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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 19/08/2019 14:45

I do think you should take this opportunity set boundaries about birthdays and Christmas in general, rather than just dodging this one occasion on the basis of previous plans. Otherwise you’ll be revisiting this again and again.

Anotheruser02 · 19/08/2019 14:45

Sumerunderway

Mrsmememe · 19/08/2019 14:49

Stop being such a drip and put your foot down. Tell them you have plans already and even if you didn’t, tell her you don’t want to exclude half of your sons family so it would be best not to do the meal.
Tell your DH to man up.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 19/08/2019 14:52

Does he have grandparents on your side? What did you have in mind for them to be involved in his birthday? I get the sense you didn’t plan to invite them to the zoo?

kateandme · 19/08/2019 14:56

oh op pease please please come back and say youve put a stop to this!dont be a poster who asks for help and then lets them still walk over you please!

Saddler · 19/08/2019 15:00

Don't stand for this shit

JustinOtherdad · 19/08/2019 15:00

@PandaAtTheZoo Because my wife didn't want to upset her mum (it was easier than all the grief she'd get) and I didn't want to upset my wife. I know, I know...!

SIL recently brought it up in conversation with said child "Ooh on your first birthday party...". I had to leave the fucking room

smartiecake · 19/08/2019 15:05

You totally have to nip this in the bud now
As others have said she will be organising all his birthdays and Christmas from now on.
Say sorry we are taking him to the zoo. Tell whoever you want they are welcome to go as well but do not pay for them. Take a little cake and some paper plates for everyone.

Do not let her make your plans for you

INeedAFlerken · 19/08/2019 15:06

If you want to off them the chance to come to the zoo on the day, they can meet you there and pay for their own tickets.

But please don't cave. And your DH should have consulted you before kowtowing to mummy. You're his wife and the mother of his child. He should have your back. Make him have it now. Have him tell his mother he failed to check with you, and you already have plans for that day.

ChrisPrattsFace · 19/08/2019 15:06

It would annoy me.
MIL arranges things and meals on DHs birthday every year - we’ve never actually spent his birthday together just the two of us. That’s enough to annoy me never mind doing it to my child too 😂

Figgygal · 19/08/2019 15:07

Put your foot down now

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 19/08/2019 15:09

I just noticed you say she has “picked out” a cake. Perfect opportunity for you to say “Oh no MIL, I wouldn’t want him to have a bought cake for his birthday, I am baking one myself”.

Original poster

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 15:12

Summerunderway 😂

LightDrizzle yes definitely need to set boundaries when it comes to DH's family

ArgumentativeAardvaark hadn't really planned it much since its 2 months away. Just thought a day at the zoo may be fun for dc and less stressful

kateandme will definitely be putting my foot down and won't be going to mil's house

JustinOtherdad are there still issues with boundaries with your inlaws if you don't mind me asking?

Seems quite a few people have problems with boundaries with their inlaws

OP posts:

MulticolourMophead · 19/08/2019 15:12

ChrisPrattsFace Get in first and arrange something. If you know roughly when she announces the arrangements each year, then you know to organise/book something at least a month prior to that. Take control.

Michelleoftheresistance · 19/08/2019 15:14

Dh just informed me, apparently it has to be that day because bil and his wife are very busy and can only do that day

What a shame MiL we have plans for that day as it's ds's birthday . It would be lovely to see you all another day, and how lovely you're going to do a cake for him at your family get together. Do let us know when bil and you have arranged some more possible dates and I'll check the diary.

Set the precedent now for ds's sake, his birthdays are about him, not MiL's family get together plans, and from about next year onwards he'll want to do things with his friends on that day, not be bumbling around while a houseful of grown ups have a chat.

I'd also be wary about the zoo tickets, not necessarily a great idea to set the precedent either that whatever happens on his birthday will involve them. Trust me on this. I've dealt with a highly grumpy MiL this year who sat and sulked through a soft play party she didn't want to be at and was bored to death but has now got a fixed routine that birthday events only happen if she's there. She wanted a party at her daughter's house, my ds wanted soft play with a group of his friends.

tympanic · 19/08/2019 15:19

OP, I know a lot of people are suggesting you get in first in future occasions but why should you twist yourself into knots trying to anticipate everything? It’s insane. You and your DH need to get to the point with MIL and make it abundantly clear where her place is. This is YOUR child and YOU will organise the party and invite who YOU wish. Don’t bollocks about with games. Just be clear from the outset and stick with it.

Mafalda78 · 19/08/2019 15:21

You can tell her to bring the cake to the actual party location: your home, where you will all be joined by members of your family as well.
I would also add the truth: you did not feel it was nice although want to think it was made out of kindness and to relieve you from the preparation.
If the wall is on then you can quickly attend and then have your party in the afternoon.

It will take time, probably years, before things get settled when a child is born and everyone want to be part of his/her life but, unless your husband's family is really horrible (and it doesn't sound like that), you have to find common grounds. Your MIL is probably just scared (as all MILs are from the husband side) that she will be left aside.

It is always worth trying to find compromises.

Cherrysoup · 19/08/2019 15:23

Teach the dh to say 'We'll get back to you once we've discussed it/looked at the diary' for ordinary stuff, but when it comes to your dc, he needs to put a stop to her and say that you, as his parents, will be organizing his birthday etc.

NoSauce · 19/08/2019 15:35

Does she always take control over issues that aren’t any of her business?

Jellybeansincognito · 19/08/2019 15:38

How is it a nice idea to have a one sided family party on your sons actual birthday? Without consulting you? Also making you a guest to your own sons birthday party. Nope, not my thing either.

Send to MIL

Thanks for the idea of hosting a birthday party for x. As you’re well aware, when we have children it fills us with joy to organise their birthday celebrations, I actually find it incredibly special especially after all the stressful overwhelming moments of being a parent. Therefore I cannot accept being a guest at my own sons birthday celebration, especially when that celebration doesn’t include one side of his family who are also extremely special to him. We are spending his birthday at the zoo, as planned by us already.

bluebeck · 19/08/2019 15:39

I had these kinds of issues.

I had to set really firm boundaries and MIL would still try to steamroller me. DH has to be on your side and he sounds rather spineless.

Agree with PP - you need to stay one step ahead and say you have things planned/actually plan them way ahead of the time.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 19/08/2019 15:42

Tell her "Sorry, my DM has already organised his birthday at her house"

InvernessAdventure · 19/08/2019 15:43

I wouldn't go as far as doing a professional cake baking course (!) but I totally agree with NewStarterPack that you have to be one step ahead of people like this. They rely on passivity and their own children are generally well trained from an early age to accept the path of least resistance. With my own MIL, my DH tends to weakly hope against hope that she won't turn up on the doorstep unannounced or embroil us in unwanted faits accomplis, and I've had to train him over many years that the best way to get what you want/avoid what you don't want is to be proactive and set the agenda yourself. And don't think it'll just be birthdays and Christmas, OP! Once the bigger occasions stop going her way, it'll be mother's day, halloween, bank holidays, summer holidays, and every kind of school occasion. Just think ahead, be clear about your boundaries, and always have a consolation prize up your sleeve ('graduation tickets are only for parents, but how about a meal out the following day/weekend/year/'). And get your DH with the programme!

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 15:52

I have to say that doing a professional cake decorating course does seem a bit.....over invested.

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2019 16:04

Go with @Ispywithmycynicaleye message!

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