WWYD - Daughter left home

[ABoxersMum]

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

You should have sat them both down and had a chat. A 24 year old man should have taken some responsibility when he saw the teenager was struggling to maintain a tidy house.

When was this chat with both of them supposed to have taken place? DD was the first one home and was totally blasé about the mess that had been left. Instead of apologising or even asking why she was getting all the blame, she just stormed off out. No wonder OP was angry even though she shouldn’t have said what she did.

By the time DSS was home, I expect they were too caught up in the drama surrounding DD to consider his part in the mess and cat neglect.

Why did you allow your DP to speak to your teenage daughter that way?

Why did she take the blame of everything when there was another fully grown working adult at home?

You have fucked this one that's for sure.

Oh but you sent her a text asking her for coffee.

My mum would have been out looking for me begging me to come home.

But she would never have treated me this way to start with.

The reason people may be bringing your partner into it is because you haven't answered what he has said to his son. Living in his own room like a lodger is fine when you are there, but not if DP asked him to assume responsibility when you were away.
Was he balled out for not caring for the animals?

There are 5 people living in the house, and when OP went on holiday, the 17yo was left with the MOST responsibility over the other 2 adults. This is ridiculous

The other 2 adults just live in their room and clearly have no expectation on them to help DD or keep any other areas tidy. This is all on DD. She should have kept the pets sorted, but the 2 other adults seem to have been cleared of any responsibility towards them at all? Seems hugely unfair to her

Sorry if I missed this but what has your DSS said about the mess and why he didn't clear up and feed the cats if your DD hadn't? He may spend lots of time in his room but he goes to the kitchen, he can't have missed the cat shit surely?

I am sorry you are getting so much flack, OP, when you have admitted you got a lot wrong. There is nothing wrong in itself in having a new partner, even though that inevitably means your DD will not have your undivided attention. As someone who has survived a VERY rough teenage patch with DD1 (now 20 and we get on very well!), it doesn't sound like the end of the world.

Relationships get strained, it happens. Older teens do not necessarily want to go on holiday with their parent(s), even where there is no step-parent. At 16, DD1 was convinced that any caring, reasonable mother would provide her with her own studio flat (near enough to bring her laundry round, eat at home whenever she wanted etc etc!) - tbh she was so awful to live with I might well have done it if I could have afforded it. I am not saying I am perfect,but there was a whole lot of 'stuff' DD1 was going through which was not due to anything I ever did or said. At times I suggested she choose an adult we both trusted - a teacher, one of the church leaders, a favourite aunt, she could nominate who she wanted - and we sit down with them and get their perspective, but she always refused...

It was a horrible thing that you said, which you fully acknowledge and you understand your own triggers and where it came from. I would make a direct apology for that, explain where it came from in your own life, and acknowledge that wherever it came from, you were wrong to have said it and do not mean it. That you love and miss DD, respect that she probably needs some space, but that you would love her to come home, and are very willing to meet up whenever/ wherever to see her.

Acknowledge that DSS is also at fault, that his father will address that with him (as long as he is going to - if not, that is a problem).

When she is ready to talk, listen. Ask her suggestions for what could improve your relationship, and for the family/house rules. Don't interrupt, don't react. Make notes, summarise what you think she has said to make sure you have understood. Thank her for her suggestions, and ask for time to think about them.

Seriously think about what is possible, practically and emotionally. If she wants a weekly spa day with you, but you can't afford it, think about what you can manage. a weekly mother/daughter coffee date. A monthly mother/daughter day, you set a budget and she chooses what you do together.

What complaints have substance? Is she expected to do more than DSS? In what ways? Does he do less around the house but she gets more support or treats in other ways? Is that still the support/ treats she wants, or has she grown out of them?

What is it she isn't getting enough of, from you, at this stage in her life? Bearing in mind that what she needs and what she wants are not entirely the same, and you are also human and have needs and wants as well. It is reasonable to expect everyone in a family to have all their needs met, and some of their wants. The younger the child the more has to revolve around their needs, of course, and at periods (e.g. exam time) one person's needs may have to be more of a priority for a time.

