WWYD - Daughter left home

[ABoxersMum]

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

I would hit the roof if an animal was neglected but you had two adults (DSS and the GF) in the house and a 17 yo child and it was the child who got the grief? That sounds very unfair.

Text your DD saying ‘you’re sorry and you miss her. You understand why she is upset and you want her to come home as soon as she feels able but until then you will respect her decision and her space’. Then leave it up to her.

If this is a storm in a teacup she will come home soon enough. If this is a result of years of the DSS being treated more leniently than she is she might stay away for longer.

Out of interest what did your DH say to his son?

Am I the only one amazed that she turned down a trip to the USA? Surely most 17 year olds wouldn’t do that unless they felt seriously uncomfortable?
DD (24) lives away from home in her own flat but jumped at the chance of coming with us last year, with DH and I paying of course

Am I the only one amazed that she turned down a trip to the USA?

OP says she had just started a new job.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand some of the comments reference my partner. He has already admitted that what he did was wrong. He wasn’t involved in the original argument with my daughter that ended with me saying a very stupid thing. He went out the door after her asking her to come back in, it did escalate as she was just stood there with her mates in the car saying “go on, make me, dare you to try and make me come back”. He didn’t grab her or anything. I told him to come back in and he did. All 3 of us have said stupid things (only not including DSS in this as he wasn’t actually there). We were both tired and emotional, I know this shouldn’t matter but we were. With regards to the holiday, we did try to sort a family holiday but she didn’t want to - no because of DP but because she wanted to stay home with friends and crack on with driving lessons and work. Personally at 17 a holiday with my parents would have been a nightmare and I loved them both dearly.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time OP, some of these comments you'd think you'd left a 12 year old home for a month, not a 17 year old who should be more than capable of doing what was asked of her.

Yes the don't come back comment was shit but people say things they don't mean in a fit of rage, and I would've been raging too coming back from holiday to find the animals neglected.

You've let her know the door is open. She's 17, she'll find out soon enough that keeping the place tidy and looking after cats is preferable to running a household and all this actually entails. She has a room there and won't starve so don't be sending her money or Red Cross parcels or the like like a PP poster suggested

Taking personal responsibility doesn't appear to be a consideration for some recent threads on MN.

Oh and lodger or not, the SS should be getting the message that he was equally responsible for the animals and dealt with accordingly.

My DD is the same age and also lives with her step dad , my DH , has done since she was 10. He has never shouted at her let alone in the street that must have been very humiliating for her. At 17 she is more than capable of feeding cats as is DSS. He can't be absolved of responsibility's just because he chooses to stay in his room, no one is making him spend the majority of his time in there. There is blame on both sides they should have looked after the pets and not created a mess. It's not nice getting back and having to tidy up a mess that you aren't responsible for. But your DP really shouldn't have shouted at her , and you know you were wrong to say what you did so she probably felt very ganged up on. Digging your heels in and not apologising is not a good idea as the situation could become worse. Maybe a text saying you were tired and disappointed with both of them and would love to have her back then just wait. I also think your partner needs to apologise personally to her.

Good grief. You left a 24 year old and a 17 year old in charge of a house while you wre away and then lost it with the 17 year old when things were a mess and animals werent looked after but the 24 year old gets a pass as he ' just stays in his room with his girlfriend '

That is so so inappropriate that I .speechless. You obviously expect much more.from.your daughter than you DSS ( which was probably part of what she meant in her comments to you about putting your DP first over her)

I ammnot sure how you can be sure the mess.was hes but even if it was, why didn't your dsss feed the cats? Why isn't he getting a bollocking for not doing that at least ?

I have a teenage DS. When we argue the things that really wind him up are
A) that he perceives I treat Dd differently
B) he gets hung up one one particular argument or statement.

The best way forward in our house is for me to apologise for that one statement , give him a hug and then we can talk through the cause of the argument .

I agree with pp .. you need to have a firm discussion with DSs and then apologise to your Dd for suggesting she leaves. Good luck

The adult SS sounds like he’s absolved of all responsibility as he likes staying in his room? Very odd. Surely he should be thinking about living like an actual grown up, making his own money, living independently and not being treated like a 12 year old incapable of feeding a cat for a week. I’d be out of there too if I were your DD.

I’ve made the mistake of “expecting” my late teen children to look after the dogs while we were away for a few days, and with hindsight I don’t think it’s fair. My son sounds like the OP’s step-son, and inevitably all the work falls on my daughter. The house was a tip (in my mind) when we got home and I got irritated. In her mind, she’d tidied her mess (she hadn’t as she’s a total slob) and her brother hadn’t so why wasn’t I yelling at him. There’s no point yelling at him as he just smiles, says “sorry mum” and wanders off back to his room.

Luckily my daughter used her words (for once 😉) before it got to the OP’s level, and pointed out in no uncertain terms that they are my dogs, and in future I need to discuss it with them first rather than just assume that they have no other plans, which is fair enough. It’s nothing to do with mollycoddling, it’s respecting that they are adults with their own lives and plans.

Apart from the cat litter I'm trying to understand how one person who is at work all day, can make so much mess in 10 days.

