renegotiate finances on the basis of a separation, fine, but money in her control is money in her control.

You are really not making a convincing case for yourself as an involved dad who puts the children's needs first, and I can't see it impressing a court much.

2cats2many · 19/08/2019 21:46

None of your business I'm afraid. YABU.

finnmcool · 19/08/2019 21:47

Just because you haven't moved on, doesn't mean she can't.
You stated she gave up on the marriage. That's your perception, what's her take?
You cannot hold her financially to ransom, think she should dance to your tune.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:47

@Elieza

Thanks. I guess this is where I am. I just wish she would focus on the now rather than the future. Sums up the whole marriage quite well actually. Was never content with the "now".

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 21:49

I think saying I'm essentially paying for her to date is hideous and really disrespectful. You made a decision for her to be at SAHM and for you to bring in the money. This is working as a partnership and is not funding her. She does not have to justify to you how she spends her money. If I were with someone who said something like that, I'd think about leaving them.......

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