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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stbxw already in new relationship while living in family home

286 replies

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 21:13

My wife left me about 4 months ago. I didn't cheat or anything, no catastrophic event, she just gave up.

I'm the sole earner in the family and she's a SAHM we have two young children.

Currently we all live together, our house is large enough to avoid each other and lead more or less separate lives.

She has been in a relationship with a guy for about a month. I think given I'm essentially paying for her to date and that we're still all living together she is being unreasonable.

Emotionally I have no concerns, her leaving me has been the best thing she's done since she pushed our babies out and I'm feeling very liberated from a very suffocating marriage, however she believes it's perfectly acceptable to be in a new relationship while living in the family home and being fully supported by me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

WhyBirdStop · 19/08/2019 23:50

@73Sunglasslover I'd tighten the budget and be worse off, if my husband told me he was unhappy being away from his children so much to enable me to be a SAHP. Not everything is about money and they're clearly not broke if they have a house big enough to live in separately without having much contact with each other.

WhyBirdStop · 19/08/2019 23:52

@justbeingadad I have genuine sympathy for your situation, both being away working and your wife moving on so quickly (and am getting slated for it), but you're not helping yourself with the way you're coming across.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 23:53

@73Sunglasslover
Oh no, this was while we were very very much still together.

OP posts:

73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 23:54

@73Sunglasslover I'd tighten the budget and be worse off, if my husband told me he was unhappy being away from his children so much to enable me to be a SAHP. Not everything is about money and they're clearly not broke if they have a house big enough to live in separately without having much contact with each other.

Yes, so would I. But my point was that her working does not actually necessarily make it more possible for her ex to take a different role.

Stressedout10 · 19/08/2019 23:54

@justbeingadad
If the way you are speaking about your wife and now women on mn is how you normally speak to or treat women/your wife she is not to blame for tearing your family apart that would be you and your attitude

Hithere12 · 19/08/2019 23:54

SHE chose not to have a career prior to having children, which is her call, there are plenty of unskilled jobs and paid for childcare

Yes & he knew this when he married & had kids with her ffs!!!

You’re not addressing my point that her wages would have probably not even covered the cost of putting two children in full time childcare so what would have been the point in her working anyway?

Kakibe · 19/08/2019 23:55

I do not think your being unreasonable. I think it is quite disrespectful of your stbxw towards you and the children. I appreciate that the relationship has broken down, but I strongly believe that she (and you) should maintain a civil relationship and concentrate on providing a stable home and atmosphere for the children. Once you or her move out, then you are both free to date who you want. This has nothing to do with you supporting her while she is a stay at home mum, more to do with morals and human decency.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 23:56

@WhyBirdStop
Thanks. I appreciate the support.

So I started this thread all positive and was expecting maybe MN would prove me wrong for once. After all, a mother's priority is her children right, not the next notch on her bed post.....

The reaction of the vast majority of people here hopefully can demonstrate how people's bening, calm view can be transformed into a vicious fight for survival.

Of men attacked women like this on a forum, it'd make front page BBC news.

OP posts:

73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 23:57

Oh no, this was while we were very very much still together.

I'd hate someone for doing that to me. Again you have my sympathy. But that does not justify the things you are saying.

You really are coming across as misogynistic. Maybe this is not the real you and this is you hitting out in mad fury. Please do try and listen to what people are saying and reflect though as if you come across like this when you start dating again you will have a large proportion of women running very quickly away from you.

Hithere12 · 19/08/2019 23:58

If the way you are speaking about your wife and now women on mn is how you normally speak to or treat women/your wife she is not to blame for tearing your family apart that would be you and your attitude

Agreed 🙄 I actually judge the woman for marrying him in the first place not for divorcing him. Red flags everywhere.

I’ve yet to meet a man who’s wife left them who ever thinks they did anything wrong.

73Sunglasslover · 19/08/2019 23:59

*So I started this thread all positive and was expecting maybe MN would prove me wrong for once. After all, a mother's priority is her children right, not the next notch on her bed post.....

The reaction of the vast majority of people here hopefully can demonstrate how people's bening, calm view can be transformed into a vicious fight for survival.

Of men attacked women like this on a forum, it'd make front page BBC news.*

I'm going to give up here. You clearly don't want a conversation. You want others to agree with you and if they don't you are turning that well of anger on them. I wish you luck for the future and hope that this bitterness does not drag you down too far.

