WWYD - Daughter left home

[ABoxersMum]

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

I have no idea why you're getting so much flak here, OP. Your daughter is nearly an adult and I cant blame you for being bitterly disappointed in her for neglecting your pets. It sounds like she spoke disgracefully to your partner and I think it's right and proper that you take your DP's side when DD is being unreasonable, rather than always siding with DD as she's your daughter.

She has behaved very badly. At the age of 17, she's old enough to live with the consequences of her actions. And, if she persistently treats your DP badly, then I don't think you're being unreasonable in choosing him over her. At 17 she's old enough to face the consequences of how she chooses to behave.

What did your Step-son say when you and your dp spoke to him about the mess?

This is what it all comes down to now.

It absolutely sounds like you are holding your dd to a different standard to this man. What if she just wanted to be in her room all the time too? Where would you be with your stipulations then?

I'm sorry their behaviour is not OK but she did not leave - you gave her an ultimatum. My dad did something similar to me when I was 17 - I was arguing with my mum alot and he said it would be better if I did not live with them so I felt obliged to look for accomodation elsewhere. My mum immediately told my dad he needed to take it back or she would divorce him - but it was too late - my teenage pride did not let me feel like I could stay anymore. I think what you do next very much depends on what sort of relationship you want with your daughter. If I was you, I would be sending her a text saying that what happened while you were on holiday was not OK and you are disappointed with both her and her stepbrother especially with the cats not being given food - but in your tiredness and anger you took things too far, that you should have not told her that if she walks out she can't come back. And you are sorry for this and that your door is always open and you hope to see her when she is ready.

To those saying we treat teenagers like snowflakes, I actually think it can be difficult for young girls to go through their teenage years with men who are not their fathers. I look at my own DD’s and there is a lot of physical change, emotions and hormones are up and down. It’s never the easiest time but I don’t think the answer into making resistant stable adults is to push them further away. The DD now has the power over her DM as she’s left home. So OP is facing the ‘consequences’ of this dynamic, not her DD anymore

Sounds like you regret what you said, have you apologised?

She came home to greet you didn’t she?
Where was DSS?

Thank you to everyone for all your comments. Sat here in tears at how badly I have reacted to the whole situation. DSS has got off totally scot free but I will be having words with DP later. DD did get most of the flak as she was first through the door but please be aware it was her mess downstairs and I know this for a fact. The cats do roam the house but have a separate room with 2 large litter trays so all poo was contained in that room not all over the house as I may have implied. DSS should certainly have stepped up and helped when he realised things were out of control. I have sent another message asking her if we can meet, letting her know that she always has a home here and most importantly that I love her. I realise I need to sit down with her and talk. Once again thank you to all those that think iamnbu and to all those that think iambu- all points have been taken onboard even if I haven’t mentioned them all

OP, you still haven't told us what you and DP said to DSS and his girlfriend about the pets and about the mess, about not having taken care of the entire house. You seem to be dodging that issue. Is that because you didn't actually say anything, you didn't lay any of the blame at their door?

Just because DSS and girlfriend hide upstairs in his room when you are there, doesn't mean they hid while you were away. If you were on speaking terms with your DD, you might find that DSS took advantage of having a bigger space to spread through. How much rent does DSS pay, by the way? Or do they have a 'free' lodge. How would you feel if your DD returned and just hid in her room like a lodger, never engaging with the family, as you allow DSS to do?

If I was you, I would be sending her a text saying that what happened while you were on holiday was not OK and you are disappointed with both her and her stepbrother especially with the cats not being given food - but in your tiredness and anger you took things too far, that you should have not told her that if she walks out she can't come back. And you are sorry for this and that your door is always open and you hope to see her when she is ready.

When I was 17 I wouldn't have read past the first part of that message, I'd have deleted it in a temper as "more of the same, blaming me". But in all honesty my parents wouldn't have left me alone in a house, at that age, with a 24-year-old male, especially one who wasn't a blood relation.

I don't understand why you tolerate a 24-year-old in your house living in his room with a girlfriend. My toes have curled when I've seen the expression 'dick-pandering', but that's what all this boils down to.

Cross-post. It appears you have said nothing to DSS. Even now.

Your dd should be coming first all the time. It’s definitely not okay for your dp to lose his temper with her in the street.
You have a dp problem

should certainly have stepped up and helped when he realised things were out of control.

What's with the 'helped', though? Why shouldn't he have stepped up and done it? You're still thinking it was all her responsibility, and that he'd be helping her.

it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her

This is what stood to out at me. Yikes. So if he hit her (I know he didn't) it would have been her fault?????

Again. YIKES.

I think this indicates you need to have a bit of think about how you approach the relationship between your daughter and your partner.

There are bigger issues at play here.

Maybe they had a fight. Maybe he had his friends over all the time. Maybe she told him she was staying with friends as he wasn’t helping?

Then she could have told her mum that instead of storming out! She didn’t; she just said she tidied up yesterday.

