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Original poster

WWYD - Daughter left home

319 replies

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 03:49

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

OP posts:
XXcstatic · 17/08/2019 16:05

My 17 year old is very mature and responsible but I wouldn't leave her for 2 weeks, not sure even a week looking after our pets it's a huge responsibility

It never ceases to amaze me how much teenagers are infantilised in the UK. Then we wonder why they struggle to live independently as adults.

Any 17 year old (unless additional needs) who can't manage to feed and clean up after a cat for a couple of weeks is a disgrace IMO. I don't think the OP handled the homecoming well, but her expectations were totally reasonable.

LovePoppy · 17/08/2019 16:15

For a 17 yr old who helps out normally, yes, expectations were reasonable.
For a 17yr old who has no responsibilities when mother is home, it’s unreasonable to expect her to know all that needs doing. OP hasn’t prepared her daughter for life.

Sounds like 24yr old is equally unqualified to live without an adult.

Everyone fully set up to fail

RandomMess · 17/08/2019 16:15

Of course my DD at just 17 is capable of looking after my pets BUT I don't want her having that responsibility whilst I'm abroad for 2 weeks because of the "what ifs" I know the temptation of not coming home overnight will be there which isn't fair on the animals etc. TBH when DH is away from work it impacts on my life a lot and I don't like it for a few days let alone 2 weeks.

I am cat sitting for a friend at the moment and yep I feel the responsibility of it, it's their beloved pet and if anything goes wrong they will be devastated.

Vgbeat · 17/08/2019 17:23

I feel sorry for you after some of the comments on here. I left home at 17 after a row with my step mum but she was a piece of work and I never went back. I don't blame you for shouting at your daughter as it's hardly much for a 17 year old to do, tidy up after themselves and do some cat litter that takes 5 mins. Your dp as clearly just trying to help but she's 17 and thinks she knows everything and did what stupid 17 year old do espy in front of there mates. It sounds like your ss did what was asked of him regards to the dog and wasn't there when it went off so I'm not sure about how it favouritism. Just let her know that the door is always open and it will all calm down. Good luck and don't take the comments to heart x

CW1976 · 17/08/2019 17:34

Well said Vgbeat.

TanMateix · 17/08/2019 17:37

I really find it interesting to see so many people thinking that a 17 year old needs so much supervision and cannot be relied upon. Do you expect they turn into responsible adults at the magic moment they turn 18? When they go to university?

Do them a favour and ask them to feed the cat and clean the tray, at least they would learn to eat on time and give the toilet seat clean.

Rinoachicken · 17/08/2019 18:27

How do you know the cats weren’t fed? Most cats I have known (including my own!) will do a fantastic job of convincing any and everyone that they are POOR STAAAAARVING KITTIES who haven’t t been fed for DAAAAAAAYS ... when actually they were fed half an hour ago

kierenthecommunity · 17/08/2019 20:08

So you left two spoiled brats with no responsibilities home alone for ten days, and are then shocked your house isn’t up to standard

This is what I thought to. There was a comment about how they didn’t do much around the house, why the hell not? When I was 18 and living at home I worked shifts in a pub full time and was still expected to do housework. I lived there, I contributed to the mess, so why not? Heaven help them when they get their own places!

The DSS sounds like he treats the place like a hotel being holed up with his girlfriend in his room. I hope he pays a lot of board.

The DD may have been the primary cat carer but the DSS was presumably happy to let the cats wallow in their shit too. Unless he has no eyes, no nose and no hands he must have been aware of it and could have done it - or told the DD it needed doing.

As for he works night shifts, unless they’re 23 hours long it doesn’t prohibit house work. Do all night workers live in squalor or do they tidy up mid afternoon/evening?

The DD sounds like a lazy little slob too. I wouldn’t expect to come home to a palace but it’s worrying she’s happy to live in a shit tip and expects mummy to sort her mess. I certainly wouldn’t have been cleaning up after her, she could have done that when she got in!

