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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD - Daughter left home

319 replies

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 03:49

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 17/08/2019 04:21

Let her go, but also let her know she can come home as well.
Similar situation, DM and DD went to visit family leaving DB1 and me at home.
I tidied every day, cooked, fed cats etc. brother just left newspapers everywhere.
DP’s came home day early, after I worked am shift , to a tip.
I don’t know how DB1 could create such mess in such a short time.
I got the ‘I am so disappointed in you ‘ speech.
I was livid and if I could have left I would have.
I moved out soon After and it still gets up my nose 30 years later.
Good luck

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 04:28

My daughter left home at 18yrs and went to uni ... she never returned home because she wanted her independence .... My son will never leave home because he likes his home comforts.

Sometimes you have let your children do their own thing

flamingpink · 17/08/2019 04:31

Stop chasing her. She’s 17 and full of rage/hormones. Your best approach is to let her be and let her come to me. Just send her a message that says “I feel really sad that we couldn’t have chatted and sorted this out. Just know that this is always your home and if you want to talk I’m here. Love you” then leave her to it. Maybe it’s good that she’s got to stand on her own two feet. A dose of reality. It’s now a waiting game. I hated my mother at 17. It will pass but you’ve got to stand back and be a bit nonchalant whilst being quietly supportive. Don’t do crying/over emotional. Keep it in or share with your DP. You’ve also got to set some boundaries. She goaded your DP and that’s not on.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 17/08/2019 04:32

Did you ask them or tell them they had to look after your pets and the house?
Did both DD and DSS agree?
Why did DD "cop the shit" and not DSS? Just because she got home first, or because she's a girl, or because she doesn't work as many hours as her stepbrother?
Do you always put DSS first, or your DP?
DD is 17 and in many ways still a child, especially if she's at college so not working/"adulting" as such.
Did you ask if she wanted to go on holiday with you?

BitchyArriver · 17/08/2019 04:42

Well firstly, those poor cats!!

But honestly, imagine for a minute that DSS made the mess (not saying he did but for arguments sake) and all of a sudden your DP is upset/angry and you are joining in blaming her. You said she had no idea anything was wrong.

It seems like quite the overreaction considering the mess only took 2 hours to straighten out. Hardly a trashed house after a teenager party. Can you clarify what you mean by absolute shit tip???

I’m guessing your DD has moved out due to a combination of factors. Do you put DP above her?

StoppinBy · 17/08/2019 04:50

I think not caring for the pets whether they were asked to or not is not ok.

I don't think the house was that big of a mess if it only took a couple of hours to tidy it - takes me longer than that to do my house on a good day.

Did DSS cop a serve of what your DD did or was it just her? I would try to calmly sort it out with her when everyone is calm.

Let her know the door is open but that you will need to talk about what happened when she does return. If she is old enough to left alone while you holiday then she is old enough to take off for a few days without too much harm coming to her.

BitchyArriver · 17/08/2019 04:52

Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy.

Hmm, you sound like you thought that you were doing them some sort of favour ‘letting’ them live in their own home while you went on holiday to America.

Did you think it would be a treat for them to house/pet sit for you? What was the alternative, (if they didn’t agree to the stipulation, they kip in the shed for 10 days? Honestly asking.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/08/2019 04:55

You cleaned up in a couple of hours? Fucking hell, that may have been a little inconsiderate, but it is not a big deal. Why would you ever say “don’t bother coming back”. I think that is the most hideous thing a mother can say to her child, but well done for trying to deflect.

kmammamalto · 17/08/2019 05:02

You told her to go. Also she's only 17. There is a grown adult male here who doesn't get a mention who also left the house a mess and left animals to starve. Of the two, he certainly should have been in charge. I'm sorry I think you should apologise and leave her to it as long as you know she is safe. Take a long look at things and try and see where she is coming from .

BasinHaircut · 17/08/2019 05:03

Couple of ours straightening up - I’d have a moan at them (both) but couldn’t get worked up about it

Not emptying cat litter or feeding animals - not ok and I would have been upset and disappointed in them (both). At 17 and 24 they should have been able to manage to keep on top of that.

WWID In your current situation? Just tell her she can come home whenever she wants and wait it out. If your friend has spoken to her and she is ok, and you know where she is staying. Presumably it’s with a friends and their parents so they’ll send her back soon enough

BasinHaircut · 17/08/2019 05:04

And yes agree 24 year old should have been ultimately responsible not 17 year old.

BrokenLogs · 17/08/2019 05:13

Yes I think we need to hear how much shit you and your dp gave the DSS also.

NameChange84 · 17/08/2019 05:16

It wasn’t ok for the animals to be neglected.

That aside your adult DSS should have taken some responsibility too rather than your daughter getting all of the anger directed at her. There’s a world of difference between 17 and 24. Any adult would know leaving a teenager in charge of a home whilst they go off to America for 10 days could result in unwanted consequences. A lot of teenagers would have used the house as party central while you were away! A couple of hours worth of tidying wasn’t worth all of this.