I have an indoor cat and a dog
My DD’s are left alone with them during the summer hols while I am at work. They rarely walk the dog (but I do) and they have a very different idea to me what is messy for the litter tray or the pet bowls too. I get annoyed about it, because they will look at the litter and say ‘oh that’s fine’ or ‘well that wasn’t there earlier’ and seem to not actually SEE what I see

Also I set mine a list of things to do yesterday and typically they did them but left everything else what was not on the list . One cleaned the bathroom but then didn’t put the cleaning stuff away

I am not making excuses but my idea of clean and tidy seems to be at odds with their version (after all, they like sleeping with their dinner plates) so I have to be very descriptive; change litter tray every day, wash that up or they just don’t seem to ‘see’ it

DSS should certainly have stepped up and helped when he realised things were out of control.

He should have stepped up FROM THE BEGINNING. He and his girlfriend are the adults in the house, and you STILL don't see that he had at least the same responsibility for the pets as your DD. In fact more.

Why do you still think care of the pets was down to your daughter and not him, and he should only have stepped in when things went wrong?

I think some perspective is needed on the cats not being looked after. I am a huge cat lover, and have never known a cat who wouldn't make it known they were hungry, so the cats were most likely fed the day before. Equally I have known many cats who would shit on the floor! Sometimes because the tray has another poo in it, sometimes it seemed just for the hell of it, but this could have happened within 24 hours of the trays being cleaned out, especially if you have cats sharing a tray, the trays just had clumps removed rather then a complete change, as cats are no more keen to relieve themselves next to someone elses faeces than we humans are. I'm not excusing the DSS or DD completely, but I dont think the cats were necessarily neglected for the whole holiday.

You have my sympathy OP, you’re taking a slaying here - AIBU strikes again...eyewatering bluntness served with sides of hysteria and fantasy.

I had a lad (17) in here last week got ‘kicked out’ by his mum and dad after getting the sack from KFC. After a momentous row about losing his job they told him not to come come back until he got another one. My lad (also 17) offered him a bed for the night. I smiled knowingly and assured him it would blow over...and right enough he was home the next day.
I have been a bawhair from threatening my own lad with being kicked out because he’s hard work, the teen years have been challenging and there have been a few overblown, upsetting rows over them.

Anyway - let her know you love her and wait it out. Chances are, she’ll be back soon enough. I can imagine how upsetting this is for you as she’s only 17 but sooner or later you can get to talking and both make your apologies.

There is nothing wrong with assessing your dynamics but don’t go away believing you’re the worst mother in existence because AIBU says so. Some shred you to elevate themselves. It’s them, not you.

I have found the teen years really stressful. Good luck with the dust settling. Xx

How do you know the mess was clearly made by your dd? When I read your OP my immediate thought was that regardless of where DSS and his gf spend their time when you are at home, how do you know they continued with that pattern whilst you were away. I suspect that once they had the run of the house, they are likely to have taken the opportunity to have come out of DSS 's room and make use of the li ing room etc more than usual. And, even if they remained in his room as normal, surely the dirty cat tray would have been obvious whenever they emerged to use the kitchen etc?

Another thought - if DSS and gf decided to play happy families and use the rest of the house more, is it possible that dd felt uncomfortable and decided to stop with friends a few nights, hoping to return before you for home so you wouldn't find out? Or, is it possible she might have been 'encouraged' to stay away by DSS and his gf?
Whatever, the damage has been done now and I think you have a lot of work to do if the relationships are ever going to get back on an even keel.
And yes, what did DSS have to say when you and Dh tackled him about it?

There are serious issues of pandering to DSS going on here, I bet its been going on for years and been infuriating to live with for your DD. You seem to think the worst of your DD - all her responsibility and goading your poor ranting DP into hitting her. That suggestion speaks volumes as to how you view her. If he had hit her, would it have been his fault, or would you haves blamed her?

You have some serious work to do to fix this and it starts with sorting your priorities, and listening to her.

Sorry to all - don’t mean to drip feed. I didn’t say in the OP. When we sat them down before we went away DSS said he would look after dog and tidy up after himself and DD said she would look after cats and tidy up after herself.

What @Fontofnoknowledge.
And

Did the OP actually just let him off with a pass though? I thought she was saying the mess that was everywhere was clearly her DD's. The animal care aside, it sounds like the resulting tip was her DD's stuff and not the DSS who keeps his crap in his room?

I looked after the cat at 9 years old.
At 17 I was running my own house.
It was always clean and tidy
Working full time
Cooking for me and my partner
And doing laundry

All 4 of my adult children were capable of the basic at 17.

That aside op dry your tears.
Do some thing good for yourself.

This too will pass.
My daughter went to uni at 19
Got her degree and never came back.

Girls grow up and move out.

You just have to let them go and that they know they always have a room if they need it.

From our 4 the eldest dss cane back at 30 and stayed a few years till he got back on his feet

Good luck x

And they both agreed to communicate with each other if one was staying out.

OP you clearly said in your post that although you were upset and annoyed, you just cleared it up and one of those things. You then spoke to her when she came home but also said It was your DP who was very fuming over it, and it escalated when she came home with him chasing her outside when she tried to leave

I actually think you had the intention to deal with it in a pretty normal way, and she was being defensive but at what point did your DP escalate it? I think you need to be honest. He was more angry than you wasn’t he? And you took it out on her?

DSS is the prized favourite child. Even tho he's 24 and you have your own child.

No wonder the cats were neglected. DD has learnt from you when it comes to caring for dependents.

She might be better off not coming home.