Mil trying to take over son's birthday

[PandaAtTheZoo]

Son is 2 in about 2 months. Mil has informed us that she is organising a meal for DH's family at her house for his birthday. On the actual day as well. She says she has picked out a cake for it as well. AIBU to think this is cheeky and be quite annoyed. To have already started organising it without asking us first and to pick out a cake as well. Feels like she is trying to take over and and this may sound silly but trying to steal my sons birthday from us. She hasn't asked for any of our input or if it's okay. Would this bother you. Dh isn't bothered, he thinks it's nice of her.

@PandaAtTheZoo On my DD's 1st Birthday my MIL wanted to come round at 6AM to be here when DD woke up to see her open her presents 🤔

Consider doing what my friends sister did with her overbearing MIL.
Her husband was allowing his mother dictate all traditional holidays and it was spilling over into their child's first birthday. She was "told" Mum is doing child's first birthday party at her house. No conversation, no discussion. She never answered or got into it with her husband.

Birthday arrived and she got up, bag packed, headed to her sister's house while husband had popped out.

When her husband got very arsey and righteous with her on the phone, she told him that if he ever "told" her anything again regarding her children, their marriage was over and to get back to her when he was ready to apologise.

It took him three days to come round but by this time she was even crosser.

She had been stewing about things since the christening and had had enough.

Don't allow it to get to that stage. Tell your husband, you make arrangements for your family not his mother.

Sort this out sooner rather than later.

HJWT what did you tell her when she expected that?

Seems quite a few people have problems with boundaries with their inlaws
I don’t think that it’s always in-laws problem. I personally can’t imagine my MIL doing this but it’s totally my Mum’s style.

Wow, how hurtful that would have been for your family!! Your dh didn’t think of them did he

As the poster before me said.
How did your dh react when you pointed out not one member of your family was invited to the party?
How could he think that was fair or kind?

We always have my kids parties at my mums house.
However my in-laws are always invited even though my mother isn't my MILs biggest fan.
It keeps it fair and she would never plan something like this without my permission.
We never cook a big meal it's always a table of party food and maybe pizza for later which cuts back on the cooking and I help with the food.
I'd definitely say no to your MIL she sounds very controlling and if you give into her once she will try and steam roller you on all kinds of things.

Don't pay for the IL's tickets to the zoo hopefully the zookeeper will recognize your MIL as the unique species that she is and he'll catch her and make her a brand new exhibit!

Do you have family around too OP? Sorry if I missed that.

I would tell her you are busy that day. Or if I was really feeling like being a bitch I just wouldn't turn up on the day. Would love to see mil explain to the family why you aren't there.

greenlynx Agree but it's perhaps harder to get your partner on board for setting boundaries with their family

IsAStormApproaching ill have to ask him that

EKGEMS 😂

MyOtherProfile I only have my parents, no siblings

RebootYourEngine tempting but dh wouldn't allow that

billy1966

How did that go down after worn MIL?

You see I’d have done exactly the same thing

This would annoy me so much as well. How presumptuous of your MIL to assume that not only did you have nothing planned, but that your DS should only be spending that day with their side of the family and not yours.

Boundaries with ILs are so difficult sometimes. We have a little one on the way and my FIL has already been talking about how they are going to host the 1st birthday party, which is definitely NOT happening!

Personally, I wouldn't feel obliged to invite your ILs to the zoo. Just because it's your DS birthday, they don't have to be involved in every single plan. I might be tempted to have a little gathering at your house at some point (either that day or another day) but with your family there too, to set the precedent that both sides are included and equally important in your son's life. Also, they are the guests, not you. Then your MIL can bring the cake if she wishes so she still feels included somehow, but it's under your terms (and your roof, so you have more control).

Definitely have a firm word with your husband... He needs to support you when setting boundaries with family. Not sure why some men struggle so much with this but best to nip in the bud now when DS is still young.

I believe there was a huge hooha about it at the time and the husband was arsey because he was getting it in the neck from his mother over "her party".

The thing was, friends sister was finally, really, really pissed off and their marriage was very unstable for a while afterwards.

Lots of pent up bad feeling on the wife's side and I think her husband had just been preoccupied with keeping the peace and didn't know his wife as well as he thought.

When he realised the marriage might end he turned it around but as I said she was very upset for a good while.

They stayed married but she never allowed her MIL to get away with any imposition again.
However, the MIL did back off when her son told her the marriage was in trouble.

Some women do think they can dictate what their children do beyond adulthood. It makes for unhappy marriages though.

I think unfortunately it's a mistake to be too passive and accommodating around domineering people.

The idea that a MIL would arrange a party with out consulting the mother of the child and exclude the mother's side of the family is just madness. Putting up with that type of bullshit is never going to end well.

I couldn't look at a man who would think that was reasonable.

I would be very annoyed and there is no way I would allow it to happen. I'm pretty sure a 2-year old wouldn't want to have dinner with all the family as a birthday celebration either.

I would be telling DH that I am furious and that it isn't going to happen. Because she has been such a CF, I would make sure that DH and I took DC out for the day to some things that are more exciting and age-appropriate.

What if you'd wanted to make a cake for your little one? What about your family - do you have family who would perhaps want to be involved. If so, how fair is MIL's plan on them?

Take control now otherise there is no saying how much of a CF MIL will be in the future. Set your boundaries and do not let them be crossed by anyone.

Op this thread is making me feel anxious just reading it!
I am sure mn hand held an op through similar but it was baptism party?

My Mil is just the same. She wouid force dh round through endless emails, calls, to collect huge massive cakes!
Even now she tries to do a cake, and foist it on us. It's bizzare. I wouldn't mind so much if she asked, and when we showed her photos of a cake we did, she scrutinised the picture then handed them back with wasp sting face.

I was tempted by cake course as well 😂, this is what jealous, over bearing, domineering mils can drive us too.

If I'd had the money I would have done one. I'd like to learn the skills anyway and the creative side.
Op you've mostly had brilliant advice. Light drizzle etc all say boundaries and they are right. Get them up now.

Please do not allow your child's bday revolve around bil and sils schedule!! How insulting and rude!

"Very kind of you to think of doing that, but we are going to make our own arrangements for the day of our son's birthday. It's a lovely idea to also hold a birthday meal for him in your house though, and if you still want to do that in addition to his official birthday plans, send us a few dates that you have free and I'm sure we'll find something to suit all of us!"

Absolutely no way I would be letting anyone tell me what the plans for my child's birthday were.

Of course, by "very kind of you" I meant "how absolutely cheeky, rude, presumptuous and controlling of you" ...

But in terms of keeping the peace, I think the "very kind... but..." effectively makes the point that the MIL is overstepping and takes back control, without actually and directly calling her a CF to her face, which would undoubtedly be tempting!

@PandaAtTheZoo I told her no its not happening 🤣 then she wanted us to drive 40 mins out of our way to bring DD to see her before we went out for the day (we planned to take her to sea life on the day) I think she fell out with us for probably 3 months after that! . No contact with her now as shes a psycho 🤔 wants everything her way with DD! Not going to happen xx

'I have to say that doing a professional cake decorating course does seem a bit.....over invested'.

Sounds like fun.

"Aah sorry MIL, that's the day of his actual birthday so that won't work for us, as obviously we're making our own plans for OUR little boy's special day" - that's all you need to say/do

FFS that's beyond annoying. Why must some people make everything about themselves??

Do exactly what you want to do, stuff her!

Suggest meeting the following week end and let dc do a cake smash with mil's cake!!

Fuise

It's just so thoughtless. Why is there endless threads about this sort of thing? How could anyone think it's OK to commandeer a child's bday like that.. Why would anyone say, thanks for being so kind when someone has literally cut one half of the child's family out of it

My MIL did something similar for DC2s 2nd birthday. MIL hosts all celebrations within the family for OHs sisters and their children.

MIL assumed that she would host all of our children's events as well. I was really annoyed when OH told me that he had agreed to go to MILs for DC2s birthday.

MIL means well and her heart is in the right place, but it's important to me that we organise our DCs birthdays.

Now, we have a good compromise. We do what we want for DCs birthday and then MIL hosts a family meal at a later date. It means the children get more than 1 celebration.

Lilaclady9 yeah boundaries with the inlaws are so difficult sometimes, I'm always reading threads on here about inlaws crossing boundaries. Your FIL is very cheeky talking about how they are going to host the 1st birthday party. What did you say to that if you don't mind me asking?

billy1966 quite shocking the dh allowed such a family fallout because he was too bothered about keeping the peace with his mother.

Summerunderway 😂