WWYD - Daughter left home

[ABoxersMum]

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

I'm puzzled why you'd go off on holiday for two weeks to USA during school holidays without her. Was she invited?

But she wasn't expected to just feed three animals, she was also expected to feed herself, keep the place clean and generally run a house.

I did this as a 16 year old. As has my son recently. We even paid our own bills, when the time came arranged for mot's and all sorts of daily drudgery. It's called every day life.

I can see now how unfair this would seem to my DD. It is more than seems unfair it is unfair to expect a 17 yr old to take on the responsibility when there was also an adult at home.

What was your DD doing to almost goad DP to hitting her? Surely as an adult man he is in control of his behaviour and would consider it act in a way which suggests he might hit a 17 year old girl?

OP in the kindest possible way, you are now downplaying your DPs decision to follow your daughter out and shout at her in the street. You suggest she was trying to goad him into hitting her. You must see what a horrible statement that is. He is the adult and should always refrain from violence.
Of course they should have looked after the cats better. But this does not warrant the reaction you gave. And it certainly isn’t okay to ignore your DSS. Do you think you could ask your friend to broker the situation? Keep writing messages, keep apologizing. Does your DP feel he should apologize? That should be quite telling.

sashh
Read what you’ve written
Is it a chore for her at 17 to feed herself or tidy up after herself how was she running the house.
Let’s not over think this she’s 17.
If I came back from work and my children left the house a mess with animal poo around and signs of neglecting the pets .I would be livid really pissed.
Why do we encourage a lack of responsibility.
What’s gone wrong is the reaction to this event where some very unpleasant things have been said OP knows she’s wrong and hopefully will put it right.
Thank God her partner is taking some responsibility so they will I pray work on themselves for the good of the daughter.
Let’s not kid ourselves there is no excuse for the state the house was left.
I haven’t spoken much about the 24 year old lazy assed poor leadership brother because it’s the daughter whose hurting at the moment .
This is a case of two wrongs don’t make it right and this is a massive wrong on the parents side which has been acknowledged

He needs to apologise to her directly. His behaviour has done more damage to her and she deserves an apology.

It’s still not sounding great.
“She will have utilised the living space more”. It’s her home!

Cat poo aside, exactly what other mess was there?

You mention she had the cats but did they look after the dog ok?

I think you were both out of order. You over reacted and pushed your daughter too far but suspect this was the final straw for her.

Has she had a holiday this year with you,? I am surprised you chose to go away as this was probadly your last chance to have a holiday with her before she is an adult. The fact she chose a job over holiday is commendable or because the thought of spending time with you & dp means work is a more attractive option.

Can you not see how you would feel as a 17 year old, your mum goes away with partner (so you feel excluded) and they come home and rant at you?

She is not solely responsible for your house or pets,unless you paid her to do so. It usually costs lots of money to get someone to care for animals.. you had a good deal from her and chose to be ungrateful.

I feel angry on her behalf as I suspect she has been bullied by you and your partner whilst Dss appears to be the golden boy. I hope this is a wake up for you as you only have 1 child and it seems as if the relationship isn't there.

Your dd isn’t expected to do an jobs around the house. I didn’t have much of a clue how to look after myself at that age because I hadn’t been taught. You’re bringing up a future adult, not a child so getting your dcs to do things around the house are life skills. Had you invested a bit more time in this, you may have come back to a tidier house with fed pets. So perhaps look at yourself as well. As well as why the fuck you aren’t blaming the adult!

With regard to telling her not to come back. Your dd needs a heartfelt apology. Something sent by text for starters. “Dear dd. I am so sorry for telling you not to come home. I absolutely did not mean my angry words. I was upset. I was unfairly angry only with you for not ensuring the house was tidy and the pets well looked after. Dss is an adult and should have known better. I love you so much. You will always have a home here. I love you very much and always. Mum.”

If your dd was truly goading your dp to hit her, it’s possibly because she was so upset that she wanted to feel physical pain rather than emotional pain. I know this because I used to feel this in the past and still do sometimes. Think of the ramifications for this. If this is truly the case, she is at risk of getting into a relationship with domestic violence or of self harming.

So what if DSS lives in his room mostly. Did he forget the cats existed? Clearly you expected DD to be responsible because she's a girl. This is your stuff up not hers.

It's really disturbing that your first thought was she was goading your dh to hit her. He was the one being aggressive and shouting at her in the street after she had been told to leave and not come back. Horrible.

Do you know where she is staying? Can you send a card? Its obvious you understand you have been in the wrong, aside from the animals not being fed - which should have been a joint responsibility- I hope you can sort it out.

Be honest though, at least to yourself. Will your dh be glad she's gone?

So your 17yo DD (who never normally does anything around the house) is left home alone for almost two weeks with her 24yo step-brother and his girlfriend, and when you get back, she's the only one who gets yelled at in the street, and kicked out of the house?