I think you underestimate the pain and damage the words “don’t ever come back” can cause. You’ve basically told her that she’s nothing to you, totally dispensable, and from what she said, about never being the priority, she’s already bearing some long term resentment and thinking she doesn’t matter as much as your partner.

You told her to leave and she did. The next move is up to her.

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 05:24

It’s striking that you don’t mention your reaction to stepson.

Did he cop a major telling off too?

NameChange84 · 17/08/2019 05:25

Also...what do you mean you are “still disappointed with her”?

About what?

Original poster
ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 05:28

@PomBearWithAnOFRS we told them both that we were going on holiday and asked them if they would be happy to look after the animals and house. They both agreed. DD copped the shit because it was obvious that it was her mess. DSS is more like a lodger in that he basically lives in his room with his girlfriend and apart from the odd trip to the kitchen they are rarely seen. With regards to putting DP first - it depends on the situation. Things have changed a lot in the relationship between my DD and DP as she has gotten older and things are certainly more volatile but I do always try and see both sides and sometimes it isn’t in her favour. With regards the holiday, we did discuss a family holiday but she wasn’t interested, plus she’d just started a new job so didn’t want to book time off

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 17/08/2019 05:32

I completely understand how you were upset. A couple of hours worth of mess wouldn't upset me... especially not from the 17 year old, I'd be Hmm at the 24 year old, but a couple of hours isn't major although I know it's horrible to come back from a long flight to a mess.

Not caring for the animals is not on. Did you find out how long it had been since they were fed?

I think everyone has catastrophised the situation a bit and flown off the handle. Does your DH have form for doing this which could go some way to explaining your DD's reaction.

Certainly the 24 year old should bear far more responsibility for this than the 17 year old.

I think you should have asked for explanations from both before having a word, but I get that in the heat of the moment that isn't easy.

I think just let your DD know you are there for her and just wait.

Nautiloid · 17/08/2019 05:33

Sorry cross posted with your update so some of my post is irrelevant.

Original poster
ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 05:33

Don’t get me wrong - I am not proud of myself for saying those words to her and I know I would have reacted exactly the same way if my mum had said it to me. It was truly a knee jerk reaction to her storming off and definitely not my proudest moment.

OP posts:
Upsiedasie · 17/08/2019 05:36

You have overreacted. Yes it’s a bit annoying but you told her not to bother coming back? And you let your partner follow her into the street and have a go at her in front of her friends.

She told you you always put DP first. Maybe you need to listen to her.

Palaver1 · 17/08/2019 05:37

She will be back she’s enjoying her freedom it’s a very delicate age.
I’m sorry this has marked your holiday.
I can see why you might have been upset.
Both children have been disrespectful and I would expect better from the eldest they both don’t respect you because .I would have thought they would have done a mad dash to get the house cleared ready for your arrival.
Your partner fuelled this and you rubber stamped his behaviour you in fact ganged up on her.
You can see where your wrong don’t ignore your partners input his very very wrong jet lag or not.
When there seems to be inequality it’s rather painful.
You know your child best after a couple of days you need to find a way to sort out the issue maybe with the support of her aunt.
Be careful with what you say .
Cheer up.

sashh · 17/08/2019 05:37

With regards to putting DP first - it depends on the situation.

This is your problem.

Your dd has one parent, and that parent does not put her first.

If DSS is like a lodger then you basically left a 17 year old to look after three pets and housekeep. That's a lot for a teenager to do.

IdaBWells · 17/08/2019 05:39

Is she usually responsible for the whole house and pets? My eldest would be fine but my middle dd is incredibly messy (although she adores animals so they would not be neglected) and I could easily see here not recognizing that the house was a top. Your reaction does seem really strong. She is not an adult but is working and doesn't sound like a bad kid. Your reaction seems OTT, did you explain very clearly your expectations? Also, just because DSS spends "all the time in his room with his girlfriend" he is still the adult and may well have spent much more time downstairs with you away.

No way would DH and I have treated our kid that way. What time of day did you get home? Were you exhausted?

IdaBWells · 17/08/2019 05:41

It's not the end of the world, keep offering an olive branch. Parents are not perfect.

flamingjune123 · 17/08/2019 05:41

Right now she's on her holidays and it will feel like she's on a sleepover with a friend. Once friend's parents realise they may need to feed and house her indefinitely they may feel very different having her stay. Let her stay where she is for now, she's just having a strop. If this continues she can approach the council who may or may direct her to a room in a hostel she could access. She'll soon realise that the adult world will always have rules and that the ones at home may not be as awful as she thinks they are. She may be under the impression that she can approach the council and they'll magic up a nice little flat for her!
Please don't plead or beg, it could make it into a much bigger issue than it actually needs to be. Also don't make her stay at her friend's any more comfortable by giving her any money. Let her find out for herself what the grown up world is like
I think 17 year old's are often not responsible enough to look after a home adequately unless told specifically ' cats need feeding twice a day, clean out litter tray every two days ( or whatever, I've no idea as advent got cats)
I'd also agree with posters about your DSS. He is a grown man and, as such, had primary responsibility not her