WWYD - Daughter left home

[ABoxersMum]

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

once you told her those things.and then seemingly let your dp speak and argue with her like that in that moment it would deff fulfil her you taking dps side in the most ultimate way.
she will as a child(i mean in the sense shes you child not her age) she will deff not b the one to back down.and as a parent it is something we need to do countless times.take the adult high ground and let our kids fume then do the apoligie first.they need to feel protected and cared for and maybe she hasnt been felling that for a while.
could the volitile behavior be a brewing of how she exploded and said your putting dp first.was this an honest blow out of feelings.
if so you need to deal with that.
if its not true whihc it might not be its still a common feeling for step kids and new dps.you need to go gently with that.its never really rational when it comes to step new dp feelings but that still doesnt mean its not very real for her.
keep reaching out.dont keep focusing on the shit heap.go to how to rebuild what gone wrong now.
again a a child your contantly when vulnerable needing for someone to make you feel safe.and if you parent then one day lets you not feel that it is often up to us to build it back up.if you stop trying to contact her she will then feel all her horrible feeling were correct. so the odd text.call."still here." " ust letting you no im thinking of you" " cooking so and so tonight,would love you here." "just come through the door anytime,no judging just holding"

Its not even one adult in the house its two as GF was there too. At 17 she is still the child there and no way should she carry 100% of the blame - DSS should have been doing more. They are not used to routine of doing stuff and that is down to OP not getting them to do more on a regular basis. All residents should contribute whether paying keep or not

So, at 17 your daughter was having unprotected sex.

Juells. Unclutch your pearls before you fucking strangle yourself.

I think it’s a valid point it’s not exactly a great example of how responsible a 17yo is though is it

So you left two spoiled brats with no responsibilities home alone for ten days, and are then shocked your house isn’t up to standard

Then you blame your younger daughter instead of adult step son and girlfriend.

In what world is any of this ok?!

you set your child up to fail. Then blamed her for it, and accused her of lying.

you chose your partner and stepson over her, and yet it’s somehow still her fault.

You’ll be lucky she ever forgives you.

Juells. Unclutch your pearls before you fucking strangle yourself.

Yup, it's real pearl-clutching to think getting pregnant at 17 limits a girl's choices in life.

OP, I asked if he had ever hit her before?

Of course you dont have to answer but if he has and you have excused him because she "made him do it/goaded him", then this really is the tip of your iceberg.

Until dd comes back and explains why the place was a tip no body knows 'who ' to blame.
Yes words were said in anger but dd ran off without any explanation.

Why not give it a week or so?,That will give her some time to sort her head out and maybe realise that she was in the wrong too.If she had cleaned out the litter trays as asked and fed cats properly this wouldnt have happened at all!.You probably didnt mean to shout but were tired and overwrought.Do they get on well usually (your DD and DP)?.If there is tension then this may have been the last straw ,If OK normally should blow over ,Think about what she said about putting DP first and if there is any truth to it .It is easy in a second marriage to try and make it work at all costs .Sometimes the feeling of always putting Child first gets overtaken by wanting to put DP wishes ahead of them ,often subconciously .You and your DP have chosen each other to be with ,DD hasnt (and its a tricky path to follow with a lot of give and take).I too had a stepdad ,and remember arguments and feeling second best sometimes .I had my dear GC nearby and spent a lot of time with them .However we managed to get on well once I was married ,and he was a great GF to my children (my own dad died when I was a child).Maybe you could speak to your friend as an intermediary if you can .I think DD will want to see you again ,but you may have to make some changes as well I think

DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.

Has he hit her before then?

It really does sound like your poor DD is the family scapegoat. She will probably be better off out of it

So there is dss and his gf living there, OP and partner and dd.
She maybe feels as though she comes further down the peckin order than the animals.
I don't blame her for leaving, no way should a man who isn't her father be shouting at her i the street. Embarrassing more than anything and showing the neighbours what a dysfunctional family looks like.
Maybe she'll come back when all the toxic people have left her home.

