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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
Tp93 · 19/08/2019 13:01

That would annoy me. Just tell her sorry but I think we will have our own get together at our house or tell her you are thinking of going away overnight so it doesn't happen. Had she asked first it wouldn't bother me but to pre assume you won't be doing anything, that's annoying

Summerunderway · 19/08/2019 13:02

Sorry but we are busy planning ds's birthday.
No need to offer any apologies after that.

sue51 · 19/08/2019 13:03

I'm with you OP. Put your foot down now and tell DH to decline his mother's kind offer as you want to do something else on your son's birthday. Be polite but firm. Its two months away so she can easily cancel the cake.

Cokezeroisyummy · 19/08/2019 13:04

That would annoy me. If this happened to me, I would refuse to go (and therfore child wouldn't be going), but me and my MIL already have history with her trying to take over

ChicCroissant · 19/08/2019 13:04

Say no then, and stop it straight away rather than expecting your DH to do the job if he's happy with the arrangements. Tell him you don't want to do the birthday there rather than ask him, don't expect him to guess what you are thinking - it's not a test for him.

Cocolapew · 19/08/2019 13:04

Tell her you aren't going because you have something already planned.
Give your DH a poke in the eye.

Seaweed42 · 19/08/2019 13:06

Your DH is under the mother's thumb unfortunately and is immune to her control tactics. Unfortunately he shares his mother's view that she is the only 'Mother' in town, there's only one 'Family' - hers, and her kids are still her children to be told what to do, and that includes you.

Don't go along with it as it sets a precedent.

Whatsername7 · 19/08/2019 13:08

It absolutely would bother me. You need to nip this in the bud now. Thank her for her 'kindness' and tell her that you would like to plan your sons birthday yourself. Therefore the 'family meal' with DH's relatives will need to happen the day after. Tell her you let her know the plan for his birthday and that you will sort the cake, she just needs to turn up at whatever time you want her there. Don't over think it or feel guilty if she strops. You have to work out your boundaries.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 13:08

"That's lovely of you MiL, but we've already decided to hold the birthday meal here, which of course we're looking forward to seeing you at.

Would you still like to take charge of the cake though, or party games/specific present/(any other damn thing)?

So nice of you to be so thoughtful - we're kicking off at 3pm but do come along an hour earlier so you get to see DGS before everyone else arrives, if you like."

Deflection without confrontation, & throw her a bone over organising cake or whatever you feel happy with, so that she doesn't feel slighted.

Rainycloudyday · 19/08/2019 13:08

No way in hell would I be ok with that. Put your foot down now, hard, or this will set a precedent. It’s unbeievable, who I’m their right mind think s that planning someone else’s child’s birthday is ok?’

BitchyArriver · 19/08/2019 13:09

Wait, is the party only for DH’s side of the family? Not yours? If so that’s outrageous if it’s on the birthday day itself. I would be furious and tell her to move it.

ChuckleBuckles · 19/08/2019 13:13

What about your family OP, or are you only a walking, talking womb that sprouts grandchildren for her?

Strong boundaries are needed here, you are not second best in your own marriage and family, and to exclude the other side of the DC family is terrible.

greenwaterbottle · 19/08/2019 13:16

"Oh no that's a shame, we've got a party planned here"
Also don't let her move it the weekend before

LightDrizzle · 19/08/2019 13:17

Did she inform you face to face or by text/ WhatsApp
Either way, I’d deal with it directly since your DH is oblivious. Either by ringing or the same way she communicates with you.
Something like:
Hi Sandra, sorry, I should have said something at the time but I was a bit taken aback and didn’t want to seem rude.
It’s very kind of you, but you really shouldn’t have made arrangements for DS’s birthday without checking with us. Maybe your MIL had this role in your family when DH was little, - which is fine, but I’d prefer for us to do things like pick out the cake and make Christmas and birthday arrangements. DS won’t be little for long.
We’ll let you know our plans in good time. Perhaps he could have the cake you’ve picked out when we next visit after his birthday?
x

cakeandchampagne · 19/08/2019 13:18

It’s not “nice” of her at all! You are in charge of this party.

mbosnz · 19/08/2019 13:18

Oh dear MIL, I hope you haven't gone too far with your preparation, because our DS will be having his birthday celebration at home, on his birthday, and I will be organising it. You really should have checked with me first, shouldn't you?

As to DH - wake the hell up there mate! Not okay!

whattodowith · 19/08/2019 13:18

Say sorry but we have other plans, we can have the meal the day before or after though if that suits. Take control now, this will only get worse if not.

Ffsnosexallowed · 19/08/2019 13:20

Do you have anything else planned?

MaryShelley1818 · 19/08/2019 13:21

I really wouldn’t like that. I’d just tell her you’ll be planning DS’s Birthday but you’re happy for her to provide the cake 🍰

EverTheConundrum · 19/08/2019 13:22

Omg I'd be LIVID!!!!! Are you able to start organising one at your parents house?!

Wehttam · 19/08/2019 13:23

Yeh good luck with this MIL kiddo, this is an omen for the future....take charge now.

EverTheConundrum · 19/08/2019 13:25

You need to put your foot down NOW or you'll be enabling her to make the next 16 years of your life a misery when it comes to any arrangements/decisions. Especially when it comes to DS!

Set her straight immediately!

Minai · 19/08/2019 13:26

I would not be happy with that. Especially on his actual birthday. Just tell her that you already have plans for his birthday so she’s going to have to do her party another day and to run it by you next time

AfterSchoolWorry · 19/08/2019 13:27

Just tell her no.

JustinOtherdad · 19/08/2019 13:28

Absolutely would, and did, bother me. My MIL and SIL took it upon themselves to organize a 1st birthday for our eldest, who was the first grandchild, at MIL's house. Without actually telling us!

We had been organizing a BBQ at our house for friends & family for the same day and MIL/SIL got all arsey because they'd already invited people. When asked why they didn't tell us what they were doing the response was "why should we". I've never got over that!

I very nearly refused to go to MIL's on the day. Invited were some IL's who lived nearby, two elderly relatives who'd got the train down from London, the neighbors, a few old friends of MIL and a couple of SIL's friends who were local.