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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - Daughter left home

319 replies

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 03:49

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 05:41

DSS is more like a lodger in that he basically lives in his room with his girlfriend and apart from the odd trip to the kitchen they are rarely seen

So how much housework is he asked/expected to do?

It sounds as if the entirety of looking after the cats/housework was expected to be done by your daughter. I don’t think you’ve answered what repercussions befell your stepson for the state of the house and failure to care for the cats?

Was his girlfriend there the whole time you were away too?

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/08/2019 05:43

You did say it seemed like she was “goading him into hitting her”. Come on OP, support your teenage child. Why did he go out to have a go? Did he want to be violent? It’s really shit isn’t it? Over nothing? Look at your DP closely, is that who you really want in your life?

NameChange84 · 17/08/2019 05:47

With all due respect @flamingjune123 my friend ended up living on the streets for 18 months rather than go back home to live in a similar set up after a similar row. She felt she had no self respect and wasn’t a priority to anyone and couldn’t bring herself to go back home to live with her mother and her partner. That’s how a lot of teenagers end up on the streets. You and I don’t know what the outcome could possibly be here. She is quite vulnerable.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 17/08/2019 05:52

Such a difference in expectations for your teenage daughter and adult stepson. I'm not surprised she lost her temper with you. So, because he lazes about in his room with his girlfriend when he's at home he's relieved of all responsibility for the house and the animals, but your 17 year old cops for the lot? Or is he just relieved of all responsibility because he has a penis and because your DP is his dad?

BrokenLogs · 17/08/2019 06:01

...because he has a penis and because your DP is his dad?

Most likely this.

How was it obviously your dd mess? Did your DSS not see the cat shit?

You are not coming across well here OP.

Original poster

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 06:03

Thank you all for your comments - some home truths have definitely come my way and I truly have some things to think about regarding our family dynamics. I certainly need to think more about DSS role in the whole issue. To be honest I have never had a lot to do with parenting him as he was an older teenager by the time I came on the scene - he’s almost always been left to his own devices. I can see now how unfair this would seem to my DD. I agree it has been an over reaction, myself and DP were both extremely tired when we got home and I was probably more emotional then I would have been normally. It was a lot of responsibility to put on my 17yo and I need to think carefully about how to put things right

OP posts:

OwlBeThere · 17/08/2019 06:05

@sashh give over! It’s really not a lot for a 17 year old to feed 3 animals! My ds is 14 with special needs and feeds 4 animals every day of his life.
The amount of ridiculous mollycoddling on this thread is insane.

blackcat86 · 17/08/2019 06:09

For starters I'm disgusted that both of them would abuse and neglect the cats. Lets call it what it is and its animal abuse. Either rehome them or ensure you pay for suitable care if you are away from the house in the future. What has your DP said to his son who left the pets and his minor step sister to live in cat shit? Personally I'd be kicking him out but then animal abuse boils my piss. As for DD you clearly need to reflect on what has happened. Age does not equal materity and they shouldnt have been left unsupervised for that long. Were you not checking in at all? Is there generally a lot of expectation on her to muck in whilst DSS locks himself away and does sweet FA?

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 06:12

@sashh give over! It’s really not a lot for a 17 year old to feed 3 animals!

I agree with that. I was feeding and cleaning out cages for my pets at the age of 9 and didn’t need someone standing over me to make me do it.

But if it’s not a lot to ask a 17 year old to do, it’s even less to ask a 24 year old to do.

By the sounds of things, OP’s stepson has been allowed to check out of family life entirely, live in his room with his girlfriend except for infrequent kitchen runs, and abrogate all responsibility for looking after the house and feeding the animals to a teenager.

And then cop zero flack for it when the parents return.

speakout · 17/08/2019 06:13

It's so sad that you have allowed your relationship with your DD to deteriorate so badly.
We only get one crack at this.

lawnmowingsucks · 17/08/2019 06:15

definitely not my proudest moment.

You think?

What an absolutely awful thing to say.

You have simply and clearly confirmed to your 17 year old DD that you prefer your DP and DSS to her. This preferential treatment and unfairness will stay with her for life

You were wrong. Not just a bit wrong but cataclysmically wrong

Put it right

MimiSunshine · 17/08/2019 06:18

My parents would have gone ballistic in your shoes OP.

I would go ballistic too if I walked in from holiday then had to spend a couple of hours tidying / cleaning my house. Those that think it’s nit s big deal aren’t seeming to get that there was cat shit on the floor 🤢

However just because DSS sticks to his room when you’re around doesn’t mean he and his girlfriend didn’t enjoy playing house while you were away so you can’t know for sure he didn’t leave some of the mess and even if he didn’t, he was asked to look after the house and Pets.

