Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

[justbeingadad]

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

Why is this site so hostile to men?

Personally, I think yabu to the extent that you can't control her actions and that she hasn't brought the new man home to meet the children (So no welfare concerns).

But YANBU to feel upset by her actions and your feelings are valid. If this was a reverse situation, and a husband had left his wife and was dating while still living together, before the marriage had completely unravelled, I'm pretty sure must mumsnet users would agree that the husband's behaviour was disrespectful. In fact my BIL did exactly that to his wife of 15 years, and his family were so disgusted with BILs behaviour and rallied around his ex wife. So on that front, YANBU to feel disrespected and weird about it.

Separately to your question, you might want to practise speaking about your soon to be ex wife in a more flattering manner, if only for your children's sake.

'She just gave up'

Just decided she couldn't be arsed one day? I wonder why?

Yes, I am on tinder but only since I discovered this relationship.

The reason I started this thread is because AIBU is much more appropriate place to discuss this.

I am very obviously not controlling her finances or her. Surely the very point of this topic is to become a better person by asking others opinions.

It's evident that I think she's unreasonable. I'd not have started this otherwise. It's equally evident I appear to be wrong. So what I'll do is accept that maybe I'm a bit sensitive about the subject and move on to more important things in our separation.

Quite why women on here can not be supportive of men going through a terribly hard time who only want to try and better themselves is beyond me.

Her "discretionary funds" are the result of me doing a job I hate working away from the family significantly, because she wanted to be a SAHM. She did not give up a career and she would never entertain the idea of going back to work so i did not have to work away and miss the family most weeks. So if I feel a bit resentful towards her now spending that money on another man, I think I'm perfectly entitled to.

You're thrilled that you're not together anymore, but she's not allowed to fuck anyone else. Basically.

Please.

When you consider that according to you she was so desperate to be a SAHM, why would she initiate a separation that would almost certainly force her back to work, I wonder, as well as leading to a downgrade in home and lifestyle? Just inexplicably "gave up" one day, eh? Completely out of the blue, financially torpedoed her own life? Curious.

Quite why women on here can not be supportive of men going through a terribly hard time who only want to try and better themselves is beyond me.

I'm sorry, OP, is our emotional charity labour not quite up to your high standards?

🤣💩🐒

We all have choices in life, you made yours. Why did you go along with something you are clearly unhappy with?
Did you converse about having kids? Why did you agree to supporting the family situation if you didn't want to?

She's not asking for extra money, but she's using money I work my absolute arse off in a job I don't like or enjoy and have done so for years to enable her to be a SAHM. So damn me if I feel a bit bitter!

Actually scrap my previous answer- you're being unreasonable and a twat to boot. You have two young children who she's raising and looking after- she's not a lady of leisure she's the stay at home parent of your two young children. And you've admitted she does a great job as a mum.

The money is family money given she has taken a career hit to do this and saved you thousands on childcare. Have you always been such a dick?

I'm not going to pile on with the disgust at your 'pushing babies out' comment - that's just vile OP but I think you probably get that now.

No, it's not ideal - it's fresh and it's raw but she has done nothing wrong and I can understand why you feel pissed off - no matter what anyone says you're human and I know would.

You are MASSIVELY unreasonable to claim you're paying for her to date the guy. She's saving you hundreds of pounds per month caring for your children. She owns her own business so you're being a bit economical with the truth saying she's a SAHM.

You cant control someone's right to have a private life. If other people want to get together, they will do so. You can't make it contingent on certain deadlines or events. You can try, but ultimately it will fail. Sometimes there is an overlap with one relationship ending and another beginning. But what can you do in practice? You can't exactly turn round and say that its not allowed. It happens to plenty of people. Upsetting, but there is an end in sight.

She did not give up a career and she would never entertain the idea of going back to work so i did not have to work away and miss the family most weeks.

But you presumably were attracted to a woman with little or no career ambitions. I have little sympathy for men who complain about this - its not as if there aren't plenty of women around who have jobs and careers and want to earn their own way.

@CmdrCressidaDuck
I have no idea what her thought process was about leaving. It wasn't just "one day" things had been hard for a while. But her refusal to go to therapy etc etc made a bad situation impossible. I don't blame her for leaving as such, no one should stay in an unhappy marriage, but at least wait until the general bulk is sorted before putting effort into a new relationship. We've not even filed for divorce yet and only told the kids 2 weeks ago.

One of her main gripes during various arguemts in the past was that she didn't have a life outside of being a mother yet she would not give up her SAHM role to work. I never encouraged her to be a SAHM but I was always fully supportive. If she'd wanted to work I'd have jumped at the opportunity of not having to be away.