NewNewNewNew · 17/08/2019 20:12

Your DP had a go at her but not at his son.
She's right you expected her to tidy , why? Cos she's a woman?
You should've waited until the son was at home and asked them both what was going on.
Your DP has not right to question her. He's not her Dad.
So, what did your step son have to say about the mess?

AnyFucker · 17/08/2019 20:37

How are things this Saturday evening, op ?

owlalwaysloveyou · 17/08/2019 20:43

I don't agree with the view coming across from some posters which read as though parenting is a learning curve and they will make mistakes such as losing control of the situation which both parents here did. Of course adults will make mistakes, one of which here is clearly not having appropriate responsibilities and boundaries in place for their children before going on holiday. The daughter however seems to be held to a higher standard than the adults here, and it's not reasonable that she has made mistakes in not keeping the house tidy or keeping calm (when it appears adults had already lost control of situation instead of beginning a conversation).

At 17 I had no idea how to tidy properly. I wasn't an idle or immature teen but had never seen what normal running of a household entailed so this was a difficult learning curve for me, although this was down to an abusive household where a tidy home wasn't priority as opposed to everything was done for me.

I also agree with pp that there doesn't seem to be evidence of starved cats when litter boxes were overflowing and the furniture and fixtures weren't ruined.

I have a 15yo ds who often stays at ours. We have made the effort for her to learn age appropriate household responsibilities and when I recently had a week of nightshift, DH was working days while she was staying so adult always available if needed but not there prompting. She was able to take responsibility for feeding dog and letting him out (although this wouldnt have felt appropriate if she wasn't able to get support from us quickly in an emergency situation) as well as keeping the kitchen and her own space in order. On this visit she wasn't prompted to do these things but was given opportunity previously to learn these things. Op dd doesn't seem to have been afforded a similar opportunity.

SoupDragon · 18/08/2019 10:34

How do you know the cats weren’t fed?

Perhaps there was a significant amount of unused food.

DishingOutDone · 18/08/2019 10:47

So its been a week now OP? Think yourself lucky she is in touch with someone you know and that you know she is safe. I hope you will get some proper advice next week - it may be that sadly your DD is actually better off not coming back to live with you but maybe you will be able to re-build a relationship with her.

So a week on, I wonder how are DP and DSS viewing their part in all this?

Juells · 19/08/2019 08:57

I wonder how are DP and DSS viewing their part in all this?

I imagine they feel entirely justified, if they think about it at all. The tale will be rewritten, to be all the daughter's fault.

LovePoppy · 19/08/2019 11:28

@Juells absolutely this
It’s been over a week and DP hasn’t even attempted an apology.OP is now just thinking that SS should have words said to him

DD will always be painted as the irrational irresponsible one

DishingOutDone · 19/08/2019 11:36

Don't think the OP is coming back, I hope she does have some sort of epiphany and changes the dynamic in the family Sad

SavingSpaces2019 · 19/08/2019 12:16

Neither of them are asked to do anything round the house on a day to day basis except keep their own rooms tidy and tidy up after themselves
Well that was a disaster waiting to happen - don't know why you're so surprised and shocked to see the consequences of infantilising the pair of them!
There are 3 adults in the house and 1 on the threshold of legally becoming one - you ALL should be sharing the household chores between you.

Also, i'm not surprised your DD reacted as strongly as she did to the verbal assault on her.
She sees the men in the house 'live' there, yet they're excused from household duties via 'lodger status' and 'working away from home a lot'.......it all falls to the women - mainly you.

I think your dd has her eyes open as to who's actually taking the piss here......

whothedaddy · 19/08/2019 16:03

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Vgbeat · 19/08/2019 18:29

@whothedaddy

At 17 you are not a child, you are more than capable of cleaning up after yourself and looking after a couple of cats. I had my own flat at 17 and bought my first house at 19. Unless your kids have babied all their life then I think they could manage for a few days especially if they are going to uni the following year where there isn't anyone else to pick up after you.

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