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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 15/08/2019 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2019 12:56

Does she berate him for leaving his wife or just pick on you? Why has he never told her to back off you?

Readytogogogo · 15/08/2019 12:56

I'm on the fence. It's not pleasant but it is true. But then it's not really her business, is it...

I hope she is more scornful of your DH though? He is the one who cheated on his wife.

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/08/2019 12:56

I think you should accept you are the OW!

SIL is not going to change her mind about that. No one else feels strongly enough about it to stick up for you either.

zippey · 15/08/2019 12:57

Funny how the woman is always blamed yet the mans part is minimised.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 15/08/2019 12:58

I think people do struggle to get over behaviour like being the other women tbh. Cheats and liars don’t tend to do liked

The sil should be polite and not mention it but no I don’t think people should get over it, you got together in a horrible way people are never going to forget that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:59

We don’t have contact with his ex wife, as far as I know she lives abroad and doesn’t speak to his family.

SIL just says stuff about me, the other da MIL made a cake and SIL said “ooh watch out Matilda doesn’t steal it, you know she likes to take things that belong to her hee hee” Hmm

DH does call SIL out on it when he hears it but as I said she then gets stroppy and tells us to lighten up. DH has brought contact with her to a minimum but feels it’s not fair on MIL for us to miss big family parties so we feel obligated to go to them.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2019 12:59

My mum's best friend's husband had an affair and left her for her own best friend. That was about 2 decades ago, but everyone still refers to her as the OW. Because she was, and is. For example, If you murder someone, you'll always be a murderer, nothing changes what happened. You both did what you did - he was an unfaithful cheater, and you were the OW. That's never going to change.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 15/08/2019 13:01

Does she have a problem with her brother?He was married and had an affair so if she has a problem with you, I presume she must with him too.

She's being rude by carrying it on after all this time, but having an affair and being the other woman is a shitty thing to do/be.

If this was my brother and OW, I would have made my feelings known at the time and either moved forward or cut contact if I felt strongly enough. To just keep bringing it up is unacceptable.

peachgreen · 15/08/2019 13:01

Honestly I think it's ridiculous of SIL to still be talking about it 17 years on. DH should definitely have a word.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/08/2019 13:01

Yeah it's been 17 years she's being ridiculous.
Did they have kids? If so does she do this in front of them?
Your husband should be speaking to her about it. I assume she does these jokes at him too?

Mystarisup · 15/08/2019 13:02

It was 17 years ago.

I wouldn't want to be judged on the person I was 17 years ago for who I am today; it's unkind, rude and nasty of SIL to keep bringing it up.

It's really none of her business.

I wonder if she's still friends with his ex wife? Does she feel she needs to be snidey to you out of loyalty to her?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2019 13:03

DH does call SIL out on it when he hears it but as I said she then gets stroppy and tells us to lighten up.

Has he tried “it’s only a joke if everyone’s laughing DSIS and you’re not very funny. It’s been 17 years, time for you to get some new material and stop picking on my wife”?

Cloudyapples · 15/08/2019 13:03

You should tell her you didn’t steal anything, he chose to have an affair, he left willingly.

MidnightMystery · 15/08/2019 13:03

Seriously how is the OP the other woman ?

OP you are his Wife and I think the SIL is just being a bitch.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 13:03

Its all aimed at me, not DH. She doesn’t say anything about him.

OP posts:
TuckMyWin · 15/08/2019 13:03

If the comment about the cake is typical, she sounds like a bully. No, the facts are not going to change, you were the other woman, but I can hardly see how that will naturally come up in conversation much. Her bringing it up frequently, and in the ways that she does, is just unnecessary, and as I said, sounds like bullying behaviour to me. Treat it as it deserves- ignore it/ call her out on it.

OldAndWornOut · 15/08/2019 13:04

It's rude and unecessary, regardless of what anyone may think privately. (Although I would question why the hell someone would still be thinking about it after all this time)

The fact that you all tiptoe around her is precisely why she feels it ok to still be nasty about it.

Really it says more about her than you.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 13:04

DH and his ex wife don’t have children. DH and I have two DCs, surprisingly SIL is very kind and good with them.

OP posts:
Mystarisup · 15/08/2019 13:05

the other da MIL made a cake and SIL said “ooh watch out Matilda doesn’t steal it, you know she likes to take things that belong to her hee hee”

She's being a bitch.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/08/2019 13:06

I always think that once the second relationship is longer than the first, you deserve some respect regardless of how it came about.

Yaflamingalah · 15/08/2019 13:06

You are your DH are equally culpable. You can't ask people to erase history though. Your SIL should probably be polite enough not to mention it but she obviously isn't and nothing she is saying isn't true.

MindyStClaire · 15/08/2019 13:06

"Funny how you never mention DH breaking his marriage vows SIL. Sure, what I did was bad, but DH was far worse, don't you agree?"

But your DH may not like that approach. Grin

RobinMoseby · 15/08/2019 13:07

You were the other woman. Now you’re his wife. Yeah, what you did wasn’t great morally and we would all hope that no one would do that, but then you’re not the one who made promises to love and be faithful to his ex, he was.

I think your SIL should drop it because 17 years of a ‘joke’ is tedious. Unfortunately I also think she might be doing it because she has been cheated on and she is taking the pain the OW caused her out on you, so I’m not sure how you can resolve the issue.

PuzzledObserver · 15/08/2019 13:07

Next time she does it, how about saying something like this:

"I was the OW, but that was 17 years ago. I've been the wife for xx years. DH's ex has moved on. Why can't you?"