Good luck. The best advice I ever got was that it was part of my job, as a parent, to model how to put right a mistake. Not that we should make deliberate mistakes! But, being human, we are going to make them, and the way we handle them is more important than trying (and failing) to be perfect.

Leaving the house a tip is one thing, she's 17 and apparently not used to cleaning. I can see it would be annoying to come home to, but that's a yell at her and move on, not move out kind of row.

Not feeding the cats is appalling. And both your DD and DSS are guilty there. Presumably they fed DDog bc he barked for it and the poor cats were just forgotten.

I wonder why the friends were waiting in their car outside. Did she perhaps realise she had messed up and was prepared for trouble??

But you need to reconcile. If you know where she's living, go over physically and see her. Or catch her at work after her shift finishes.

It was two adults as it’s DSS and his girlfriend

First off why was she downstairs presumably because even though she didn’t want to go on the holiday with you and your partner ring at home with 2 24 was uncomfortable for her so she did spend time away

The comment that you have been having issues about you prioritising your partner is telling that and hte fact that you missed her call and then did not call back is also a factor

What do you do? Let her go for now and then when she calms down be conciliatory discuss things with her including any issues she has with hte living arrangments

Where is her Dad?

Why wasn’t your first reaction ‘I’ve missed you! How’s your week been?’

Just for clarity myself and DP have been together since DD was 9 and living together since DD started secondary school so not a new relationship. DD and DP usually get along, yes they have arguments as do myself and DD. It has got more volatile as DD has got older as she has the words now to stick up for herself (not meant in a bad way). In an argument between her and DO I will equally stick up for her if I think she is right as I will stick up for him if he is right. She is a teenager and she is not always right and I will always explain my reasons to either of them. My DP works away from home a lot, so very often it is just myself and my DD with DSS passing through occasionally. I’ll admit this is probably not the greatest of family dynamics but it has worked for the last few years. I had no idea that my DD resented my DP and DSS so much but after reading through comments the blinkers are definitely falling away.

I never "expect" immaculate service when I've asked people to look after my pets. As long as they're alive I'm grateful as it's a massive ask and it saves me lots of money. It sounds like you didn't even ask her, but saw it as a "stipulation" - almost like you were doing her a favour getting her to look after your pets.

I think 2 hours tidying is nothing, it can't really have been a "shit tip". Also with 2 cats using a litter tray that could fill up while your dd did a single shift.

I agree your DS seems to get off scott free here. So the fact he works nights means he can't change a litter tray or feed the cats?

From your dd's point of view, you get home, immediately yell at her for something that ultimately your DSS was responsible for in this scenario, seem to have no joy whatsoever in actually seeing her again, and to top it all of your DP yells at her in the street and says some "stupid things" (what exactly did he say?) I don't think I'd want to come back either if I were her.

Your language suggesting she was "trying to goad him into hitting her" and also saying "he didn't grab her or anything" as if this is a positive is worrying. It shouldn't even be crossing your mind that the potential for him hurting her was there. What's his attitude towards her generally? Was this a complete one off that he reacted aggressively?

Sounds like you have a lot to think about in terms of your family dynamics. Maybe send a text saying you miss her, offer to meet in a neutral place and promise her you'll really listen to what she has to say. If she takes you up on it do that, and promise yourself you won't try to justify any of your behaviour or accuse her, but will use this time simply to listen to and take on board her views.

@GreenTulips Erm because after a long tiring journey they walked into a shit tip, the cats hadn't been fed and cat shit all over the floor and the 17 year old being breezy and blasé.

Still not answering what DP said to DSS about his part in not caring for the animals...

I've missed you and how has your week been wouldn't of been my first reaction

They didn’t feed the cats or change the litter. Neither of them behaved well. DSS should get fallout of that. I don’t care if he’s “like a lodger” he said he’d be responsible for the pets and did nothing.

DD also neglected the cats. The rest of the “shit tip” is probably a typical mumsnet exaggeration. But she agreed to feed the cats and neglected them. That’s terrible.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that these two young people both neglected the animals they promised to care for.

*wouldn't have.

I also think you are getting a ridiculous amount of grief here op, but such is the way of aibu! If I'd come home in your circumstances to find hungry animals and a filthy litter tray and cat shit on the floor I would have been screaming like a banshee at whichever person who had neglected them I'd seen first. In this case it was your daughter. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being angry on behalf of your pets.

