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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Timandra · 16/08/2019 21:59

I agree with @7yo7yo

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 22:08

I agree with @7yo7yo**

Glad we agree on something at least!

As o said in previous post, SIL is wrong and you don’t owe her to keep seeing her while she is vile. I suggested NC. Because two wrongs don’t make a right.

But I don’t believe that the world is black and white and I’m able to empathize with both sides. I just don’t belong to Disney.

RevealTheLegend · 16/08/2019 22:31

How come you are taking all the agro here? It takes two to tango - you seem to have accepted that you did a terrible thing, was DH blameless, brought low by an evil woman? Or is that the same old sexist claptrap?

This.. in spades

Personally I’d start to counter her shit with something along the lines of.. you seem over invested in your brothers sex life... what is it about his sex life that interests you so much? you do know i didn’t even touch is PENIS for MONTHS. Is it even an affair if we didn’t have SEX? etc etc. and KEEP harping on about the SEX LIFE In detail if necessary. And let her have a hissy fit. Have a bigger one. Make her squirm in embarrassment. Every damn time.

7yo7yo · 16/08/2019 22:37

And I wouldn’t joke or try to explain the situation.
I’d make it very clear that her remarks are nasty and uncalled for and I wouldn’t be tolerating them anymore.
If she throws a tantrum.
Wait till she’s finished then carry on.
Actually sit in front of a mirror and practice what you are going to say, her predicted responses and how you will react to those responses.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 16/08/2019 22:38

Agree that this sounds completely over the top and is bullying behaviour. When will you next see SIL OP? Hope you will update on how it goes then. Good luck!

7yo7yo · 16/08/2019 22:39

And if she does it again, remember you will have to follow through on any ultimatums so be prepared for that.
Don’t threaten and back down because that’s what she’s banking on.
I’d actually got to her house with DH and no kids to have this conversation.

Senseofself1 · 16/08/2019 22:41

You have done nothing wrong and you should not feel bad! Nobody should stay in a marriage if they don’t want to be in it. His ex was not the woman for him. You are! Love is love and everyone has the right to follow their heart.

Honeyroar · 16/08/2019 22:41

Working on a shit marriage doesn't change the fact it's a shit marriage. And while you might not want to call it Mr Right etc, it's blatantly obvious that we find it easier to live and love some people more than others! It's a basic fact.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 22:46

And decided not to invest to make it go up again because someone else offered it to him without the hard work

Balderdash, @IABUQueen,
The OP cutting all contact is as far removed from "offering it to him" as is possible. He took the decision to end his marriage in total isolation from the OP.

Senseofself1 · 16/08/2019 22:55

But as someone who was cheated on and who’s life was turned inside out, I resent the ‘but the end justifies the means’ comments. It doesn’t. It really, really doesn’t
So a person should stay with their partner even if they don’t want to be with them? That’s like being in prison. It’s torture!

Honeyroar · 16/08/2019 23:04

I agree Senseofself1. I know someone who has lived that life of torture because "I believe in my wedding vows" and she's had 30 years of hell, been depressed, and is absolutely worn down. Not my idea of a successful marriage. And like I have said, I've been cheated on, broken to pieces, I've never cheated on anyone myself, and I hope my marriage is long and happy!

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 23:05

So a person should stay with their partner even if they don’t want to be with them? That’s like being in prison. It’s torture!

No! If it was clearly this obvious he didn’t wanna be with Her he would’ve left her and not waited for another love confession. Clearly he was still in the fence.

He must’ve loved her at some point to marry her...

He just owes her to resolve things like an adult without external influence and decide together whether it works or not... again without external factors nfleuncing his decision.

For example. My father is still with OW. 14 years on. It’s still not testimony that they’re more successful than mum.. in the meantime he has told my mum that he still loves her and wants to be back with her but she said no. Only 2 years ago he asked her to see him and gave her roses and she refused.That’s why his marriage is lasting..

And he has told me he feels trapped with his wife because he has a young child.. and I told him it’s nothing to do with me. But kids do add a factor to the commitment to some.. that’s why his marriage is lasting.

I mean with all due respect, my mum is well rid. And his ex was probably well rid of someone who doesn’t value his vows enough.

But point is.. love isn’t the only reason why marriages last.. and lack of, isn’t the reason why many men cheat or end things.

LunaTheCat · 16/08/2019 23:11

I am going to get flamed but ... relationships are very complex and nobody else can see inside your relationship and people make judgements without knowing the full story. You and your husband have made a happy life for yourselves and that is no mean feet. I think you need to forgive yourself - go and see someone and learn to forgive and be strong in yourself. Your SIL sounds like an arse

Saracen · 16/08/2019 23:24

"What your brother and I did was wrong. We all know that. You've been going on about it for 17 years now. Will you just cut it out."

followed by

"oh do stop going on about that" every time she brings it up.

GrumbleBumble · 16/08/2019 23:52

Start calling her Cersei Lannister when she asks why say it's because she is unnaturally obsessed with her brother's sex life.

HeffaLump1 · 17/08/2019 07:45

"SIL have you ever watched Groundhog Day? Because it's like that every time with you"' and repeat every time she brings the same thing up. She'll get as bored hearing you say the same thing as you are with her

AdoreTheBeach · 17/08/2019 08:01

Well, you are the OW. You’ll continue to be the OW until your DH finds another OW to replace you. But then I suppose you’ll still be an OW, just the first (or first known OW). Sorry, no sympathy from me for people who cheat (includes your husband).

sofato5miles · 17/08/2019 08:21

Margaret Atwood didn't have to use her imagination much to create characters like Aunt Lydia.Hmm

The lack of irony in feeling morally superior while being so mean spirited about this particular OP really unsettles me.

Junoon · 17/08/2019 08:29

SIL sounds like a tiresome bitch. I’d pull her up on it every time until she gets the message.

Loveislandaddict · 17/08/2019 08:31

relationships are very complex and nobody else can see inside your relationship and people make judgements without knowing the full story. You and your husband have made a happy life for yourselves and that is no mean feet. I think you need to forgive yourself - go and see someone and learn to forgive and be strong in yourself. Your SIL sounds like an arse

So true.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 17/08/2019 08:32

It wad actually your DH did the "terrible thing" op. He cheated on his wife. You were single. Your SIL sounds like an insecure bitch. Do you have to see much of her?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 17/08/2019 08:36

I think I would tell her to fuck off op. She's picking on you & it's not OK. I don't think it's fair for you to have to put up with this.

Inappropriatefemale · 17/08/2019 11:39

To the people that are saying that the OP is the OW, not any longer she’s not, as soon as his marriage was over and the wife knew then the OW title ceased to exist.

Mittler · 17/08/2019 20:04

Well, you are the OW. You’ll continue to be the OW until your DH finds another OW to replace you. But then I suppose you’ll still be an OW, just the first (or first known OW). Sorry, no sympathy from me for people who cheat (includes your husband)

AdoreTheBeach, did something go wrong with your marriage, by any chance, to make you write so bitter and spiteful a comment?

WestBerlin 's comment is sensible.

Hithere12, I thought as much Grin.

Many, many good people have done far worse than the OP did. Anyone who can't understand how these things happen is either very, very lucky to have found 'the one' completely unproblematically, or has had such a terrible experience of being cheated on that they can't acknowledge the nuances of human relationships.

SaraNade · 18/08/2019 04:10

@TheGodmother I wouldn't, a leopard doesn't change her spots. That is a very ignorant and untrue thing to say. She's been married to him for 17 years. Paul and Joanne Newman were married for 60-odd years. Real life isn't as black and white as 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I agree cheating is wrong, but, come on! 17 years.