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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil trying to take over son's birthday

260 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 12:59

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

OP posts:
HJWT · 19/08/2019 14:08

No I'm sorry but id sooner write MUG across my forehead than let my MIL get away with that! How shit would that make your family feel 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sleepsoon7 · 19/08/2019 14:09

You need to decide what you want to do. Does it bother you. If so then you have been given great advice about how to deflect. Were you planning anything with your side of the family? If not then personally I’d be happy to go to MILs but on a day that suited. Does sound like your MIL is one that only considers DHs side of family as true family though which can be a battle in itself. Decide what works for you and stand firm on that (and repeat on the coming years in relation to each situation as it inevitably arises....)

tympanic · 19/08/2019 14:09

What’s wrong with you people? Err... is expecting to be treated with respect somehow wrong?

Aebj · 19/08/2019 14:11

i would be telling her that your parents would also like to see grandson on his birthday. So to keep fair and in line of what you have planned, everyone is welcome to meet you at the zoo.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 14:12

Your updates are making me more and more angry on your behalf! I am quite non confrontational but you don't organise a party for anyone on their birthday and then only invite your own friends and family. And organise it around what's best for one of the guests rather than the birthday person (unless possibly they are terminally ill or something).
Her actions are deliberately excluding your family and any family friends you might want to invite (some kids do form relationships with other kids at that age).
Either have a party at your house where his other half if the family is invited, or do something with just your husband and son and screw the politics

pappajonessecretchild · 19/08/2019 14:13

Go to the zoo. Obviously, all welcome to the zoo. if she cant go due to already arranging this, then tell her you will pop in after the zoo with ds for an hour before he goes home to bed. hopefully your mum and whoever can go to the zoo.

BarbedBloom · 19/08/2019 14:13

This wouldn't be happening. My family would also want to see a GC on their birthday. I would be telling DH it isn't happening and that it is a shame some of his family are busy on other days as you are busy on the day of the birthday.

I really would make this a hill to die on as it will only get worse

youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2019 14:14

Yes it would bother me.
Not the arranging a family meal or the cake - that's nice.

But to assume your all go to her and that your family aren't involved in her plans.

Is just text.

Thanks for offer of meal for ds birthday. We are holding a tea at our house between x and y time (nice added hint an open house is great at this age!) but are free on x dates to do meal. Let us know which if those days is convenient for you.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 19/08/2019 14:15

apparently it has to be that day because bil and his wife are very busy and can only do that day

too bad, you already have made plans that day (the zoo), but you really look forward to a rescheduled date when convenient for everybody.
In the meantime, book whatever you want to do with your own family or friends if you want, so that's 2 days that will not be convenient.

Keep it nice and friendly, but very firm.

Much better to put your foot down now in the nicest possible way, than live with resentment and aggravation for years to come.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/08/2019 14:18

What’s wrong with you people? If my MIL did this I’d be so grateful!

You would be grateful if your MIL had a party to make sure your own mum does not get to see her GC on their actual birthday, not to mention the rest of your family and friends?

chocpop · 19/08/2019 14:19

"Sorry, we have already planned and booked something for DS on his birthday. His cake has also been ordered. You'll have to cancel the meal and cake as he will already have one and his party to go to. For future reference, it would be better if you would check with us what our plans are for our sons birthday before booking anything again"

If she gets arsey then explain that he is your son and while you're open to suggestions, you'll be the one planning and booking things for him. I'd also then remind her that a family dinner isnt suitable for a 2 year old and is quite a boring party but that's me just being sassy Biscuit

Summerunderway · 19/08/2019 14:20

Suggest they keep the cake for their Very Important Guests but you won't ba able to make it...

NewStarterPack · 19/08/2019 14:20

OP, I had a very overpowering MIL who tried to take over, but failed.
One thing I did was make sure I always headed her off at the pass and was 2 steps ahead of her. My DH is bends with the strongest wind i.e. her (read that on here) and so I had to tell him a few white lies.

I actually took a professional cake baking course to head her off organising my cakes. Sounds a massive faff but I am now like bake off standard.

My advice to you is to be 6-12 months ahead of her. Get out your calendar for the next year and see what holidays and occasions there are. Make plans or at least mental plans. e.g. for DS's 3rd we are...get it booked. For Easter we are....., For Christmas we are.......

Run the plans by your DH and get them booked in without mentioning his family. Then, when told what you are doing on a certain day you can tilt head and say "oh, we are going to .... It's already booked."

After a couple of years doing this my MIL got the message and stopped asking.

KUGA · 19/08/2019 14:21

I agree with AfterSchoolWorry.
How dare she even think about taking your childs birthday over.
I would tell her no.
But you are more than welcome to come to his party that we have organised.
That way it may smooth things over.
A MIL from hell .Good luck for the future .
YOU WILL NEED IT.

Happy 2nd Birthday little one.

NewStarterPack · 19/08/2019 14:24

Your MIL basically thinks she is head elephant and trying to bring you all into line.

Saying your sons house is too small for a party or whatever is also massively rude, undermining and disrespectful. Just suck it up and help out.

diddl · 19/08/2019 14:24

" Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her."

He can go then!

But you & your son won't be there!

I mean in effect she can organise what she wants were she wants-but she can't make you or your son go!

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 19/08/2019 14:26

Thanks for all the replies. Will definitely tell mil thanks, but no thanks.

NewStarterPack good idea, was tempted to get some cake cookbooks and practice my cake baking skills for the future.

If I invited inlaws to the zoo would I have to pay for their tickets?

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 19/08/2019 14:28

It depends if you'll be paying for your family to go as well.

But stick with your plan of going to the zoo and suggest she throws her party the weekend AFTER.

lmusic87 · 19/08/2019 14:29

No, they should be prepared to pay that.

I would have felt the same as you OP, it's your child.

itswinetime · 19/08/2019 14:30

Dh just informed me, apparently it has to be that day because bil and his wife are very busy and can only do that day hmm

It's your son it's your choice of dates I would say we don't think it's fair to spend the day with just one side of the family Or do alternate years etc so we will be spending the day just the 3 of us (unless you have other dcs) we would be happy to see you all on x date at x time to celebrate and then it's up to you is you want to have. Both sides together or do it separately! It's not a discussion you not need excuses and you don't need to apologise! If you dh disagrees ask him is it would be nice if your mum took over and planned what the three of you were doing for Christmas etc

RatherBeRiding · 19/08/2019 14:31

Panda - no you wouldn't have to pay for their tickets.

"We're going to the zoo for DS's birthday but you're welcome to join us. You can get your tickets online at....... and they're £....."

DarlingNikita · 19/08/2019 14:32

she said there isn't enough room and it's alot of work to cook for so many so only DH's side of the family is invited

Even more reason not to do it then, if she can't and won't accommodate the whole family.

Bypass your useless DH apart from informing him of what you're going to tell MIL just before you do so.

GreenTulips · 19/08/2019 14:34

So annoying! Why does she think a 2 year old would enjoy family meal? He’ll want to run round and be hyper.

Say we are going to X zoo at 10am - tickets are £X each did you want to come.

Nice and clear they are expected to pay.

Personally I wouldn’t invite her, she has guests to attend too!!

In fact I wouldn’t even mention the zoo and just not go. Try explaining that to Aunt Bully.

Like to see your DH dig himself out of that hole as well

Summerunderway · 19/08/2019 14:39

Ring the zoo in advance.
Request they have a Cheeky Fuckers cage ready....
Grin

SockMachine · 19/08/2019 14:43

What about your side of the family?

She is outrageous!

Zoo and grandparents invited round later for cake.