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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 19/08/2019 13:49

I can't imagine why she thought it was appropriate to arrange a party for another person;s child 9unless it had been requested)
I certainly wouldn't tread softly with her - she knows she is overstepping and is hoping to present it as a fait accompli.

I'd reply 'how strange to arrange such a thing without consultation - we will be making plans for our son's birthday, and if we choose to have a party will invite guests in due course, or we may choose to have a day out a a family. We will also be choosing his cake'

It isn't kind or thoughtful - it is super controlling and disregarding boundaries.

Crunched · 19/08/2019 13:50

There is a bit of unnecessary harshness against MIL here.

I would say “Fabulous thanks. Here is a list of the people from my side of the family/any little playmates friends. Shall I send the invites on your behalf?” and then , if she declines to invite others, explain that you will be hosting a ‘do’ on the actual birthday so MIL will need to change the date of her event.

The fact your DH sees it as a nice thing to do needs consideration. Would you have been fine if it was YOUR DM offering the same?

SunflowerSunshine · 19/08/2019 13:50

Also. Just think what would happen if your own Mum tried to do this. You’d just tell her no and not feel awkward about it!

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2019 13:52

OP ‘Sorry we’re not available on the day, but we’d love to join you for a celebration on another day.’

MIL ‘DH didn’t mention that when I spoke to him’.

OP ‘Perhaps it slipped his mind.’

MIL ‘What are you doing’

OP ‘We’ve organised to go to the zoo with some friends’.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2019 13:53

If both families were invite it wouldn’t bother me. We’d have our own cake at home. At two, they don’t know or care who hosts.

Presumably your DH has a close relationship with them if he’s happy with it or does he get no say?

EverTheConundrum · 19/08/2019 13:53

@PandaAtTheZoo "Well that's unfortunate but you'll be sure to send them pictures"

EverTheConundrum · 19/08/2019 13:56

@PandaAtTheZoo It sounds like you're about to give in...... Please dont!!!

MamaGee09 · 19/08/2019 13:56

If she wants to organise it for a different day but fine, but on his actual birthday then I’d be telling her at you already have plans with the birthday boy and won’t be changing them.

KurriKurri · 19/08/2019 13:56

The fact your DH sees it as a nice thing to do needs consideration. Would you have been fine if it was YOUR DM offering the same?

I think the problem is that the MIL didn't 'offer' - OP might have wanted to take her up on an offer - MIL arranged and then 'told' OP about it as if OP should have no say in her son's birthday plans. That's rude behaviour whoever's mother is doing it.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 19/08/2019 13:57

Really not on! You are not available that day and dh needs a flea in his ear to heck with you first!

HeyMonkey · 19/08/2019 13:58

Part of me would be pissed off at her for being so presumptuous.

But another part of me would think hooray, I don't have to plan it or spend any money, let MIL have the stress of cooking and dealing with the expense and tidying up!

LightDrizzle · 19/08/2019 13:58

Deal with it directly.
Your DH is going to be hopeless. She knows what she is doing but you have to box clever to avoid being the bad guy.
Do NOT cave.

CalmdownJanet · 19/08/2019 13:59

Oh definitely put your foot down!! Only his side, people you don't like, no consultation and all about the bil & sil. No way José!!

JamdaniSari · 19/08/2019 13:59

Say, unfortunately you've already made plans.

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2019 14:00

Xpost with OP,

‘Oh what a shame, next year then.’

Booboostwo · 19/08/2019 14:01

As is usual in these cases you have a MIL and a DH problem. How could your DH assume this would be OK? It's not nice, it's controlling and outrageous. I'd wish them all a nice day but let them know that DS and you are not available.

yeraballoon · 19/08/2019 14:01

Well do you have plans for his birthday that day? If so, just tell her.

DingDongDenny · 19/08/2019 14:01

The fact your DH sees it as a nice thing to do needs consideration. Would you have been fine if it was YOUR DM offering the same?

The question is would your DH be fine if your mum did the same and his family didn't get a look in. That's what you need to ask him

Mishappening · 19/08/2019 14:02

"That is very kind of you, but we have already made our own arrangements for the birthday. What a shame you did not talk to us about it first."

bobsyourauntie · 19/08/2019 14:03

It is wrong of her to not include any of your family, so for that reason, I would say no.

You need to be firm with her, tell her that you have plans for his birthday, and then go out for the day like you planned. Tell her that grandparents and DS's own aunts/uncles only (due to space) are welcome round to yours at 5pm (or whatever) for tea and cake.

Whilst some think this is a nice gesture from MIL, it is not as it is not including your family and it is on his actual birthday. Very wrong.

dollydaydream114 · 19/08/2019 14:04

What’s wrong with you people? If my MIL did this I’d be so grateful! Let’s see - she’s organising, she’s hosting, she’s cooking, she’s buying a cake. Coming from a busy working mum, this is the dream

I think 'the dream' would be if the MIL had phoned up and said "Would you like us to host DGC's birthday? We'd love to do it if you haven't planned anything else - just let me know who you'd like to be there. But no problem if you'd prefer to do it yourself of course."

What actually happened was that she arranged it without asking or checking nothing else was planned, and invited only the OP's DH's family, none of the OP's family. Which is just bloody rude.

tympanic · 19/08/2019 14:06

Not cool, OP. In my experience it all goes downhill from here unless you put a stop to it now. If she’d asked you and welcomed your family and friends it would have been respectful. By not asking and deciding on the guest list for you.... doesn’t bode well. Seriously, don’t let her do it or she’ll continue to take over.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/08/2019 14:07

Honestly, based on her also trying to decide the Christening cake, I would put a stop to her arranging a party on your DS's birthday. If she wants to arrange a family get together with a cake, then she should do so after the actual date.

My concern would be that this would become the 'norm' and will be expected every year.

MulticolourMophead · 19/08/2019 14:08

PandaAtTheZoo Don't cave, and do tell your DH that MIL's plan will not be happening. It's absolutely not on that she's excluding your family.

Go ahead with the zoo plan, or arrange something that suits you.

greenlynx · 19/08/2019 14:08

It’s not nice, it’s disrespectful and controlling. I wouldn’t tolerate it from my own mother. I would stick to my plan to go to the zoo even if it means your DS would be without big family party this year. Tbh he’s only 2, he might prefer animals to relatives.
And I think you need to have a long chat with your DH. Don’t expect him to change overnight though, but you need to start somewhere.