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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 19/08/2019 13:28

Why the fuck is it for DH's family only?

Don't say 'Sorry but' anything.
'Thank you, but we're having DS's birthday here at home.'

ElleDubloo · 19/08/2019 13:28

What’s wrong with you people? If my MIL did this I’d be so grateful! Let’s see - she’s organising, she’s hosting, she’s cooking, she’s buying a cake. Coming from a busy working mum, this is the dream Wink

AllFourOfThem · 19/08/2019 13:29

I’d thank her and say it will have to be the weekend after his birthday as you have plans for the day which include both sides of the family.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 19/08/2019 13:29

Id just not go. Bugger off to the zoo or something. And when she cries say, "Did we say we were coming?" DH gets a Paddington hard stare.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 13:30

Fair enough to organise a separate celebration on his birthday for his side of the family

But on his birthday? and choosing the cake? No way. If it's his 'main' birthday party she will be fine with you inviting his friends and your relatives then I assume!?

EverTheConundrum · 19/08/2019 13:30

@JustinOtherdad Shock So you let her get away with it?!?!?

Lilyannarose · 19/08/2019 13:30

This reminds me of when we were planning one of the DC's christenings.
I was going to order a cake from a bakers as I wanted it to be special.
MIL said she would sort the cake, so I reluctantly agreed thinking she had something special in mind.
It turned out to be a plain ,dry hard fruit cake that she had got one of her friends to make!

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 13:32

I very nearly refused to go to MIL's on the day.

Why didn't you?
Any fuss about it, & you simply whip back their own charming response - "why should we?"

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/08/2019 13:34

I hope you said you already have plans, and then stuck to this.

CalmdownJanet · 19/08/2019 13:35

Oh this would annoy me and I would definitely put my foot down just so it didn't set a precedent. "Ah Mary we have plans ourselves that day sorry, we can do it another day around his birthday if you like, I'm never one to turn down a second cake" - nice, appreciative but you have plans and a cake!

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 13:36

Tell her you're already organising something for that day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 13:36

No, this isn’t how or where you choose to celebrate your son’s birthday so it’s not going to happen. Give an inch and your life will be miserable. Give your husband a sharp kick up the arse. Knobber.

HereIGoAgainAndAgainAndAgain · 19/08/2019 13:36

"Oh how lovely for you all. I hope you have a lovely time - make sure you take some photos for us to see you all with your party hats on!"

Kplpandd · 19/08/2019 13:36

Yanbu this would annoy me. Please bear in mind that DH might be omitting information. It's possible she asked his permission and he said it's fine but he's too scared to tell you that x

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 13:38

“Really sorry- we have plans for his birthday. It would be lovely to have your plan and see you all the next day though- he’ll love another cake!”

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 13:39

Ask your DH exactly why it's "nice" of her to organise something that excludes your family.

PeopleMover · 19/08/2019 13:40

You will be a guest at your own 2yo's party, I wouldn't be having that at all!!

One thing if she'd asked you first and just offered to host everyone at her house, but not to organise it all and then invite you to it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 13:40

I wouldn’t apologise. She’s not doing you a favour. She didn’t ask, probably because she knows you wouldn’t want it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/08/2019 13:42

"Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her."
It isn't 'nice' of her, it's overbearing. Something I suspect he's been subjected to all his life, so he can't recognise it as anything but 'normal'. That's a second problem you're going to have to deal with at some point. Possibly now, if he sides with her and starts pressuring you.

Her domination ends now. Accept this time, and I can guarantee you'll be dealing with it for every birthday to come.

Point out to your husband that his side of the family is far from all of his son's family - your son has your family as his too. You will be hosting your son's birthday party yourselves, inviting ALL of your joint son's family - both sides. No wiggle room, your son is a member of both parents' families. He presumably has four grandparents?

Of course you can always offer that she can have a family party of her own, you/husband/son will be available say two weeks post-actual birthday?

And do not say sorry to her - you have nothing to be sorry about except maybe marrying Mister Spineless . Express surprise that that she would presume to organise your son's birthday, excluding half of his family, but no more.

INeedAFlerken · 19/08/2019 13:44

I think you need to pull your DH up on this sharply, and tell him it is not 'nice' that his mother thinks she can do as she pleases and expect you all to fall in line when it comes to your child and your family. And she's trying to exclude your extended family on your child's birthday as well!!

He needs to tell his mother No. Now. And that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

loulou0987 · 19/08/2019 13:45

My mil did this with my Ds christening, I went with
“That’s kind of you but We’re sorted thank you!” Repeatedly until she got the messsge!

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 13:46

LightDrizzle she called dh to tell him, then he told me. He said it was a nice idea!

Ffsnosexallowed Was just planning on going to the zoo on the day

JustinOtherdad How come you ended up going and letting her get away with it?

DarlingNikita she said there isn't enough room and it's alot of work to cook for so many so only DH's side of the family is invited. She has invited DH's aunt who I don't get along with because she is frankly a bully!

Lilyannarose how awful she got a cake that wasn't very nice. My Mil also tried picking out the cake for the christening.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 19/08/2019 13:46

I agree you need to nip this in the bud now and explain you will be dealing with all birthday parties and Christmas for your children. They will be invited. On this occasion tell her that you are happy to come for a meal the following weekend if you want

Part of me would be tempted to say ‘oh mil thank you so much, I was so concerned about the damage 20 of xxx’s friends from toddler/play school/nursery would cause at my house,I will give them all your address now

SunflowerSunshine · 19/08/2019 13:47

What about your family though?

MIL knows exactly what she’s doing. Very controlling and out of order. Don’t stand for it, you need to be assertive and tell her thanks but no thanks.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 13:49

Dh just informed me, apparently it has to be that day because bil and his wife are very busy and can only do that day Hmm

OP posts: