To be expected to pay/contribute to uniform when maintenance is paid

[Cosybythefire11]

Just asking this out of curiosity of opinions if anything.

If a parent pays child maintenance every month towards to upkeep of a child, should the other parent ask them to pay for/contribute towards a school uniform?

YABU - yes the parent should contribute
YANBU - no the parent shouldn’t contribute

Youd have to get on extremely well with your ex to even consider it which as we know a lot of people do not.

I think it would cause more arguments than it solved for most people. It creates its own set of problems.

We know you think your ex is fantastic and you're happy to share a lot of things but thats your lifestyle and whilst its great for you it would be a lot of peoples idea of hell.

Well considering dps child stayed in the home theyd lived in since birth i dont really see your point.

Of course the parent should pay.

Maintenance is the bare minimum that the govt has deemed appropriate it's not a target and I'm appalled that people would treat it as such.

I have a friend who's ex is a lawyer. Earns at least half a million. Gives (begrudgingly) the govt minimum. He has other DC so it works out little more than £1k per month. Doesn't come close to representing half of what she spends on her child.

Fortunately she's a high earner so she more than manages but it really sticks in her throat that he considers himself to be parent of the year for handing over on his words a "huge amount" of her to "fritter"

Some of those people might have to out their own views on the backseat and consider what might be best for the kids.

If you've set up a life in Hampstead that you can't maintain for the kids post break up, you better get creative with solutions (such as birdnesting) before you swan off and pick up other responsibilities.

Do you think my ex thought about having another baby before he saved up and eventually collaborated with his new partner to buy local? Renting wasn't secure enough for him because he worked out that he would be paying less money on a mortgage and rent would increase and he was getting the initial place cheap. He needed to stay local and have enough space so he prioritised that.

In theory, each parent should pay half of all costs of raising the child. Of course in practise, that doesn't happen for many of us.
I get £10 a week off DD2's father as his contribution towards raising her, so I would feel completely justified in asking him to contribute towards her school uniform.
The only reason I don't ask, is that he's a disgusting waste of skin that won't give a penny more to support his child than the CMS directs him to!

My ex says he ‘pays enough’. So the cost of school uniforms is ‘not his problem’
He only pays that because the cms take it from his account !

I get the princely sum of £50 a week for two

Cost of school uniform including shoes is £150 +. So far

kewl why are you bringing second families into it? this isnt even about that.

Whilst technically all a single adult or a couple without children needs is a 1 bedroom property the vast majority of most people will rent/buy a 2 bedroom or above. Therefore the cost of housing 1 child or 2 same sex siblings who can share a room isn't double for the RP compared with the NRP. The RP is also entitled to benefits that the NRP isn't in receipt of.

CMS is woefully inadequate in probably the majority of cases where the NRP doesn't earn much and/or doesn't see their DCs or have them for overnights. Problem is I see this assumption time and time again on MN threads where it's clear the NRP sees their children regularly and has the same housing requirements as the RP.

That birdnesting idea is bonkers- you'd have to be so laid back about splitting with your ex, you'd be horizontal. Then going through separation talks etc whilst keeping calm and neutral? It works on a presumption that a split will be amicable from start to finish, which is nuts. You dont split up with someone because you get on so well together you just cant cope.

What if he's bonking someone in the new apartment and doesn't change the sheets before you move in for the weekend?

Plus it's messed up for the kids. I don't buy that it's more stable. Is mummy sleeping in daddy's bed, or is daddy sleeping in mummy's bed? Who can I expect to be there?

Smacks of parents making life easier for themselves as a temporary solution instead of thinking about what is best for the children long term and realising that it may take some difficult decisions and sacrifices (on their part) to reach that outcome. Load of bollocks.

Wasn't this thread about school uniform.....?

What if the NRP simply doesn't have enough money to pay for it? It isn't always cut and dried.

It's about stabilising the lives of the existing family before you create more responsibilities. If you and your ex have to "birds nest" so as not disrupt the life of the kids because you can't afford 2 similarly sized houses in the area they are settled, then you put your differences behind you and get on with that. That means no squabbling or passive aggressive behaviour. Communicating effectively to ensure the house runs smoothly and doing what you can to increase finances and contribute.

Who cares if you hate each other? It isn't about you. Do the swap in a way where you don't see each other. Talk by email. Whatever. Just get the fuck over it for your kids already.

That's the general you. Not you you.

The reality is that it will not work for most people. It just wont.

I also think iys massively confusing for any children involved and actually a pretty inappropriate "solution"

Likely because people get so caught up in their romantic relationship that they forget about their dependents.

As I said in another thread, my ex left because he felt I was a changed woman after working on my assertiveness. That hurt. A lot. I was angry because I didn't even think it changed much in our relationship. But I had to put that aside to stabilise things for kiddo. I could have left him stranded to try and do all the things he would have wanted to do without the resources to do it but that would just hurt my kid so why would I? We made this life. Okay he opted out of sharing it like we did but that isn't kiddo's fault.

I think it entirely depends on the situation. Exdh is extremely generous now with the maintenance so I paid for all the logo'd uniform and shoes etc for two DC (one is going into the schools uniformed nursery in september). However when he dropped them off he also gave me a bag with two school shoes , school t shirts and trousers . I didn't ask but he wanted to contribute...hes under no illusions.

I know I am fortunate and I can go to him if things are tight( and contextually I have a DP as well) but ultimately he and I want the DC to have a good start to a new school year. So basically a good man is one who would help to pay for the uniform

@Kewlwifee whilst I agree with what you're saying, you have to appreciate that for so many split up couples that is not the case and you can say 'just get over it and put the kids first' but that only works when both parents have that ethos- otherwise you have one reasonable parent and one bellend.

Also, even where both parents believe they are being reasonable but differ in opinions its not going to work.

Break ups are acrimonious- its very naive to say otherwise. You are in a very rare situation to get on with your ex as you do, but it is really not like that for the rest of us.

You can be as rational as you like but if theyre not on the same page, you might as well be talking to yourself.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl I think it's selfish as a 'solution'.

No kewl how about it wont work if youve got an abusive ex? Or your shift patterns dont match up? Or what if you just dont want to sleep in the same bed as your ex?

This has nothing to do with romantic relationships

You can keep a stable life for your kids without "birdsnesting"

Nah the better solution is to move the kids out of the marital home, and reduce their quality of life to an inch of what it was so the parents get to Express just how much they hate each other.

Pretty sure nobodies said that!

I said you cant expect your ex to pay your rent.

I also said dss stayed in the house hes always lived in, as many children do.

I'm saying that all parents should have this philosophy so these things can work.

Regardless, I don't think it's acceptable to refuse to give money for extras like uniform or trips and only the shittiest parents would condone that. I'm done here. It's actually making me angry now.

It depends on many factors. Obviously how much is paid in maintenance in the first place. It would be risible to ask a father who pays over £1400 a month for two kids to ask for more. It is different if maintenance is £100.

Also, it depends how reasonable the rp is. My colleague agreed to pay half of uniforms u til the mum said it cost £500. When he questioned it, she got angry 5bst he would doubt her. It turned out she felt their child should have four lots of uniform including blazeds because she didn't want to do any washing during the week. This was really unreasonable especially when the kids was almost 16 and old enough to do their own washing.

Its nothing to do with having eachother either its just not a practical or reasonable solution for most people.

This is interesting - I always bought the school uniform, paid for clubs, sports equipment etc out of the maintenance. It would never have occurred to me to get his father to pay towards it. I may have mentioned it on occasion to his father, but only as a "look what I am spending the maintenance on" as opposed to "you should pay me some more money"

Kewl that is an overly simplistic, reductionist argument of a complicated situation.