He did neither so is just as at fault as DD. He needs to be given his warning of ‘never again or you’re out’.

Then text DD if she won’t answer the phone and tell her you’re sorry, you love her and should never have said ‘don’t cone back’ so can you please meet up to talk?

rosedream · 17/08/2019 06:19

So your SS was there with his GF who would have also been responsible for the house and pets but are innocent in this for some reason.

Your partner is allowed to follow your D and shout at her.

It sounds like you ganged up on her and put all the blame on her. Took your frustration out on her.

The dynamics are not good here.

NameChange84 · 17/08/2019 06:19

It’s not just DSS you need to sort out, it’s his father.

Why wasn’t he “fuming” at his own adult son? Why was it your daughter that he, an adult, ran out in the street and had a full blown row with that, along with your comment, led to her making herself homeless?

His behaviour is also unacceptable, can’t you see that?

Original poster

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 06:21

I was sending DD and DSS regular messages checking all was ok but getting very little response. Neither of them are asked to do anything round the house on a day to day basis except keep their own rooms tidy and tidy up after themselves

OP posts:

lawnmowingsucks · 17/08/2019 06:26

Irrelevant

You have told your daughter to leave her home permanently, because of this

Imo that level of cruelty is utterly shocking

Put it right

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 06:27

Neither of them are asked to do anything round the house on a day to day basis except keep their own rooms tidy and tidy up after themselves

So neither are asked to do any household chores or given animal caring responsibilities on a regular basis? (Why not?) Your stepson is allowed to check wholesale out of family life?

A bit unrealistic and unfair then to expect your daughter to suddenly morph into a domestic goddess whilst you’re away, and meanwhile, stepson and girlfriend get to stay holed up in their room.

I may have missed it, but I can’t see where @ABoxersMum has explained why all the responsibility and blame is falling on a 17 year old and not a 24 year old?

Original poster

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 06:28

@NameChange84 My DP has apologised and said it was stupid of him to run after, he just wanted her to come back in the house. He understands that what he did along with what I said have made things worse.

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 17/08/2019 06:30

I don’t think 17 is to young to tidy after themselves as well as take care of pets.
At 17 the expectation in my home was to tidy up the house with my sisters we all had chores and it was a good thing we didn’t have pets but if we did we would have seen it as norm to tidy and keep the house we lived in clean we went to the market as well.
My parents both worked and still kept care of the house.I remember if ever they went away over night we knew to make a mad dash to tidy up before the return.
In some societies 17 year olds run their own home.

sashh · 17/08/2019 06:33

@sashh give over! It’s really not a lot for a 17 year old to feed 3 animals!

But she wasn't expected to just feed three animals, she was also expected to feed herself, keep the place clean and generally run a house.

I agree with that. I was feeding and cleaning out cages for my pets at the age of 9 and didn’t need someone standing over me to make me do it.

But a) these were your animals and b) what else were you doing around the house?

NameChange84 · 17/08/2019 06:34

@ABoxersMum Apologised to you or your daughter?

Palaver1 · 17/08/2019 06:34

You know your daughter best hopefully this will be a wake up call for all of you.
The lack of time invested in your stepson is partly to blame you can’t have him in the home if his not accountable.
Don’t know how you’ll get that sorted now as his at that age .
It might be time for him to find his own place.

OrangeSwoosh · 17/08/2019 06:35

I'd like to hear your daughter's take on the situation.

My mother and brother had a similar argument when my brother was just 15. He left and never came back.

A few years later, my younger sister than had an almost identical argument with my mother at 16. She left and never came back.

I didn't have the same argument, I put up and shut up until I left for uni. I left home for uni 12 years ago and never went back.

None of us have any contact with my mother. Neither do my step siblings or any of her 7 grandchildren.

She still doesn't see that she is the common denominator in the whole situation. Her version of events would be very different to the rest of ours.

Original poster

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 06:36

@Butchyrestingface you’re right I haven’t because I can’t explain it in my own head at the moment. I suppose I expected things to carry on as usual with the exception of tidying up after themselves and looking after animal. Yes DD got the brunt of it as she definitely will have utilised the living space more and will even have probably slept downstairs (she said she would probably do this before we went away).

OP posts:

Original poster

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 06:41

@NameChange84 he apologised to me. I’m the one trying to communicate with her at the moment and have asked him to leave it to me

OP posts:

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