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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
Sallyseagull · 21/08/2019 14:05

Update is dh told mil last night. She got upset, saying I'm trying to exclude her from her grandchilds life and she is trying to be nice

She sounds like my MIL. When I disagree with her on matters relating to my son she plays the 'poor me' card and claims I'm keeping her from her grandson (who I make the point to ensure she sees at least once a week.

greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 14:12

Nope not a joke, some people need telling. I'd much prefer to tell my dh how to phrase responses in future to avoid these situations in future.

Thesuzle · 21/08/2019 14:27

Crimes !
If and when you tackle her yourself, TAPE the convo on your phone to show husband later if she gets silly

RavenLG · 21/08/2019 14:58

I honestly don't think I could be with such a pathetic man, that allows his DM to walk all over his wife and himself, and can't muster the strength / intelligence to tell her that she is overstepping boundaries, and is actually being incredibly exclusionary. You NEED to tell her exactly why this situation is wrong, not just 'we wanted to do x/y/z/' but from your last post I'm not sure you will.

If you don't correct it now, this will be your life. So (you and DP) need to either find a backbone and some confidence and skills in how to talk to difficult people or suffer in silence for the next 18 years.

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2019 15:03

Dread having to talk to her myself. She isn't an easy woman to talk to. She doesn't listen well and will somehow twist the conversation to her being the victim or something

Then do what she does. Keep talking, keep making your point and don't entertain what she's trying to say.

diddl · 21/08/2019 16:01

"She got upset, saying I'm trying to exclude her from her grandchilds life and she is trying to be nice."

Oh FFS .

What over dramatic twattery.

If your husband can't see through that then he needs help.

She can do her family meal-just not the day that she wants to!

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 21/08/2019 16:08

Kolo that's awful, your Mil sounds very selfish and controlling. Stealing what little time you had with your son on his first birthday. I'm continually shocked by some mil's on this site.

OP posts:
Hairwizard · 21/08/2019 16:31

My sil did something similar for my first born sons christening. Organised the whole thing. Booked venue before even asking us about it. They were only meant to get his christening outfit!! Ended up buying that myself as she did the rest. Then she had the fucking neck to say 'i thought i was doing that'
Still gives me the rage even now, almost 6 years on.
Fast forward to dds chrjstening plans last year, as soon as date confirmed i had everything bought and booked. She then offered to sort the food as 'i did that for ds' christening'. She was told no.
Her face was a picture when i said i had all sorted and paid for.
Felt so underhanded but had to be done. I currently have stuff in my amazon shopping cart waiting for when i get date confirmed.
I feel your pain. Dont let her away with it. Sets a precendent. You dont want that.

ptumbi · 21/08/2019 17:02

What’s wrong with you people? If my MIL did this I’d be so grateful! Let’s see - she’s organising, she’s hosting, she’s cooking, she’s buying a cake. Coming from a busy working mum, this is the dream - flipping heck, why did you have kids if you don't even want to do the fun stuff for them? Hmm Shock

OP - I had similar with my MIL (DH only child, so only GC) and she bought also every single thing they wore. I looked at my ds1 at a Xmas party, aged 3 or 4, and realised that he was skin-up in clothes she had chosen. Angry

I am so paranoid about buying stuff for my own kids - ds2 is moving out soon and in with his gf and I am thinking twice about buying bowls/cutlery etc in case they want to do it/ have the fun of first time buying stuff.

Motoko · 21/08/2019 18:13

I am so paranoid about buying stuff for my own kids - ds2 is moving out soon and in with his gf and I am thinking twice about buying bowls/cutlery etc in case they want to do it/ have the fun of first time buying stuff.

Just ask them. When my son was planning on moving out, I asked him if he wanted me to get him some basics for the kitchen, and he was pleased he didn't have to worry about all those bits, as it meant he had less money to pay out.

FelicisNox · 21/08/2019 18:36

If you don't like it don't do it.