Appalling you have let the 24 year old grown ass man off with no responsibility and taken your rage out on an 17 year old girl.

What a great example to set for your daughter. Good on her for standing up for herself.

You should have sat them both down and had a chat. A 24 year old man should have taken some responsibility when he saw the teenager was struggling to maintain a tidy house.

He also chose to not feed the cats and clean the liter tray! He is a grown man!

What sexist rubbish.

I think the best approach is to send a message saying she is welcome home at anytime and you want to know she is safe. Apologise for overreacting acknowledging you were tired and that it was both of them who were meant to be taking care of the house, let her know you can teach her how to take care of the house ready for when she gets her own place

Still disappointed with her

Didn't get past this in the OP. Your daughter was one of two people staying in the house - and it sounds like she might have been staying elsewhere, thinking your adult SS was there every day to look after the animals.

Your relationship with her is on a knife-edge, she's moved out, and you're still 'disappointed in her'. Sorry, but it's no wonder she's gone elsewhere.

You left a 24 year old and a 17 year old in charge of a house while you wre away and then lost it with the 17 year old when things were a mess and animals werent looked after but the 24 year old gets a pass as he ' just stays in his room with his girlfriend '

^^ this.

This sexist crap would really piss me off.

I actually understand why you list it with your dd.
But I don't understand about your dss.

Have you spoken to him and his gf yet?
Do you cater for them? Look after them? Do they pay rent?

17 = child
24 = adult
Hairy fit and blame = child
Weak explanation = adult
Your DD leaving has more behind it than one argument.

It’s impossible not to agree with the majority. You asked them both to step up and help with some fairly light ask and they collectively didn’t. Not looking after the cats properly is unacceptable.

It’s completely unfair that your daughter took the full force of your, by your own admission, over-tired and overwrought annoyance.

I’m fairly amazed actually that having given her both barrels, and having your DP remonstrate in the street in front of her friends, you were snoozing all the next day with jet lag.

You need to decide where DD fits in the line of importance in your relationships. At 17 she should still be front and centre ahead of DP, DSS and your tidy house. After 17 too for that matter.

You and your DP need to apologise and as the adults agree a way forward where your relationship isn’t the primary factor.

I agree with the majority of posters - YABU.
You left an adult and an adolescent in the house and bawled out the adolescent. Wrong.

You mention that DSS's girlfriend lives in his room. Where is she in all this? If she lives with you, why isn't she taking some responsibility too? I'm assuming she's older than your DD.
Your behaviour in this has been crap and this isn't going to be sorted in one phonecall. You cannot overestimate the rejection by you, her mother, your DD will have felt when you chose your DP and DSS over her (in her eyes) and told her to get out of her own home. To a teenager that is so damaging. It's going to take a lot of work and persistence.

Without making you feel worse, from my own experience this can be the price you pay for choosing to prioritise your partner over your daughter, even ‘some of the time’.

I have 2 teenage girls, one is 17 next month and I can envision the exact same thing happening with us if I moved a man in and he got a lot of clearly heated ‘say’ when this has been our house, and just us for quite some time. I can envision that she would spend less time here, behave like she didn’t care anymore and to prove a point to me - move out if I said those words to her and not back down

I think that you need to accept the childhood is over, whether this is partly her fault or your fault for whatever reason your relationship sounds fractured and an aggressive shouting partner against a teenage girl is just going to make it much worse

Whether you agree with her accusation or not. That’s how she feels about you. She feels let down. Just listen to her? It may help you heal. Instead of just keep going on about how you DONT put him first and how she is to blame for all the mess.... 17yo are not the most responsible people in the world and I have to nag and remind mine a lot. If I went away she would refuse to clean the toilet and blame her sister for all the mess!

All 3 of us have said stupid things (only not including DSS in this as he wasn’t actually there

I'm sorry to say this @ABoxersMum but you seem to have some sort of blinkers on and it is driving me nuts

YOU kicked a child out of her home

YOU did that

You also did other things such as allow your ADULT stepson to get away without blame whilst kicking your CHILD out of her home

YOU are to blame

What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop sidestepping this

SORT IT OUT

Did the OP actually just let him off with a pass though? I thought she was saying the mess that was everywhere was clearly her DD's. The animal care aside, it sounds like the resulting tip was her DD's stuff and not the DSS who keeps his crap in his room?

Dramatic mn’ers again.

A 17 year old is quite capable of cleaning up after herself and feeding pets.

There’s 17 year olds out there who have babies believe it or not and manage to keep themselves and baby alive

You said something in anger, she stormed off... she’ll soon miss you and want to come home. She’s just enjoying her own time now, feeling like an adult and probably enjoying you pleading with her.

Give it time.

Surely the actual problem here is that at 17 and 24 they should both be clearing up after themselves and assisting with the house ALL the time and not just when you aren’t available to do it for them?

The cat thing would have tipped me over the edge to be fair, at both of them, they’re both adults and to leave them dirty abd I fed is disgraceful.

@Rtmhwales but stepson, who is an adult, did not feed the cats

And he has not been kicked out of the home for this

Whereas daughter, who is a child, left a mess and did not feed the cats and has been made homeless

Ludicrous and cruel