My DP has never and would never hit DD or myself. He acknowledges that he made things worse by shouting at her in the street. I will read properly through the other posts soon and respond - this one just immediately stood out. Again thank you for all your comments - well, most of them - and I am taking your responses on board

@ABoxersMum

You are doing the right thing reflecting. I didn’t think it sounded like he would hit her, but is he less tolerant about her than you? He gets more wound up with her more easily? This can really lead to a lot of resentment and pressure on you to pacify them both and keep the peace

I think the phrase "trying to goad him into hitting her" raised alarm bells because you couldn't, say, use that in any context whatsoever about my DH because he doesn't do intimidation in any way shape or form so it would make no sense to think that about him. If someone said to my DH "make me" like your DD did to your DP I'd immediately assume they were referring to "I don't care if you ground me/stop talking to me/turn off the wifi," not violence. I'm guessing other posters have DPs/DHs who are the same as mine where using that phrase in reference to them would be equally alien, hence the concern about that part of your post.

Yup, it's real pearl-clutching to think getting pregnant at 17 limits a girl's choices in life.

Juells. No, of course it isn’t a situation a parent would choose and of course it limits the girl’s choices. But what precisely was the point of your comment? It’s a done deal, the baby is here. You were just having a dig.

I told him to come back in and he did

I think this is telling for the daughter too.

*Robin2323

Until dd comes back and explains why the place was a tip no body knows 'who ' to blame.
Yes words were said in anger but dd ran off without any explanation.*

She “ran off” Because her mother told her not to come back. Sounds like she had plans, was going to continue them and her mother kicked her out.

That’s a strop for sure. On the Mother’s end

Well exactly
Didn't want to spoil her plans by tiding up after herself .
Far too boring.

I been a teen age
I have had teenagers.

This is one of those threads where I think I must be on a different planet to everyone else. The three people who were left at home all neglected animals. For 10 days. I don't care about untidiness but causing suffering to animals is vile, cruel and simply unforgiveable. It clearly isn't just your daughter's fault and it is essential that you ensure your DSS and his GF receive your full fury on this too, but honestly if my son said he would look after my cats while I was away and I came back to find them unfed and with poo all over, he would be looking for a new home too. Though it's inconceivable that would happen, he has been caring for them lovingly and proactively since before he was in double figures. That is how you bring up children with animals - what kind of lazy, cruel wasters have you and your husband brought up??

AlexaAmbidextra
No, of course it isn’t a situation a parent would choose and of course it limits the girl’s choices. But what precisely was the point of your comment? It’s a done deal, the baby is here. You were just having a dig.

I really wasn't. I was reacting to My daughter had a baby at 18 and moved out when he was 5 months old. She manages to raise a baby, clean, pay bills, cook and do laundry.

That has absolutely nothing to do with the OP's 17-year-old daughter, it's a completely different situation, the OP's daughter isn't somehow 'wrong' because her upbringing has been different.

MadMum - afaics all animals were fed, just the litter tray not cleaned out.

The cats couldn't have been completely unfed, because they produced a lot of poo.

Also, I wonder if some posters have ever met cats My house would have been shredded, along with the arms and legs of everyone in the house, if food didn't appear the second it was required.

I have no problem leaving my 19 year old home alone for a week. I would expect the house to be "messy" when I arrive home (she makes the most mess when I'm home and needs constant reminding to pick her droppings up and transfer them to her bedroom 🙄).

I wouldn't trust her to look after my dogs. She might fill their bowls with food - when she remembers. I'd rather pay for my dogs to go to a home sitter who know what they are doing, rather than leave them with a scatty, self absorbed, unreliable teenager.

I would expect a 24 year old to be more reliable.

I think there's rather a lot of hysteria on this thread! It's such a common scenario: teenager gets left at home, house ends up in a state, teenager gets a bollocking.

I agree it's worth thinking about family dynamics and OP says she will do that. Might be good to give DSS and GF a bit of a telling off for not looking after cats, and tell DD you've done this

However I think it's a bit of (understandable) fault on each side, not a case of OP and her DP being terrible parents.

I would tell DD that you and DP are sorry for shouting but you were jet lagged and cross that cats hadn't been looked after, and that DSS and GF have been told off for this too. Then tell her you love her and hope she'll be home soon. Good luck