I think you’re actually getting some very harsh comments on here, and I say that as someone who is closer in age to your daughter than to you, and who has also had a step father who I didn’t get on brilliantly with. The house not being adequately tidy is one thing, but if they had agreed to look after the cats and you got home to find their little trays full and cat poo all over the floor I’m not surprised you were angry. Cats are very clean animals, that would have been horrible for them. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you also would have been angry if it was your step son who had walked through the door first. I also think it’s natural to be more disappointed when it’s your own child who has let you down.

You know you overreacted and what you said wasn’t pleasant, but we all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Your daughter storming off when you were trying to talk to her about the state of the house wasn’t a mature reaction either. She is almost an adult now, some of the posters on here are (to me) acting like this happened with a child of 12 or 13. Try and keep building bridges with her (and apologise for what you said, obviously) but the four of you were all in the wrong, this isn’t just on you.

You also did other things such as allow your ADULT stepson to get away without blame whilst kicking your CHILD out of her home

Not that the ‘child’ would have known that the stepson was not going to get the same row as her as she had already stormed out.

I’m sorry, but you had little communication with either children and you have no idea what went on in that house for 10!days.

Maybe they had a fight. Maybe he had his friends over all the time. Maybe she told him she was staying with friends as he wasn’t helping?

You have no idea - yet your priority is a bit of mess?

This is why kids leave home.

I agree that the 24 year old adult should have been left in charge of the house with the expectation that 17 year old helps out too. 24 year old should have also understood to flag any potential problems with the parents while away. I think it would have also been helpful to adjust your expectations what you might find when coming back from holiday and understood that you were taking a risk.. I think it's not uncommon for things to be left in a state with young adults/teenagers in charge.

Now that the mess has been created I would follow Allington's advice. But it's such a shame this has escalated to that extend and there's no expectation of any responsibility generally of the 24 year old who still lives at home.

Have you actually said anything to your DSS about his part in all this?

I have a dd the same age and there is no way on earth I’d leave her for 2 weeks to look after a house and pets. A couple of days, sure maybe. But 2 weeks during summer holidays is a recipe for disaster.

I think you should both be MUCH more angry with your dss.

Ha ! Aboxersmum you have made a classic mistake on MN of believing you are ;

1. Allowed an adult relationship before all children have left home, married, got kids of their own AND given you permission.

1. Not supported your DD in every single teenage tantrum . Especially if this involves taking your DPs side .. even when he is clearly in the right.

These are ALL essential rules in MN mummymartyrdom. !

I do agree that 'don't bother coming back was wrong and you need to apologise.

If DSS is like a lodger then you basically left a 17 year old to look after three pets and housekeep. That's a lot for a teenager to do.

^ this is a massively pathetic view of a 17yr olds capabilities. Another one to add to the list for the 'snowflake' generation.
Although I would like to know why the step son AND the girlfriend could not manage to feed and change cat litter i - and why they aren't held equally responsible.

Say sorry for the remark.
Address dss responsibilities with DP
Leave door open and discuss a fairer accountability between all household members if/when she returns.

I understand this is not a new partner but this could be that resentment has now been simmering for 8 years about the difference in treatment from DS, DP’s expectations of her and the way he talks to her. If he is aggressive in his approach (or not particularly kind or tolerant, laying down harsh dad rules when he’s a step parent) then as she has grown as a young girl she has become more defensive and resentful towards him. That’s how it happened. If this has got worse as a teenager then it doesn’t sound like she likes him or respects him much. She’s 17 now but if this started when she was 13/14, she was still very much a child. I would listen to her as well. She won’t always be right but this could just be the final straw for her in your home if she’s been unhappy. He needs to apologise. She’s your child and any following outside should have been you

And if DP doesn’t give DS and his GF any responsibility for the pets or mess then this is very unfair. Perhaps no one was clear as to who was responsible for what.

Teenagers can be dramatic and irresponsible, and they aren’t always right but if their relationship is not very good and he comes home and lays the law down like this, she’s going to feel pushed out

I think it is an issue with the method of communication not what you were trying to say. I would also have been annoyed and upset about my pets