Jesus. No wonder she thinks you pick your partner over her. You allowed your grown DSS to take no responsibility for the state of the house or the pets, allowed your partner to scream at her in the street, and to top it all off you tell her not to bother coming back while there are absolutely no consequences for anyone else!

Your attitude towards your teenage daughter is absolutely horrific. Why is everything her fault? Surely as the grown adult, it's your DSS's responsibility to make sure it's done? Why is it only her responsibility?

You're going to lose your daughter (if you haven't already done so) if you don't sort out your blatant favouritism towards your partner and his step-son, neither of whom come out of this looking good.

One thing you can do now is make sure she has money, clothes and anything else she needs. Offer her practical support, transfer money to her as she maybe struggling if only has a part time job. I assume she is going into her last year of A levels so awful for her to be homeless as a new term approaches.

Your DP sounds horrendous

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg. The DD probably feels pushed out and second best to the SS and DP. Both of them should have made sure the cats were ok. Ultimately as the adult, the 24 year old should have been making sure his step sister was ok and taking more responsibility. The whole set up of him mooching in his room with no worries with all your expectations on your DD feel unfair. Why has the SS said he didn’t bothered to sort the cats? Did you even ask him or did you all just shout at your daughter.

You have to try and get her home. If she does get accommodation from the council ;and that’s a big if) you might be looking at a hostel type arrangement which is not what I’d want for my daughter. Nor would I want her sofa surfing The only way you’re going to do that is to build trust and have some open conversations about why she feels pushed out.

^@sashh give over! It’s really not a lot for a 17 year old to feed 3 animals!

But she wasn't expected to just feed three animals, she was also expected to feed herself, keep the place clean and generally run a house.^

No, still just basically feeding and tidying up after herself so not too much to ask of a 17 year old, That isn’t really running a house with the wider responsibilities that entails.

I do, however, think it is unfair she has taken all the blame while the DSS seems to have been allowed to check out of any responsibility, He lives in a house with pets which he has also neglected, The fact he spends a lot of time in his room does not absolve him from that.

Did the dog get walked during the time you were away, @ABoxersMum? If so, by whom?

It’s clear that the responsibility of caring for 2 cats and a dog (that presumably needs walking) could never fall to a bloke who never leaves his room. So in that sense I can see why you expected your teenage daughter to just see to these things.

It’s just that you’re wrong. It was both their responsibilities and Rapunzel has got off scot free because it appears he doesn’t do things like family life or chores or even bothering to reply to texts from his parents.

It must have been a long 10 days for that dog.

It sounds as if the entirety of looking after the cats/housework was expected to be done by your daughter. I don’t think you’ve answered what repercussions befell your stepson for the state of the house and failure to care for the cats?

So DSS gets a pat on the head and DD gets bawled out in the street? I doubt this is the first time DD has been unfairly treated.

I would be leaving and staying gone.

puzzled why you'd go off on holiday for two weeks to USA during school holidays without her. Was she invited?

The OP has already says she was invited but didnt want to come.

Your dp needs to apologise to her and you both need to have words with your dss and his girlfriend about why two 24 year olds left so many animals unfed! They’re cruel for that and as adults they should have bloody well looked after the house a bit better

Who normally deals with the cat shit and dog walking?

I can imagine them each leaving it for the other. And maybe assuming the other was doing it.
Ime DCs never look after their pets it all falls to the DM, unless DD took on the pets herself recently she isn't going to want to clean the cats litter tray.
Unless the DCs normally help with them you should have left a detailed list of 'empty litter tray' , walk dog to X and back, etc

Maybe DSS stays holed up in his room because he doesn’t much feel like part of the family either.

He’s basically just a lodger who the OP hasn’t had that much involvement with after all.

The romantic relationship seems to come first, then the pets, then the house, then the SS, then the DD. I’d be staying gone too.

The OP has already says she was invited but didnt want to come.

Probably because she'd be stuck abroad with her mums delightful partner!

I don't think him phoning to apologise to her directly is a bad idea to be honest.

Saying 'DP says he's sorry' isn't as convincing as an apology straight from the horses mouth.
It was probably him humiliating her in the street that tipped her over the edge.

Call. If she doesn't answer, leave a VM.
Tell her you know you both overreacted and you're sorry, that you were just tired (although you know that's not an excuse) and that you know it wasn't fully her fault.
Tell her you miss her and ask her to come home.

@Butchyrestingface the dog was fine. He’s an old boy who can’t be taken for walks and is more then happy being left to sleep all day and being let out occasionally. He would let the world know if he wasn’t fed.

Was DD invited on holiday with you? Or did you just go off without her, expecting her (but not her step brother) to look after the house, then throw her out of her home when she didn’t do a good enough job?