I think you should be putting your energy into making a clean break, separating and splitting finances. Then you can both live and let live.

I think you should speed up the divorce, get things moving asap rather than waiting in limbo for months. You both need more from life than you are getting. She is making a new life for herself, you need to as well. The children know so no reason to drag this out.

I guess it depends on a few factors.
What's the reason for the split? Did she have an amazing job she gave up to have children?
Personally the last thing on my mind after a long term relationship split is another man, let alone if I'm still living with the last one! I'd sit down and discus selling the house and any financial business now not after Christmas as its only going to cause you both more issues down the line.
Either way, you were/are married and she is jobless due to a joint, I'm assuming it was joint and not just her, decision to be a SAHP you will be expected to contribute to her lifestyle until she gets a job/re marries etc this will include to an extent her social life.
However you are allowed to feel upset she's moved on so quickly and saying things bluntly, as in your OP, is reasonable given the newness of the situation, hell plenty of women do it hourly on here, and I do feel for you at this time.
Get the ball rolling asap so you can escape this very odd situation.

@justbeingadad - yeah, but you never see me use language like that

It seems like you're unhappy with past decisions you've made. That's not her fault. It does look like you need a clean break so you can stop stewing.

I think you should be putting your energy into making a clean break, separating and splitting finances. Then you can both live and let live.

Indeed. Crack on ASAP. Maybe she’ll move in with him which will save you paying spousal support. Win win.

YANBU
I think if you were a woman posting you would get a different response. It seems unfair she has refused to work since you had kids - why should you work away doing a job you hate so she can stay at home? It is much easier being home than working.
If she wants money to go on dates she really needs to get a job. It's not acceptable to use your money.
It will probably be you who has to move out too - if she wants to end things perhaps she should move out. Has she thought about childcare if you split?
You are getting hard time on here - I can see why you're pissed off.

MaybeitsMaybelline Mon 19-Aug-19 22:02:34
I think you should be putting your energy into making a clean break, separating and splitting finances. Then you can both live and let live.

This is really sound advice. It's doing you no good stuck in the current situation. You won't realise, but the bitterness and anger is coming through in your posts. I was sort of picturing you sitting at your computer with a whisky, listening angrily for the door when your wife comes back in from a date.

Op based on your last 2 posts it sounds like she has asked you to be the breadwinner and refused to work even when it would have really helped you. So the upset is more about you feeling used by her. Then her moving on very quickly may be increasing that sense of feeling used. I think your original post probably didn’t state your circumstances very well

Sometimes it is hard to see your ex move on when you still feel like you have one foot in the past.
Can you see this as your me time with your babies, not sure of the ages or how long you have been married.
When you marry , money and assets becomes joint, raising children takes more effort than most men realise, I know you hate your job, but you were not followed around all the time by a couple of children.
There are lots of things that she would have done each day, that you didn't see.
Time to just look at it as your both two different people no longer joined.
Cherish your children and look forward to your own future.

so which is it? she was solely a SAHP who didn't contribute or someone who had her own business??

I presume you agreed to the SAHM arrangement because you thought you'd be raising a family together, not because it suited you better, so I think people are jumping on you too hard but the "pushed them out" language is going to undermine anything you say.

See a solicitor. Unfortunately I am on threads on the divorce boards where people ARE being forced to live in the same house sometimes for years. You need to get advice and see what your options are.

I guess I made past decisions on assumptions at the time.

I understand I sound bitter about the SAHM / me working situation. I'm not, in general. It was a compromise worth making at the time for my wife and children. If you're not willing to sacrifice or compromise you shouldn't be married. This was a massive sacrifice and compromise for me, but I did it willingly while it felt like the compromise and sacrifice were justified.

I know I'm going to be hated for this, but her being a SAHM was a huge luxury for her. When we first had our child it looked like an unattainable luxury. I was exceptionally fortunate with a new job which kick started the process to being being able to earn enough to make this a reality for her. I really hope that everyone who has hated me on this thread can understand why her now abusing (in my opinion) that luxury to date other men so so soon after leaving is beyond painful from my point of view. Its not that begrudge her happiness, her being happy is certainly a positive for our children. I just can't accept she has done it so quickly and while we're still, sort of a family unit. In the early days of our separation we did lots of things still as a family for the children, however since she met this guy she literally won't be in the same room as me. I genuinely feel its had a negative impact on the family. Ultimately I guess she possibly feels like she's cheating on him by socialising with me? I don't know. But yeah, it feels like she's taking the piss.

You don't expect a fair hearing on here do you?? The basic rule is She is always right.