I think it's a bloody cheek and tell DH to tell her you already have plans: I bet she's asked him what you're doing and he said nothing.

Men are so thick sometimes.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/08/2019 19:19

The irony of your MIL being upset that she feels shes being excluded when that's exactly what she happily wanted to do with three of your DS's other grandparents! Fucking entitled cheek of her.

Also your DH needs to grow a spine (I'd be having words if my DH was happy to exclude my family or what is best for our family to keep his mum happy), he's choosing the path of least resistance by pandering to mummy, iiwy I'd be making sure that when it comes to his family vs his mummy the path of least resistance is to keep his family his main priority/happy.

Gobbolinocat · 21/08/2019 20:48

Mil I'm sorry you feel excluded, funnily enough that's how my own mum felt due to your arrangements with Her grandchild. I felt it too being excluded from sons own party arrangements.

So now we are all on same page...

TowelNumber42 · 21/08/2019 21:56

Own being the bad guy. Let her revel in being the victim. Give no fucks because you are the bad guy. Honestly, it is incredibly liberating.

Go with being the bad guy instead of twisting yourself in ridiculous knots to stop someone unhinged from painting themselves as the victim when they don't get their way. Remember people with such a questionable grip on what is reasonable will twist further than you to make themselves the victim to punish you or simply to win.

Accept your new role as the family hard arse. It is wonderful. Channel that military guy whose advice was Always smile, be polite and have a plan to kill everyone in the room.

Fuiseog · 21/08/2019 22:17

I think I would go with something like this:

"Gosh, MIL, we certainly don't mean to make you feel excluded from Son's life and are surprised you felt that. Not our intention at all. If somehow it seemed that you weren't welcome to cook or host family dinner with/for him, that's not what we meant - of course that would be more than welcome in the future, if we just coordinate to organise a time that suits both us and you.

Of course you understand that we, as the parents, will make the plans for the day of or 'official' celebration of our son/children's birthday(s). As Son's parents, we have our own ideas for the day of his birthday this year, which happen to be just with us. We don't think it's excluding any particular side of the family with our plans as no side is involved over the other. Actually, I think if we were to have the family meal you suggested at your house on his official birthday, it would exclude my side of the family from official celebrations, which would favour one side and we don't want to do that.

By not having anyone else there on the day, we are only thinking of having a special day with our son ourselves, and certainly not trying to exclude either side of the family from his life. You could still celebrate his birthday by having a cake and candles another day for him to mark it with your side of the family too, if you choose! My side of the family might do the same."

Long and certainly not as sharp and pointed as is deserved, but I think gets the point across without compromising on it and (hopefully) while acting as a reminder that you're being really reasonable and she isn't. In the interests of maintaining harmony while not being walked all over and all that.

Also long because I am procrastinating again.

WillLokireturn · 21/08/2019 22:34

What @TatianaLarina said.
Glad you have reclaimed your PFB's 2nd birthday day! It's actually in his birthday and MIL is trying to exclude your family, friends and any plans you might have had. You need to have a word with DH never to roll over to his DM in your shared child!
It would have been a lovely gesture if day after or week after, that I'd jump at, but let's be honest she bloody knows that and still trod totally in your parebtal ties without asking DS's MUM!! She had her own children and probably an interfering MIL or DM herself!! Bet she didn't let them steal birthdays from her!

Who cares if BiL and random aunties can't make it on his actual birthday, that day is always yours to decide and include your family on as ell and she's made it clear that she isn't inviting everyone even if you'd agreed to that day/party it's all about her and her friends/family.

It IS a hill to die on and I would. I would say thankyou so much and you can hold it in day after his birthday as we already have birthday plans inviting all his close family. Go to zoo with who you want, invite her round too as DGPs for cucumber sandwich tea afterwards, and cake,v with anyone else you wanna invite.

No grandparent arranged party supercedes parents plans Espec if they get the only say on invite list with awful great aunties who you don't even like!

