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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 22/08/2019 09:24

Channel that military guy whose advice was Always smile, be polite and have a plan to kill everyone in the room. - I love this! I kind of do this anyway Grin

OP - don't be walked over even once and it will be a lot easier to NOT be walked over ever.

FiveLittlePigs · 22/08/2019 09:35

I once told my first MIL to fuck off and stop trying to arrange my life.

She actually apologised and thereafter was a total pussycat, always checking I was happy with something my then-DH told her was happening. My ex-SIL told me that MIL had me on a pedestal and respected me.

She couldn't understand why!

Gobbolinocat · 22/08/2019 09:50

Five it's typical bully behaviour... When someone stands up to them and has leverage. It's sad things ever have to get to that stage though.

Re earlier poster on teaching dc how to be treated! I hope they treat me in normal accordance to our relationship.

If I push, demand, control, sulk, manipulate etc I pray my dc are robust enough to call me out directly, or Tell me to bugger off. I wouldn't want people in misery, and spoiling the years of their lives with young children due to totally selfish stupid grand parent.

FiveLittlePigs · 22/08/2019 10:03

I wouldn't want people in misery, and spoiling the years of their lives with young children due to totally selfish stupid grand parent

Totally agree. Makes you wonder why some people are so blinkered though.

Gobbolinocat · 22/08/2019 10:06

Five, it's usually the blinkered self centred ones that cause all the trouble, it's because they are selfish . The kind nice ones are usually the kind nice ones.

NewStarterPack · 22/08/2019 10:09

Oh the old "I didn't get my way so I'll sulk/ be upset and everyone will cave/feel sorry for me/give in and horrible DIL won't do it again because she now looks bad".

Op, if you are going to be thought of as the bad guy then you may as well wear that hat.

I learnt to totally ignore my MILs PA/ emotional blackmail like I was advised to ignore a 3- year olds tantrums. It works. I used to say "ok then" and change the subject, pretending I didn't register what was going on, but seethed in private later.

chocpop · 22/08/2019 11:07

I hate reading these threads after an update, it's nearly always a MIL problem which is made worse by a DP acting weak and pandering to them with stupid excuses.

DP needs to grow a back bone and act like a father, not a son. MIL needs to be firmly told that any plans need to be ran past the both of you and they'll only go ahead if both families are included/it suits you both. You need to be confident and self assured enough to defend what you want against the both of them.

It's that or 18 years of an overbearing MIL. If you go with the latter, there's no point complaining about it, it'll just be the norm. Hope you get it sorted out but it definitely needs to be nipped in the bud now or every social event will be the same circus.

Drabarni · 22/08/2019 11:16

You have a serious dh problem Sad Mil can act how she wants but doesn't sound like your dh is on the same page as you.
I think you need to give him an ultimatum or you are going to be pushed out by mil who will become your child's substitute mother.
Good luck, he's been conditioned well.

GreenTulips · 22/08/2019 12:38

The DH problem is that think ‘Oh mums cooking dinner, I’ll go’

Rather than ‘it’s DD birthday, better check what we’re doing first’

They are inherently selfish and think of themselves first and everyone else second

Remoteisland · 22/08/2019 13:42

@GreenTulips

So so true! My STBXH always fed himself before the kids, even if we were running behind schedule and home late from somewhere and the children were really hungry. Claimed he couldn’t focus on their needs while he was hungry!! So self-centred. Used to enrage me.

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