Breathlessness · 20/08/2019 00:00

You don’t have to like what she’s doing but you’re no longer together despite the fact that you’re living together and she’s not bringing anyone into to the family home. It’s shit because you’re still reeling from the shock of her ending things and she’s already moved on.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 00:01

@Hithere12
I've done plenty wrong and plenty not right. Just like she has.

The issue is I accepted I've fucked up in life, got help, came out a better person, made massive changes and had the enxt thing thrown in my face. She on the other hand has always been the victim.

I'd never once suggest I was not a party to our issues. I absolutely am. But I'm not the reason our marriage is over.

OP posts:

WhyBirdStop · 20/08/2019 00:01

so what would have been the point in her working anyway?
So their father could spend time with his children and not been deeply unhappy? Not complicated.

Breathlessness · 20/08/2019 00:01

‘Of men attacked women like this on a forum, it'd make front page BBC news.’*

*see The Whole Internet

WhyBirdStop · 20/08/2019 00:03

After all, a mother's priority is her children right, not the next notch on her bed post.....
things like this are not going to win you any friends. It reeks of misogyny.

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 00:07

@Breathlessness
You're right, but it's also shit because if she put the effort into making our lives more amicable rather than a new relationship things would be better all round. As I said earlier. Things only went down hill (post separation) after she dated this guy and I didn't even know about him then so it wasn't any emotional reaction. She distanced herself significantly from the family. If she didn't want to live in the family home with me after separation she should have sorted her logistics out before hand. I'm not moving out. Which I think she assumed I would.

OP posts:

jannowitz · 20/08/2019 00:08

"Well actually she's raising OUR kids"

Yes, your kids too. Because you're not raising them, pal.

NeelixFelicis · 20/08/2019 00:08

Imagine the reversal: "I worked long and hard on my career, which afforded my DH opportunity to be a SAHD, which was lucky because he really wanted to give up work and stay home with them. Recently he informed me he doesn't want to be with me anymore - he doesn't want to try. The thing is, we are still living in the same house, and he is already dating another woman.
AIBU to feel bitter, that I have to go to work and miss my DC every day, and I'm essentially funding him to go out and romance someone else?"

Same responses to that? Bollocks.

Stressedout10 · 20/08/2019 00:10

Yes OP but if this is your better me I would hate to see what the old you was because this you is a vile narcissistic misogynist.

You do realise that that is how you are coming across in your posts and it's not only not helping your case nor is it pleasant

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 00:10

@WhyBirdStop

Thats not my intent and it's sad that criticism of a cheating wife and what I'd suggest is an immoral ex partner during a separation is labeled as such.

I was away with the children all weekend. The only message I got off her was to ask if I could have the children one night this week so she could go out with her boyfriend. Not calling her a bad mother, but priorities would be different if she wasn't seeing him.

OP posts:

userxx · 20/08/2019 00:13

@NeelixFelicis I know, shocking.

WhyBirdStop · 20/08/2019 00:18

It's the sweeping statements about mothers and women.

If you'd posted this gender neutral (partner a , partner b) or reversed it so it was a male behaving as she was you would've gotten loads of support. As I said I actually see your POV and think being a sole provider or SAHP is a choice that both parties need to be completely comfortable with, and if not they need to support each other to make changes, even if that means stacking shelves at Tesco two nights a week so your husband doesn't have to live away from his family doing a job he hates Monday to Friday.
She is entitled to move on, personally I wouldn't be doing it so quickly. It is best for all of you though to get the ball rolling with divorce and physical separation. Of course it's going to hurt seeing your wife date someone else a few months after your marriage ends. Especially when you are having to see her coming and going off to meet her new partner, no one would find that pleasant.

Hithere12 · 20/08/2019 00:19

So their father could spend time with his children and not been deeply unhappy? Not complicated

I don’t mean this in a rude way but are you a bit simple? I don’t know how else I can phrase it what I’m saying. If OP’s wife worked they’d have likely been no better off financially, so how would he have been able to work a job for less money?

If she earned minimum wage her wages would not have covered the childcare costs?

Original poster

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 00:21

I don't have any real emotional issues, certainly not jealous like feelings. I was willing to rearrange a work trip so she could actually go out with him. The issue mainly is her lack of appreciation that what's she's doing is on the unreasonable end of the scale.

OP posts:

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