WillLokireturn · 21/08/2019 22:39

Update is dh told mil last night. She got upset, saying I'm trying to exclude her from her grandchilds life and she is trying to be nice. Don't think he mentioned it's not nice to exclude my side of the family or anything about boundaries hmm

Ach. You know that's bullshit. And that she's trying to manipulate her son and you. She could just as easily offered to arrange a party the day (or even weekend) AFTER his birthday or talked to you and asked what you wanted to do. Don't buy into her unreasonable playbook.

WillLokireturn · 21/08/2019 22:42

I mistyped earlier

I meant Who cares if BiL and random aunties can't make it on a different day to his actual birthday, and can only do that day if it is exclusive and held at MILs house without anyone else from your side, ... that day is always yours to have dibs on

WillLokireturn · 21/08/2019 23:05

So I'd go for

"Dear MIL, DH has just told me that you were thinking of planning a birthday party for your grandson on his birthday day which was just your side and didn't include his other grandparents, other side of family and any of his little friends. And that when DH mentioned we already have birthday arrangements and were arranging a teatime celebration, with both DGPs, that you became upset .

I'm sure DH has got his wires mixed as of course it's be weird for a grandparent to think it's ok to take over DS's special day from his parents nd exclude everyone else. Because we all love this super little chap!

Anyway, since we have worked out you are trying to help, it'd be super to come to you for DS to have a second birthday party and cake on the (whatever is next) day,! What a great idea!!

Do please ring me so we can arrange and always ring or contact me first when you get your great ideas , before you confirm with anyone else. He's our son and we always have plans in motion!
Look forward to hearing from you.
Love as always, Panda and PandaDH. Xx"

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 23:28

Have her on loud speaker with dh there - essential imo...

Catsinthecupboard · 22/08/2019 04:40

If it is just for dh's side, why not let her have it?

Tell her you want actual day but give her another day.

I say this nearly every time a mil thread comes up bc mine died and She spent 30+ years hating me.

The biggest most important things to remember is she is your dh mother, dc grandmother and you are teaching your dc how you would like to be treated.

(My mil tried take over ds first bd. I did not let her. But later birthdays, we reached compromised )

Mileysmiley · 22/08/2019 05:02

Dread having to talk to her myself. She isn't an easy woman to talk to. She doesn't listen well and will somehow twist the conversation to her being the victim or something

Tell her to butt out because you are arranging the party for your son because after all he is your son not hers. If she becomes difficult just tell that she doesn't have to attend her grandson's party if she feels so strongly about it. Then say "Don't say another word MIL, it ain't happening and you know it OK!" "We all want little Jonny to have a nice party don't we?" "So stop being a controlling witch" I think that will stop her interference don't you?

Tonnerre · 22/08/2019 06:49

Update is dh told mil last night. She got upset, saying I'm trying to exclude her from her grandchilds life and she is trying to be nice.

Did he tell her she's free to have the party any other day? If not, it might be worth you phoning to say that it appears he may not have made that clear and ask if she wants to do that.

You certainly need to make it clear to your husband that her coming along on the zoo visit is not an option.

aweedropofsancerre · 22/08/2019 08:46

Sounds like your DH didn’t support you at all and simply told his DM that you said no. So DM will be seething with anger towards you as your crap DH didn’t have the bollocks to advise his DM that you are organising your own thing for your DS birthday and that she shouldn’t have tried to do so without discussion. It’s time for your DH to stand by you or you will become the focus of blame and accusations as at the moment he is merely acting like a messenger. If he can’t stand up to her then you are going to have to and he needs to support you.

ChuckleBuckles · 22/08/2019 09:14

Let her organise the meal OP, then tell everyone YOU want to attend (including her ex-husband, the other grandad) the time and place that the birthday meal is at, maybe include some random two year old's that attend any groups that your son is at and stand back and let her explain to her guests why she has not catered for everyone, or why she excluded half of her GC family from this "family" meal. Maybe get your DH to invest in a spine or pair of balls, whichever is easier.